AIBU to feel icky about my ex showering with our DD

[beingniceiscool11]

DD (5) told me today that Daddy goes in the shower with her - he has an enclosed cubicle shower with door like mine so you’d have to be standing right next to each other.... I know he used to bathe with her when she was littler..wearing swimming trunks by the time she got to about 3 years old.
But I said oh right does he wear his swimming costume? And she smiled and said “no he doesn’t mind ! He doesn’t wear anything !” And I said oh right, really? I tried not to show my shock but perhaps it came across in my voice a bit as she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me !”

...... this has just struck me as odd. And made me feel a bit 😬
He is 6’3” and his.. well... you know would be right in her face... she’s very tactile & if she sees me walking around with my pants on she will launch herself at me for a tight bear hug and blow raspberry on my tummy and sniff my skin and really like nuzzle me.

I don’t know this just makes me feel icky.

It is different when a mother bathes with her children, her bits aren’t exposed - they are in her body and breasts are something children associate with breastfeeding and have likely seen before.

It’s icky what has happened. I would report it.

I don't think this is ok at all and I would not be happy.

she then added “it’s ok, he doesn’t touch me

This seems like an odd thing for a child to say.

Ask if they can shower separately. I think it's odd to squish together to wash together. I wouldn't do it with my 6 year old.

@Crustaceans

The proximity of penises to faces is not something I would have ever considered in relation to a small child showering with their parent. In fact, I’m a bit surprised that so many posters would even consider that an issue.

I consider it an issue and I’m not hyper-sensitive to this at all.

I think a normal father wouldn’t want to expose his bits. I have read many comments on here and it appears some people are making out the OP is unreasonable and she’s mis-read the situation.

The shower is tiny. What grown man would feel comfortable with this arrangement?

It’s really naff.

Tento but the OP’s DD hasn’t said she’s uncomfortable with it.

If the child is uncomfortable of course it’s inappropriate. But she hasn’t said that.

As for “its unnecessary”, so are lots of things, that doesn’t make it wrong. My son doesn’t need to shower or have a bath with me or his other mum, but he wants to. I’d much rather shower alone so I can have it at scalding temperatures, but he likes to have a bath or shower with one of us sometimes, so we do it, because he won’t be young forever and he just wants to be close to us.

I can’t believe people think men should wear shorts if showering with kids. It’s either sexual or it’s not - if not, no need for shorts, if it is, get them the hell away from that child!

The first thing I would think of is the penis next to the face situation. It is not normal and I think most men would not put their 5 year old daughter in that situation. What would be his reason for doing this? Does he not have ave a bath she can use?
Also her mentioning him not touching her would be a huge red flag for me, why would she even think to say that in the first place.
I would be having words about it with him pronto.

This isn't really something people can comment on without knowing the history.
The act him having a shower with his daughter is fine.
Her comment about touching is odd but it could be that he said "I'll hold the shower you wash, I'm not touching you, you do that" it's really hard at 5 to wash and hold the shower as if it's on the pole it's too high and maybe he didn't want her hair wet we literally have no idea. You're going to have to have a conversation with him, it's your child's safety so you need to do it.

Well first I would check what she means by dad 'ging in the shower with her' . That could mean every time she showers or it could mean he popped in once when pressed for time and thought it was a funny thing to do.
If once I wouldnt be bothered really . As a pp said its just a body and no need to make her feel there was something wrong with nudity per se.
However if its every time there is definitely something off . He can have a shower any time he wants where she will probably be having hers as part of her bed time ritual. There is no need for him to get into the cubicle with her if hes not actually helping.
Beside being creepy its just unsavoury for a small child to be at eye level with adult male genitals.

I think this is very strange for a male to shower with her...yes I get some dads bath with their children when young, but 5 is getting a bit old and its odd when no one else is there. My dh bathed with our dd maybe once when she was a baby and thats it. However, I still bath with both of my kids age 5 and 7. But they are the ones who climb in the bath with me. I try to have alone bath, and then climb right in....the dog would join as well if she could lol. She is usually peering at us over the edge wagging her tail. I assume my kids will outgrow wanting to join me soon enough!

It is different when a mother bathes with her children
Why? Imo this is just demonising fathers and men in general. It’s no more inappropriate for a father to bathe with his kids than a mother. Also - he’s her Dad. So unless there are other undisclosed issues here then I’d expect her to be safe with him. If you think he might be abusive that’s a personal issue with him as an individual and certainly doesn’t apply to all fathers.

MN you have resinstated this because you think the poster is on the level

is that the point? There's going to be all kinds of creepy attracted to this.Why not just remove it anyway.

Nobody wants to shower with a penis dangling around in their face.

Why is it ok for her to give you "tight bear hugs and blow raspberry's on your tummy and sniff your skin and really like nuzzle you" when you are in your pants? But not ok for her to do this with her dad?.

I wouldn’t want a mans penis in my face while showering. Give the child break. How unpleasant.

You've posted before about your daughter not wanting her dad to get her dressed due to sensory issues and also about his abusive tendencies. Surely if you have concerns, given the past issues, you need to know what's going on.
Have you discussed it with him at all?

This makes this very concerning to me.

I was abused by my father (my parents were divorced). My mum never would have thought he would do this. I remember telling her that he sometimes slept in my bed, hoping she would probe further, but she didn’t.

This sets off all my alarm bells. My question is, why would he need to get into the shower with her? Does she shower with you at home?

Well, I think it's fine for me to be naked and shower with my DC, so it's therefore fine for my DH.

Are you ever naked around her? Do you shower with her? If the answer is yes, YABU.

Thanks all.... thinking over responses...

The fact the cubicle is so small and I think because she was afraid of being in the cubicle with the door closed at first maybe she insisted he come in too...? Surely if it was just to show her it’s not scary, then he would have just got in for a minute or two with his boxers on? Then once she saw it wasn’t scary, gotten out of shower and given her some space.... encouraging independence..

She asked me if I would come in with her and I just put towels down and left door open.

He used to to wear trunks not because I told him to, she just said “Daddy has a bath with me in his swimming shorts” when she was around 3 years old so I just thought oh he feels more comfortable doing that

When we were together I did feel a bit strange about some things he told me that happened in his childhood where he showed some manipulative sexual actions towards another younger child when he was a pre-teen.. we were having a conversation about sexuality and this came up. I’ve always pushed it to back of my mind but he’s just such a manipulative person ... I feel he’s completely obsessed with DD, with discrediting me and being her favourite.

The comment she made about “its ok he doesn’t touch me” also made me feel strange. It doesn’t seem normal to say. Especially as we were talking about what he was wearing or not wearing, not her. Perhaps because I was like “really?” She thought oh Mummy thinks that’s strange ....

She does know about privacy as she will often want privacy on the toilet or I say I would like privacy on toilet and close door.

I also have explained to her about how our private parts are private as she has a girl friend at school who seems to flash sometimes when getting changed like “look at my !!” And she laughs. I laughed as well and didn’t make a big deal but when she did it to me I said “oh yes, great, but that’s for private, not for showing people out and about “ I’ve nannied for little girls who were curious and stuff and always explained that it’s a great part of your body (so as not to shame) but private

I feel he doesn’t have a lot of boundaries or encourage independence in her in certain ways as it is ie. letting her sleep in bed with him when she was not used to co-sleeping previously. Letting her sleep in bed with him and his girlfriend although she complains about the girlfriend’s snoring and said a couple times that his arms have been really heavy on her and she couldn’t get out . I said she can tell him she doesn’t want to cuddle like that in bed if she likes and she can tell him how she feels & she said “no I can’t tell Daddy how I feel” and then “it’s ok Mummy I do like it !”

All just....doesn’t feel right.

I have a shower cubicle. There’s no way I’d shower my child with the door open - the water would go everywhere, my clothes and the floor would be soaked! I get in with him and close the door. And I’ll continue to do that until he’s able to shower by himself. We are literally only in there for five minutes. I’m certainly not going to faff about running an entire bath of water then having to clean the bath, just because of some vague notion about “privacy”, when it’s so much easier to just jump in the shower.

he showed some manipulative sexual actions towards another younger child when he was a pre-teen
The comment she made about “its ok he doesn’t touch me” also made me feel strange
Letting her sleep in bed with him and his girlfriend

This has nothing to do with him being a man or a father, and everything to do with him being weird and possibly a pervert.

I am quite a laid back person when it comes to nudity around children (parents only), but the comment about he doesnt touch me strikes me as an odd thing to say. Why would a 5 year old, associate being naked with someone equates to touching, why is there a link with that, I would expect a 5 year old to say dont worry they dont wee or poop on me etc, but why the touching comment, this is the only thing that jumped out on me on this post OP.

I wouldn’t want a mans penis in my face while showering

This. I'm totally bemused that some people are posting this is ok. The issue here is not nudity, it's the fact it's a small space and due to the height differential his genitalia will be close to her face and at her eye level.

No one likes that. Why the fuck is it ok to subject a small girl to it.

Some folks are just odd. They rush to defend nudity in front of kids, but in their desire to defend it don't actually take a moment to think of the logistics of this. This child will be showering with her face inches from her fathers dick/balls. That's not ok in any way shape nor form.

My DS would probably object, but he does regularly run around communal changing areas naked having towel fights with his friends (and other post-swimming nonsense) so maybe he wouldn’t care.

I'm presuming that this is a family communal changing area. I personally think this behaviour should not be allowed. 'other post swimming nonsense' says that you have little control over your child and believe in the mantra 'boys will be boys'.

Oh and also I don’t shower with her, she has seen me in shower (with door misted up) a few times recently but since she’s a bit older I stopped walking around naked, she occasionally sees me putting my pants on but very rare now.
I stopped bathing with her when she was maybe 2 as we just didn’t fit in bath together well & because I was trying to stop breastfeeding.

Because she breastfed for so long she always wants to touch my boobs if she sees them so I rarely am ever naked around her but don’t make a thing about it, I just prefer to have my privacy now as well !! Years of my body being for her, now I just create boundaries so I feel comfortable that I’m not gonna be grabbed and stuff haha but at same time I also let her see me walking around in underwear so she can see I’m comfortable with my body to show her good example

My dc have showered with both me and their dad. I don't think it's weird. Surely at 5 it is normal to need some help with hair washing?

Communication quite difficult between us (he’s threatening to take me to court for more time with her right now) that no I couldn’t bring this up without him launching into blaming every aspect of my parenting, making himself the victim etc etc.