Newly dating man who seems insecure, red flag?

[SMellisa]

Need some advice please.

I have been dating a guy for the past 3 months who is the most passionate and sensitive guy I’ve ever dated and that’s just within 3 months. Yesterday I came across a negative trait I think he may have which is now worrying me??

When we aren’t together we communicate by WhatsApp all the time.

If you are familiar with WhatsApp it states when you read someone’s message and when you respond, it also states when you were last active.

The guy messaged me yesterday morning at work which we always do and I responded to say I was just slightly busy so may take longer to respond, that was at 11 and I didn’t hear from him until 3pm when he sent me this very randomly:

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

I then responded slightly confused to basically say sorry if I’d offended him and it was 100% no intention of mine.... I then said if I’ve offended you that much I’ll leave you alone and give you some space (his message was very out of character for him so I was slightly upset by it)

I didn’t get a response from him until 2 hours later where he says ‘sorry he was just stressed with work’ !!

Is that fair?

He has since then been sending me a few messages to say he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

I had been on WhatsApp a few other times that day to just check some messages from friends and some wedding photos I had been sent from a friend’s wedding a few months ago. He has obviously been checking when I was last on.

Maybe it is me over thinking? Is this a red flag? I have never had this before in a relationship so not sure how to deal with it. Baring in mind this guy is 42 so he’s not immature, this isn’t his first relationship.

We seem fine now but until next time .... !

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Xx

@rosabug

the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with, are their own

I have read it. I wouldn't want to go out with someone who was only in touch with their own feelings.

And he's had a few strikes now according to OP who is clearly uncomfortable with his approach - taking offence to everything, chasing her to reply, saying she's making a mug of him...

Nevermind, each to their own!

Total dickhead. From the first post, but you’ve confirmed it with all your other examples.

Problem men (people) give themselves away between the lines.

I think he's done rather a lot of that already, rosabug.

The lines out in the open with this guy are bad enough, I dread to think of the lines between them!

Rosabug you seem to be very much a people/man pleaser why is that?

Op's only been seeing him a few months she owes him absolutely nothing and he's behaved appallingly!

Do you put up with such poor treatment from people? I don't

I can't echo @KissMeCat enough.

Don't go down this road, OP. It is tiresome, constrictive and a waste of your life. Men like this are bad news.

OP, can I just ask why in many of the examples of messages you have sent to him you seem to have to give a reason why you aren't responding immediately? Do you feel you need to do this because he is so demanding and pressures you for attention?

SMellisa - curlygirl has it bang on. Giving someone like that another way in would be quite dangerous. He's showing you who he is, please listen.

@poglets you're probably right.

As all of the above.

Also in case you didn't know WhatsApp and messenger stay open in the background of your phone if you don't clear the caches or pages, making you look online when you wasn't.

That bug caused massive rows between me and my ex

Have you ended things OP?

I've gotta say it screams red flags to me too.

OH and I used to message loads on WhatsApp. We still use it a fair bit but in the early days, when we were dating, we used it way more.

I could see when he'd been online. He could see when I'd been online. We both worked. We both understood that sometimes we were busy, sometimes other people needed responses more urgently than each other. Never have we ever said "oh well you've been online so you're obviously not bothered/lying/insert crazy emotion here.

He sounds very needy and very high maintenance. At worst, he sounds like a control freak/abuser. At best, he sounds like an insecure, high maintenance dickhead.

Either way, avoiding would be best. Seriously. And be happy that you've avoided that one.

Op hasn't ended it

I was also going to suggest turn off the ability for people to see when you were last on WhatsApp.

Very liberating!

This is a huge red flag. It's the start of controlling behaviour. He'll be the type to question you when you are out with friends, accuse you of having affairs etc. He'll not like your friends. He'll try and turn you against them.

don't walk. RUN.

I'd also add that, you'll try and tell him why you didn't like his posts and he'll tell you it's because he has strong feelings for you. Then it'll be he's falling in love with you. You are making him paranoid as he doesn't feel worthy of you. You are stunning/amazing.

God I could write the whole of this up

OP, firstly, the tone of his original message was rude and unacceptable. I would be quite angry to be spoken to like that - especially when I was at work and therefore busy doing my job! Secondly, he sounds like a bit of a stalker, keeping tabs on you. This is someone you’ve only known a few months, he has no claim on your time and no right to know your every whereabouts (and neither does a husband of many years).

I would definitely end things and ignore any future contact attempts.

He's got to go, what is he the WhatsApp police?

Run for the bloody hills
And no after three months you don't have to make any reasons why you are ending it
Good luck
❤️

@AnyFucker well, OP has been warned about how this behaviour can escalate. Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Thanks everyone I've read every single one of your comments x

The fact that you haven't done anything yet means you're not yet at that stage where you can really see this is a serious problem, SMellisa. Which is fine; all of us who tolerate abusive situations have to find that out for ourselves. Usually the hard way.

But, please, if you're not going to do something about it - or even if you are - consider some therapy to get to the bottom of why and how you got into this situation in the first place ... and why you're still there.

That message is rude and passive aggressive.

‘Last seen’ on WhatsApp makes me anxious. In my head, someone online and not replying makes my thoughts spiral. I checked someone’s online status almost obsessively and I didn’t like myself.

I didn’t send a message like the one you received though. I talked it over with that person and said, for the sake of my mental health, I’d like to come off WA. I did and went to get some help with my anxiety. But it was MY problem to deal with not theres.

That they haven’t had the self awareness to deal with their own insecurities and have turned it on you in that passive aggressive manner really is quite worrying (along with the updates).

@Fonduefrolics I admit I have checked in the past when someone has been last active but it's never annoyed me to an extent I'd actually bring it up with someone! I'd be too embarrassed.

Everything everyone has said has brought up more red flags.

I’m agreeing with everyone that’s saying it’s a red flag.
It’s those sorts of messages that used to set me right on edge with my ex. Then I started over explaining myself to placate him, making up excuses as to why it took me 10 minutes to respond to a text...Awful.

OP has only had five hours to process all of these responses and change her view - I think she's really taking them on board and when you think about that's bloody good progress in less than a day! Well done OP I think you're nearly there