Newly dating man who seems insecure, red flag?

[SMellisa]

Need some advice please.

I have been dating a guy for the past 3 months who is the most passionate and sensitive guy I’ve ever dated and that’s just within 3 months. Yesterday I came across a negative trait I think he may have which is now worrying me??

When we aren’t together we communicate by WhatsApp all the time.

If you are familiar with WhatsApp it states when you read someone’s message and when you respond, it also states when you were last active.

The guy messaged me yesterday morning at work which we always do and I responded to say I was just slightly busy so may take longer to respond, that was at 11 and I didn’t hear from him until 3pm when he sent me this very randomly:

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

I then responded slightly confused to basically say sorry if I’d offended him and it was 100% no intention of mine.... I then said if I’ve offended you that much I’ll leave you alone and give you some space (his message was very out of character for him so I was slightly upset by it)

I didn’t get a response from him until 2 hours later where he says ‘sorry he was just stressed with work’ !!

Is that fair?

He has since then been sending me a few messages to say he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

I had been on WhatsApp a few other times that day to just check some messages from friends and some wedding photos I had been sent from a friend’s wedding a few months ago. He has obviously been checking when I was last on.

Maybe it is me over thinking? Is this a red flag? I have never had this before in a relationship so not sure how to deal with it. Baring in mind this guy is 42 so he’s not immature, this isn’t his first relationship.

We seem fine now but until next time .... !

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Xx

Yes, red flag.

As is OTT contact.

In what ways is he “passionate” and “sensitive”? That can often be code for “pushy” and “insincere love bombing”.

@Loopytiles as in he is always sending me songs that apparently remind him of me... he will send me quote pictures that relate to us, that sort of thing! It's very sweet but I haven't come across a lot of guys that are into stuff like that I guess. He is also soppy about sad films, children in need, etc! ..

I do think it’s a red flag. A big one. I married a guy who was sensitive and a bit needy from the start. Married now and it’s 20 years later, I can tell you that it was a mistake!! Listen and observe his behaviours and trust your senses.

I would definitely call it off after that.

Taking offence over you being on WhatsApp? Childish and possessive behaviour.

Hmm, well he's either really childish and checking up on you/making you justify having contact with friends or he's taking out his work stress on you. Neither is good. I totally understand being a bit insecure at the start of to a relationship and the whole "have they read my message" thing, but you'd told him you were busy so that should be enough.
I had similar once from a guy who claimed that I'd been ignoring him and lying about being busy. I use the WhatsApp web app at work so I always look like I'm online. I hadn't even met him...and never did!
If I'd been seeing someone for three months and this was the first and only thing they'd done that concerned me I'd probably keep in contact but with my eyes fully open. And he's certainly know that I would under no circumstances accept this kind of behaviour

Thanks all x

Call it off - there are too many women on here way down the line with abusive men who started out with a few red flags like this. Honestly, passionate and sensitive and sending you songs - he is way too pushy. And quotes etc - Life is not a romcom and normal men do not behave like this. And for all the people who will pop on to say they do, only men who are love bombing you. The reason you have not met men like this is because they are odd.

Agree. Red flag. Take note.

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks sad explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

Says

I’ve been fixated on this today seeing as I’m a self-centred whiner who needs lots of attention. You didn’t prioritise me above all else, which I have interpreted as a failing on your part and a personal attack on me.

Also, “I thought you were better than that.”, is a fucking insult. It’s strong stuff. He’s hoping to shame you into complying with his demands. He will minimise what he said to you as ‘stress’ but fuck that. That message is needy, petulant and insulting...and was absolutely intended as such.
Be careful.

First thing was a red flag ('better than that'?!) and this was a second: he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

So what, why is that relevant? 'Stay with me or I'll be sad.' If someone's considering ending a relationship due to unreasonable behaviour, you don't stay with someone to stop them being heartbroken. He comes across as self-centred from start to finish.

I would need a proper chat about this tbh to feel comfortable around someone again after that first message, one where they admitted they'd lost perspective on things and saw how odd it was. This would be the kind of thing which left unexplained would probably kill my physical attraction to someone.
I mean is this going to happen every time he's stressed about work? The fact he excuses it like that gives the impression he's not going to try and work on it tbh. Fine to wonder if change in communication (over time) means something, not fine to tantrum about a one-off.

(Just to pre empt, I come from a family of sensitive men and have had lots of sensitive male friends and they still know how to behave, so wouldn't be reframing the above episode as the inescapable downside to his passionate soulfulness - it's not a trade-off, he needs to be not creepy before he gets kudos for being sensitive.)

Thanks@pictish . To be honest it's put me right off ... will be fun breaking it off hay!! Wish me luck...

Yeah I'd be done. I also use whatsapp at work. I would have just blanked that message. It's really inappropriate.

A message like that from anyone is just plain rude.

A message like that three months in to a relationship is outrageous and a massive Red Flag. Dont care how stressed you are with work, it's completely unacceptable.

He's 'nice and sensitive' on one hand, but still has it in him to send a message like that? That's the mask slipping - he obviously has some serious issues.

Get rid! Why is he stalking your WhatsApp? This behaviour never gets better, it just escalates. He sounds totally unhinged

Hi all,

I just randomly got this from him:

"Do you know what... I think it’s because it’s always text.. sometimes they come across wrong.. We don’t hear each other or see each other’s faces which is hard.. difficult to gauge people.. it was my bad today... I’m a dickhead..! Xx"

Please ltb tonight. You do not need to justify why you haven't text someone back imo.
He is a controlling twat.

Well he's right about one thing certainly. He is a dickhead. Bye bye

Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

It would be for me,not just that but definitely couldn't be arsed with it either.

To me it reads like

" I don't trust you, I need your attention and you need to put me first. I'm going to make you feel shit because you didn't pay enough attention to MY needs. Have some sarcasm as a bonus. Now I'm gonna give you an imaginary,made up standard to live up to. Jump!"

Hot Brick. Drop.

I also got this a few nights ago:

Are you ok.. you’ve not been on watts app since 18:00 ish... x Just worried about you... only because I care... xx

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks sad explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

Red flags all over the place. Avoid!

The thought process behind that message he sent you reads:

"You've been lying to me about being busy, and you've been on Whatsapp messaging other men behind my back, haven't you?"

I agree that his mask is likely slipping. He sounds very intense and like a textbook love bomber.

“Beware of men who are sensitive and in touch with feelings because the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with, are their own.”

I don’t know who said that and I wouldn’t like to generalise...but yeah. It resonates with something.

His text didn’t ‘come across wrong’ - it came across exactly as intended, only he expected you to reassure him and apologise. You didn’t and he has realised he missed his mark.

My ex did this with a new woman he’d been chatting too, she’s a psychologist and dropped him like a bit shit. She was very wise. Be like her.

He sounds suffocating already! And he clearly had poor self esteem and has focused too much on you. It won’t get better.

Youve been warned!

A hot shit.