Newly dating man who seems insecure, red flag?

[SMellisa]

Need some advice please.

I have been dating a guy for the past 3 months who is the most passionate and sensitive guy I’ve ever dated and that’s just within 3 months. Yesterday I came across a negative trait I think he may have which is now worrying me??

When we aren’t together we communicate by WhatsApp all the time.

If you are familiar with WhatsApp it states when you read someone’s message and when you respond, it also states when you were last active.

The guy messaged me yesterday morning at work which we always do and I responded to say I was just slightly busy so may take longer to respond, that was at 11 and I didn’t hear from him until 3pm when he sent me this very randomly:

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

I then responded slightly confused to basically say sorry if I’d offended him and it was 100% no intention of mine.... I then said if I’ve offended you that much I’ll leave you alone and give you some space (his message was very out of character for him so I was slightly upset by it)

I didn’t get a response from him until 2 hours later where he says ‘sorry he was just stressed with work’ !!

Is that fair?

He has since then been sending me a few messages to say he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

I had been on WhatsApp a few other times that day to just check some messages from friends and some wedding photos I had been sent from a friend’s wedding a few months ago. He has obviously been checking when I was last on.

Maybe it is me over thinking? Is this a red flag? I have never had this before in a relationship so not sure how to deal with it. Baring in mind this guy is 42 so he’s not immature, this isn’t his first relationship.

We seem fine now but until next time .... !

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Xx

I honestly don't understand new couples who feel the need to communicate constantly. That level of contact cannot be sustained long-term, and it is particularly needy and unnecessary.

He's trying so hard to be manipulative and controlling but he's just bad at it.

It's definitely not a great quality, but not a deal breaker and something you can help him work on.
My current partner was a bit like that when we first got together, had been cheated on etc in his last relationship so I empathised with his insecurity.
I basically just switched off the settings on my social medias etc that showed when I was on and offline and read things etc so he couldn't analyse it and he chilled out.
Maybe people will think that's enabling him or allowing him to be controlling, but his many great qualities made me want to find solutions and work on helping his insecurity etc rather than just toss him.
Guess it depends how much you like him, how much positive you see in him and if you think he's worth helping through insecurities. No one is perfect after all.

Sensitive is good. I'm only interested in men who melt when they see a kitten. Needy and controlling is quite different, and not something anyone needs in their life. Don't confuse the two.

Hi
So many people in similar situations at the mo!
So my boyf if you still wanna call him that as things ended yesterday and not sure he even knows 🤷‍♀️
He were also together 3m (have separate issues on him which I got great advice from yesterday)
Some of your comments I can really relate to !
Mine used to send songs, quotes, I was his soulmate, no ones ever made him feel this way....wtf
Why do people use this lines?
Mine wasn't particularly sensitive or clingy but looking back I would constantly message him back and I would feel stressed as I would be like I'll just text him so it's not been too long...why I did that I do not know ?!
Ridiculous but good for you for being on alert
Just a shame isn't it
You spent time and emotions on someone and makes you feel disheartened
Sending hugs x

that's another thing he does... he takes offensive at everything I say. I am walking on eggshells. I put it down to him just being 'sensitive' and I need to tread gently
This "walking on eggshells" would be terrible in a long term relationship. There are plenty of threads on the Relationship board to show how unbalanced and unhealthy this is and how it can escalate to the detriment of the other person.

In the first few weeks it's a signal for you to run the other way and stay away.

Having to feel a need to justify yourself to him when you are just doing the job you are paid or, or just living your life, is not how a loving relationship should go. Strength to you OP. 🌹

Thanks, @SupaNintendoChalmers . I am tempted to turn off when I have read messages it's too much hassle.

He is very hot and cold. It's ok for me not to respond but 'read' a message but he can do it to me but must worse. It seems to be one way.

Unlike him though it's not sending me mad when he's read a message and doesn't respond but he's been online ... !

I again received a message from him last night where he has read my snapchat story and something else has upset him.

I had a filter which said 'good day'. He had clearly had a bad day and I should have been more sympathetic.... He said: 'well I'm glad you've had a good day' and that 'I could have used another filter'... as if I'm going to think of him when I scroll through all the filters!
It's ridiculous.

To be honest I am tempted to come off all this social media altogether ... This has really opened my eyes and is just causing me so much trouble.

@SMellisa why are you still with him?

Remove him from all social media. Block his number and move on.

He's already controlling you!!

'I can't be dealing with this behaviour so early on in a relationship. It's obvious it's not going to work out between us. Please don't contact me again. Wishing you well ' Send and then breathe. I've been with my DH 12 years and I've never had to walk on egg shells and he's never sent me an arsy text. Please dump now before his behaviour escalates ...because it will.

Your problem isn’t your use of social, it’s him. You are modifying your behaviour (or thinking about it) to appease him.

The Snapchat thing would be the absolute end for me. You have to get out, he’s unbalanced and controlling. You will have a miserable life with him.

He is a nut job.

Oh God, every update gets worse..
Better luck in your next choice OP.

Hmmm I would run, fast.

Even if its not controlling and its an insecurity issue, he needs to work on himself.

However given that he's brought it up twice he's check whether you have been on line or the last time seen I would hazard it's controlling behaviour. This behaviour is insidious and starts as things like that and progress's to "you've been food shopping too long" etc so on and so forth :-(

I can't believe you haven't ended it and that message doesn't really get anything across to him

:S

@SparklyMagpie it will be finished today, this isn't something I can deal with.

It really is getting worse. He's done all this and knows you are unhappy about it and still thinks it's ok to send a snarky message about your Snapchat? Run OP run.

I also thought it was quite telling when you said he would find a way to get to you even if you blocked him on everything. That means your instinct about him is that he's a stalky control freak who doesn't respect boundaries.

Oddly enough I remember thinking about my ex that if I was to ever split up with him it would be very difficult to get him to leave me alone. I wish I'd gone then!

Bin immediately- No Contact. He's a narc with not much control of his fury and that makes him.pitentially dangerous.

He will try to establish contact in 24/48 hours - he should then leave you alone. Be wary of him turning up in real life. If he does, contact the police.

He's trying so hard to be manipulative and controlling but he's just bad at it

^THIS

It's not socia media that's the problem it's him. If you let him change your use of social media then he's controlling you. Why would you do that?

Lucky he is too dim to hide what he is doing. The clever ones bide their time until you rely on them and turn up the manipulation and control slowly.

Can you go out with a mate tonight to celebrate your escape?

Have you finished it yet ?

Jesus Christ, it’s less than 24 hours since OP first posted. In case you hadn’t noticed, this isn’t Eastenders.

Bloody nutcase..🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩