Newly dating man who seems insecure, red flag?

[SMellisa]

Need some advice please.

I have been dating a guy for the past 3 months who is the most passionate and sensitive guy I’ve ever dated and that’s just within 3 months. Yesterday I came across a negative trait I think he may have which is now worrying me??

When we aren’t together we communicate by WhatsApp all the time.

If you are familiar with WhatsApp it states when you read someone’s message and when you respond, it also states when you were last active.

The guy messaged me yesterday morning at work which we always do and I responded to say I was just slightly busy so may take longer to respond, that was at 11 and I didn’t hear from him until 3pm when he sent me this very randomly:

“Well I’ve checked.. you’re not that busy as you’ve been on here.. Don’t know why you think I deserve to be mugged off but thanks :( explanation would of been nice... thought you were better than that...”

I then responded slightly confused to basically say sorry if I’d offended him and it was 100% no intention of mine.... I then said if I’ve offended you that much I’ll leave you alone and give you some space (his message was very out of character for him so I was slightly upset by it)

I didn’t get a response from him until 2 hours later where he says ‘sorry he was just stressed with work’ !!

Is that fair?

He has since then been sending me a few messages to say he would be heartbroken if I stopped speaking to him, etc...

I had been on WhatsApp a few other times that day to just check some messages from friends and some wedding photos I had been sent from a friend’s wedding a few months ago. He has obviously been checking when I was last on.

Maybe it is me over thinking? Is this a red flag? I have never had this before in a relationship so not sure how to deal with it. Baring in mind this guy is 42 so he’s not immature, this isn’t his first relationship.

We seem fine now but until next time .... !

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Xx

Oh and take off read receipts on WhatsApp then people can't see if you've opened a message and you can't see when they have either - I was surprised how much it reduced my anxiety getting rid of those bloody blue ticks!

I just said 'Please don't not ever send me messages like that again.' I have left it at that but little does he know that's me backing off now.

I got this in response:

I’m really sorry... I feel so bad for sending it now... I shouldn’t have.. I have no right to send stupid things like that to you... :( xx

Ever watched 'You' on Netflix? Yeah..... eek...

@ThatCurlyGirl I didn't know you could do that. Thanks I will do. Probably won't go down well...

His text didn’t ‘come across wrong’ - it came across exactly as intended, only he expected you to reassure him and apologise

This, 100%

Dump and block op, he will probably turn up at your home, keep the door licked and tell him to fuck off or you will phone the police.

You owe him jack shit

Now block him on everything. I had one of these - absolute nightmare to get rid of 🤨

@Mummacake even if I blocked him on everything I have a feeling he would still find a way to contact me...

Creepy and clingy. Run.

@SMellisa So are you going to end it?

This is who he is and how he's wired. He needs a level of instant emotional attention on his terms and that won't change. It sounds like you're just discussing it with him but continuing the relationship.

That Mumsnet Classic that I think is a Maya Angelou quote originally - when someone shows you who they are, listen.

If you do keep seeing him then good luck but I'd bet my life on him being unable to change

Yes, big red flag!

My boyfriend was convinced he was about to be dumped the first six months! but he NEVER made me feel I was callous or thoughtless or deceiving him. He used to say ''i have some insecurities in a new relationship, my stuff to deal with''. So I knew he had a tendency to feel anxious (I'd say his attachment style is anxious) but he had the insight and the intelligence not to project that on to me.

He is very funny and generous and clever and I can understand how he's been single for a long time. He pushes people away with his attachment style. Only that he never ''accused'' me of anything and always knew it was to do with HIM, it would have scared me off.

Definitely avoid this man. He is showing his trues colours. Thankfully. Lucky escape

@ThatCurlyGirl thanks for your concern, yes I will be. I'm just trying to work out how. Probably do the 'it's not you it's me thing' !!

@SMellisa

I just said 'Please don't not ever send me messages like that again.' I have left it at that but little does he know that's me backing off now.

You don't need to phase him out or back off gradually, you're three months in! Remember you're allowed to say it's not working for you. Or say you're not ready to be in a relationship. It's not up to him.

Then stick to it, you're an adult who is allowed to make choices about who you share your life with and he sounds like an absolute drama llama.

Sorry OP cross posted - glad to hear it x

Why don't you tell him why? Do his next girlfriend a favour.

Woman dont like needy blokes constantly checking on their online activity. It's creepy. He needs to know it's creepy.

I dunno - yea red flags I suppose. But I've messed up at times and sent texts out of a little panic and paranoia and I've been dumped sharpish because of it - which I understand, but honestly I'm not a loon, just a human with flaws - dating can be bloody weird and stressful.

Maybe try talking to him and telling him how much it freaked you out. Ask him about how he has dealt with insecurity in past relationships. Just give him a a chance to further explain. If he whines or blames or gets defensive then you know it's not looking good.

This: “Beware of men who are sensitive and in touch with feelings because the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with, are their own.” Christ - guys can't win can they?

Sensitive and passionate suggests to me moody and love bombing which are ALSO red flags

And that message he sent! Wtf!

I WOULDN'T have apologised I'd have said something like:

"Do NOT address me like that! I am NOT at your beck and call! I will respond to messages if/when I'm good and ready NOT when you DEMAND I do so! Frankly it's odd that you're clearly closely monitoring whether I'm online or not."

Then I'd dump him that evening!

Possessive, creepy, controlling, stalkery bollocks I'm far too old to even think about entertaining! I'm 46.

Why did his other relationships end? How long did they last?

"Is a man who says "would of" really the man for you?" I must admit that irritates me too 😂

"I wonder why he takes everything I say to offence so much." But doesn't gaf about offending you!

PS< I agree with the others, his first text was his TRUE feelings. He took the fact that you prioritised work, other friends, other messages over him as a personal insult on him. He already thinks you OWE him.

My xh was like this. HE hated himself really so if he didn't get the admiration he needed to counter his own low self worth he would get angry with ME for not validating him!!! even though he hated himself deep down. A real nightmare.

@rosabug

This: “Beware of men who are sensitive and in touch with feelings because the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with, are their own.” Christ - guys can't win can they?

I think you might have misunderstood what PP meant by this - they are saying this about men who are only concerned with their own feelings, not anybody else's.

Please ignore rosabug's post. Really. I have been where you've been far too many times to count. None of them turned out well. "Just talking to him" only works when someone is emotionally stable. He is not.

No no no and a big fat no for good measure.

It's okay to check for a reply.
It's not okay to throw your toys out of the pram because someone hasn't responded a few hours after telling you they are busy today.

With all the other comments I'd be hotfooting it out of that relationship pronto. I remember someone being like this when I dated and I was always having to placate his sensitivity and over explain myself if I didn't reply immediately. I canned it after a few dates. At this stage you owe him nothing, and it shouldn't be this difficult - no treading on eggshells, worrying about offending (unless you were offensive of course, but I doubt that).

He's needy and insecure sure, but he's probably also massively controlling and will expect your undivided attention on him always.

In my experience, this is how it starts. It's intense, the songs, the attention, they've never met anyone like you before, the word "soulmate" gets thrown around a lot. It's amazing. Then when you're in deep it's too late. I hope it turns out ok for you.

@DuchessOfAdler I've text him before and said speak in 15 just having a shower.... speak in an hour just watching something if I'm slow just to let you know.

All times taken to offence. Or been 'off' with me. It's all starting to add up what everyone is saying.

@curlygirl
I didn't misunderstand. I think you perhaps did. Read it again.

And I didn't suggest "just talking to him". Talk and listen then make up your mind. Problem men (people) give themselves away between the lines.

Personally, if I'd been seeing a guy (person) I liked - it would be more, three strikes, a couple of conversations and then you're out...

Send one message, say you're done and then block him everywhere