Newly dating man who seems insecure, red flag?

[SMellisa]

Need some advice please.

I have been dating a guy for the past 3 months who is the most passionate and sensitive guy I’ve ever dated and that’s just within 3 months. Yesterday I came across a negative trait I think he may have which is now worrying me??

When we aren’t together we communicate by WhatsApp all the time.

If you are familiar with WhatsApp it states when you read someone’s message and when you respond, it also states when you were last active.

The guy messaged me yesterday morning at work which we always do and I responded to say I was just slightly busy so may take longer to respond, that was at 11 and I didn’t hear from him until 3pm when he sent me this very randomly:

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

I then responded slightly confused to basically say sorry if I’d offended him and it was 100% no intention of mine.... I then said if I’ve offended you that much I’ll leave you alone and give you some space (his message was very out of character for him so I was slightly upset by it)

I didn’t get a response from him until 2 hours later where he says ‘sorry he was just stressed with work’ !!

Is that fair?

He has since then been sending me a few messages to say he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

I had been on WhatsApp a few other times that day to just check some messages from friends and some wedding photos I had been sent from a friend’s wedding a few months ago. He has obviously been checking when I was last on.

Maybe it is me over thinking? Is this a red flag? I have never had this before in a relationship so not sure how to deal with it. Baring in mind this guy is 42 so he’s not immature, this isn’t his first relationship.

We seem fine now but until next time .... !

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Xx

After his last scary as fuck message, I'm somewhat bewildered that you haven't blocked him, why do you even want further interaction? He ain't a nice guy and you cannot trust him

Thank you @Annasgirl . I also didn't mention that every pic on Instagram/ Facebook post and picture I post etc has been liked by him. Even the background on Facebook the one that no one really takes any notice of if that makes sense!! One friend of mine did notice and ask who was he.

I liked the flattery at first but it's now totally not normal looking at my activity!!

Thank you @Thatsnotmybaby I'm so glad I posted on here to get everyone's opinions xxx

My skin is fucking crawling reading about this guy.

When we have been with a group of people he also doesn't take his eyes off me... even when I notice him staring, the eye contact is still maintained.... it's so strange never met a guy like that

I was definitely flattered at first. I thought it was nice attention.... the messages I have been getting lately are not, I've needed to open my ears. His charms I think he uses to pull you in.

You really do need to block him. Just watch out for him turning up in person on your doorstep. He'll either be loud and aggressive or have armfuls of roses and apologies. At an anti-social time, so you can't call your friends.
(sorry - been there)

Glad to hear you've ended it.

I predict that he will be super understanding to begin with. And then in a moment when you're wondering if you did the right thing and misjudged it, he will come back with an attempt to hoover you back in.

OP, please gather all of your strength for this one. ESCAPING the emotional clutches of this time of man is very challenging.

Not saying you can't do it, but ''Human magnet syndrome'' as ross rosenberg calls it, an empath and a narcissist, it's hard for the empath to break free.

He will make you feel responsible for his emotions. Be super alert to that. If he starts trying to make you feel responsible for his 'pain' or his bad day, wish him strength and luck in the future, GOOD BYE.

He might try to lay it on thick with some narrative about you being the fourth woman in a row to let him down and how he's going to give up on women now.. don't fall for it. Don't be the ambassador for women, or people in a futile attempt to restore his faith in human nature or women.

He is a blamer. Wish him good luck and block him. Long time ago now but I spent 7 years with a man like this and it started out like you describe.

Thanks @DuchessOfRednecks . The first month we were talking, I said to him I would like to take things slow and see how we go etc... he basically said to me 'oh I have messed up again haven't I?'
And 'I have made a fool of myself' I then went on to reassure him which was stupid of me .... I thought it was me.

I have noticed even at the beginning it was always emotional torment...

www.aconsciousrethink.com/3737/love-bombing-early-warning-sign-youre-dating-narcissist/

I used to end up with men like this, because the ONUS is on you to do all of the pacing. I was used to either avoidant men and with avoidant men you don't need to pace. Once I figured that out, a few times, although they weren't abusive, they ''love bombed'' me and then dumped me.

So I understand now that women with really healthy self-esteems just take things slower. They go out with somebody they like, they aren't anxious about what happens NEXT (like I used to be). They just have faith that whatever comes next, they'll be happy with that. Be it a second date with that man, or never hearing from him again, or being available to date somebody else entirely.

So easy to READ all of this and nod and think doh yeh but after an abusive relationship it's a real challenge to feel this way. It has taken me years.

Pacing is important and if a man doesn't respect your ''pace'' that is a lack of respect.

Thanks @lifegoes I will give that a read x

ps, yes, right from the get go, making you responsible for his emotions, making you reassure HIM.

so tedious!

You're well off out of it. They cannot change.

You've done so well! He may msg again, but you've caught this one early.

Oh and one more thing if I'm not over-warning you here,
Don't get sucked in to defending your decision no matter how firmly you are standing behind it because through 'dialogue' that is how they can distort and manipulate and gaslight and 'guilt' you in to giving them another chance. They can turn it all in to a court of law where you somehow lose the right to walk away from them because you're not perfect either!

I know I'm projecting my own experiences here, but even so, nothing to be lost in this situation by refusing to defend your decision, EVEN IF he leaves you with a slur, meant to 'hook' you in to defending yourself. Don't fall for it, don't get in to dialogue over it.

He may accuse you of using him or being cold or being a player or something designed to MAKE you defend yourself and get the dialogue going.

No matter what 'hook' he comes back with ignore the bait.

@DuchessOfRednecks I'm waiting for the blame text/ player name calling. It will probably come after a few drinks later on.

I have already been told I am 'mugging him off' for logging onto WhatsApp but not messaging him.

Thanks for the guidance xx

Yes Duchess! I always had to have the last word and always ended up melting and getting pulled back in. It's like they have a manual of how to do this shit.

@MyHairNeedsASnip reverse psychology also comes with the package!!

SMellisa glad to see you've ended this..

Really glad to see you've ended it @SMellisa gosh he sounds just like my ex right down to the staring and the gentleman stuff. Do be on your guard as others said, I tried to end it with mine a fair few times and got sucked back in with gas lighting and sob stories/love bombing - i actually ended up marrying him before leaving pretty quickly as he turned physically abusive. Be stronger than I was! 💪 and for you

Hope you're ok @SMellisa in a few days it'll hit you what a massive bullet you've dodged! Well done for getting it done. Sorry if you said already and I missed it but block block block!

@ThatCurlyGirl it's sort of hitting me a bit already but it's for the best...

Just so you know, it’s also possible to turn off “last online” Facebook messenger too, should you ever wish to do that. He sounds like an utter nutter.

@HawkingEmma looks like I will have to do that too, thank you

You don't need to turn off your last online/seen settings. Why are you letting the actions of a controlling man dictate your behaviour?

I can't believe he told you to go to bed!

You wouldn't see me for dust if some dude had stalked me online, determined I was awake and then had the fucking audacity to text me telling me to go to bed!?

GET TO FUCK.