Newly dating man who seems insecure, red flag?

[SMellisa]

Need some advice please.

I have been dating a guy for the past 3 months who is the most passionate and sensitive guy I’ve ever dated and that’s just within 3 months. Yesterday I came across a negative trait I think he may have which is now worrying me??

When we aren’t together we communicate by WhatsApp all the time.

If you are familiar with WhatsApp it states when you read someone’s message and when you respond, it also states when you were last active.

The guy messaged me yesterday morning at work which we always do and I responded to say I was just slightly busy so may take longer to respond, that was at 11 and I didn’t hear from him until 3pm when he sent me this very randomly:

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

I then responded slightly confused to basically say sorry if I’d offended him and it was 100% no intention of mine.... I then said if I’ve offended you that much I’ll leave you alone and give you some space (his message was very out of character for him so I was slightly upset by it)

I didn’t get a response from him until 2 hours later where he says ‘sorry he was just stressed with work’ !!

Is that fair?

He has since then been sending me a few messages to say he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

I had been on WhatsApp a few other times that day to just check some messages from friends and some wedding photos I had been sent from a friend’s wedding a few months ago. He has obviously been checking when I was last on.

Maybe it is me over thinking? Is this a red flag? I have never had this before in a relationship so not sure how to deal with it. Baring in mind this guy is 42 so he’s not immature, this isn’t his first relationship.

We seem fine now but until next time .... !

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Xx

Is this what relationships are like these days? All this online stalking social media bullshit?

God help us all.

Get rid of him OP.

If I were in my 20s now and faced with online dating bullshit, I think I'd be forced to hie myself to a nunnery.

He definitely does sound insecure but it might be because of past history - perhaps his ex did something similar and was also having an affair or dumped him shortly afterwards so he might be conditioned to think that whatsapp behaviour is a warning sign of abandonment etc. the human mind is very complex and sensitive, esp in matters of love, attachment, etc.

I'm a bit like that as well - if someone tells me they're busy and then is is online frequently, I'd feel a bit rejected too but I'm generally fairly insecure and always imagine the worst (but I know I wouldn't confront someone like he has with you about it as I know it's a ridiculous thing to blame someone for.. anyway, you said you were busy which could mean busy communicating with someone urgently on whatsapp e.g. a work colleague working from home, abroad, etc or a family member etc.

I don't think he's a bad person but perhaps quite needy/insecure (though he may have good reason to be if his past was troubled - though a lot of people don't admit to this in front of new partners).

@Loka123 thanks Loka. When I confronted him about what he said to me being online Facebook:

"I'm only joking of course... what you use is you’re business... as long as you’re not trading me in...:("

meaning talking to another guy. He's definitely insecure and is clearly thinking the worst like you said.

I forgot to share this one with you. A few days ago I got this on Facebook messenger:

"8 mins ago? Lol For someone who prefers WattsApp you do use messenger a lot... Lol Miss you baby x"

I told him I preferred to chat on WhatsApp prior to this. If you're on Facebook it automatically shows you're online messenger also.

I don't know.... its crazy behaviour I know that. Thanks again all x

I don't know if it's anything significant to note but the guy is 10 years older than me. Maybe he feels he can talk down to me like this. I don't know what goes through people's minds sometimes.

Whatever the reason for his crazy, stalkery, controlling behaviour - you are well rid of him.

Your life would simply never be your own if you continued seeing him.

It is crazy behaviour and Loka shouldn't minimize it like that. It is one thing being insecure, it is another thing entirely turning nasty and controlling because of that. Everyone understands how the WhatsApp stuff can turn you a bit crazy - the point is how you react to that. And to be honest, three months in is quite late to still be freaking out about it.

It also really doesn't matter why he is like that, and the sob stories will be used to keep you hooked in. My ex had an abusive mother ( and major issues with abandonment/trust of women because of that) plus a history of being cheated on (although in retrospect I am not even sure some of that was true). And he used that to beat me with for years and keep me there because it "wasn't his fault". In the end, the result was the same, crazy, controlling, emotionally abusive behaviour that wasn't ever going to stop no matter how good a partner I was.

As one of my best friends said to me at the time, a relationship isn't a rescue mission. Stay strong OP, don't excuse his behaviour, many people have been through worse and don't act like that. All controlling abusive men have their "reasons".

@SMellisa No probs and I seem to find this kind of behaviour more common with bigger age gap relationships as I think the older person is more insecure thinking you have more people to pick from as you're younger... I had very similar from a guy actually who was 9 years older.. turned out to be very controlling in the end, started off fairly mild with messages saying "someones a popular girl..." if I was online for ages, with it getting much worse as time went on.. even a year after we broke up, he'd message me on whatsapp telling me to dress more conservatively, who am I dressed up for etc., even telling me he wished I'd wear a burqua (& I'm not muslim btw and neither is he....) and the whole "you were up late last night" based on my last online time.. oh and asking me to take pictures of myself and send them to him to prove I am where I say I am.

I naively put up with it as I'm fairly insecure as well and him being insecure and paranoid towards me made me feel less insecure towards him lol and I thought once he knew me better, he'd trust me more and become less controlling but no, the controlling behaviour just got progressively worse.

It definitely is significant that he's 10 years older.
Some men actively seek out younger women as they think they can appear worldly and mature.

Also women their own age might call them out quicker on their nutcase behaviour.

He is a controlling head case to be absolutely avoided.

Good luck.

@Loka123 that sounds exactly the same as my situation.... my god. Just except the photos!

@Fojumo that's scary stuff! Its scary there are people out there that actually can do that.

I bet he didn't find anything either?!

I don't want to scare you, but this man sounds like a potential stalker. I suggest you a) tell him you don't want further contact b) screen shot the message c) don't respond to any further contact but d) screen shot any further messages you get from him. This will make things a lot easier if he keeps pestering you and you have to involve the police

Have you heard from him op?

You need to wake up. Yes you’ve dumped him but if I were you I’d block him from everything. However, I think he’ll reel you back in.

OP are you hoping he'll get in touch begging to be taken back and promising he'll change? By not blocking him you're leaving the door open for him to storm back in and up his controlling game.
What is it that you truthfully want?

Well done OP. You've had a close shave and as you've wisely realised it may take a bit more time to get rid of him. You might well get him telling you off for finishing with him by text, you used or manipulated him etc. So I'd block now, honestly. There's nothing more you need to hear from him. Because he will be monitoring what you are doing on your social media and it will annoy and enrage him if he knows you seem to be carrying on having good days... All that.

And although you feel like you've delivered the news softly or kindly be prepared to be harsh and emphatic. You need to be strong. Blocking really helps that. It may feel harsh after a period of intense communication and involvement but you have to protect yourself.

Been there. I was bombarded.

I would be very surprised if he is not trying to reel you back in.

The phrase ''mugging him off'' is so disrespectful to your right to have use your own judgement and have your own authentic reaction to the fleeting relationship such as it was. In his eyes you didn't make an autonomous decision to end it because it didn't feel right, no you ''mugged him off''. Argh. So he sees you as the bad guy here. He has not examined his own behaviour one tiny bit. You mugged him off = he is the victim. What a prat

This guy shouldn't be with anyone until he's sorted out his issues. I would block him op, he will take as anything as you leaving the door open so best to do it now. Who cares what he says next.

It sounds like you are still communicating? Are you still together?