He's insulted my sexual performance AGAIN

[Har23]

I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my husband telling me that having sex with me was like having it with a sack of potatoes. I eventually got over it and we had words to which he apologised. However, this eve we were having a chat regarding our daughters first disco a d boys. He played the usual protective daddy. I made a comment about his youth to which he would randomly call upon his neighbour above him for sex, his response blew me off my feet. He said well at least she'd go on top. Honest to God I'm so mad, hurt, insulted. I don't no where to begin the disrepect I just can't comprehend. I just can't believe he thinks our sex is so bad.

Leave him.

Dh always makes sure i climax before sex. I wouldnt have it any other way

oh Springwalk we know you are on MN to start fights, some of us are not. Chill out and find a hobby!

Tell him he's been lucky to be getting any sex at all with the way he undermines you, and that if he doesn't like the way you do it he can fuck off and go pay for it because with his attitude I doubt anyone else will want to shag him for free.

He’s disrespectful in every way - this is just the tip of the iceberg

manchester why are you still posting here?? Op has already told you to stop. The only one looking for a fight is you, so please stop.

ilike love that analogy

It's a great anology very accurate. I'm on shift today and I have not heard a word from him. No sorry nothing!!!!

He’s telling you (twice) that ur sexual relationship sucks, listen. Listen and have a talk about it together.

Hi op

I understand how horrible it is to hear your husband say this...but...he is being truthful and I think you have to acknowledge that. He’s not lying just to hurt you.

On the other hand, he’s not acknowledging his part in the problem, because you’ve spared him those details, due to you feeling it would be hurtful to say those things.

So, as far as he’s concerned, he’s the only one with issues regarding your sex life.

He’s been brutally honest and you should be too. You could say ‘look, I didn’t want to say this, but the reason I may come across as lacking enthusiasm sometimes is because I know I’m not going to be left satisfied.’

He needs to hear how you truly feel, no feelings spared and then you can work on moving forward. He sounds frustrated and is deliberately trying to humiliate or force you to change. That’s not a nice thing for any husband to do, so be brave and get those home truths out in the air.

I'm not sure if there is a way forward
It sounds to me as if he regards sex as a service that women provide for men
in his mind the object of the exercise is the man's sexual gratification, the woman's enjoyment is irrelevant

Or ask him if he's got any hot friends that can finish the job after hes given up

So op is supposed to sit there and intently listen to her dh’s insults on her sexual performance and take it all on board, all the while he gratifies himself without a thought of enjoyment and pleasure?? klendraa

Having read your updates I take my first post back. He’s not even bothering to help you orgasm? And yet is saying YOU aren’t good enough? I’m not sure selfishness like that can ever change TBH :(

DBML Do you no think it is the end of a line when a partner starts to openly insult you in this way?

"Every time you say something negative about how I make love/shag, you make it less likely we will ever have sex again. You can make cheap quips or you can get laid; you cannot have both. The choice is yours."

@Springwalk

No, I don’t think it’s the end of the line. I don’t condone what he has said, but perhaps it’s a opener for a much needed conversation.

We don’t know what op’s relationship is like. We don’t know her husband or how he feels about her. We hear a few negatives because logically she’s here to complain. Her relationship may be entirely salvageable after a talk, perhaps some counselling. Her husband might feel apologetic about his comments who knows. I certainly think talking through things like this surely comes before just throwing in the towel (unless the op is already at that point of course).

I remember once in a very angry frustrated state calling my husband a fat, lazy, dick head or something to that affect and saying how I hated him. DH is not fat; never been lazy and I don’t hate him. But it popped out in a moment of anger. Luckily my husband didn’t decide to divorce me based on some name calling and a few insults and in fact stepped up helping me out a bit, realising I was just overwhelmed with things.

So op is supposed to sit there and intently listen to her dh’s insults on her sexual performance and take it all on board, all the while he gratifies himself without a thought of enjoyment and pleasure??*

No, she’s meant to tell him she doesn’t appreciate his remarks. Ask him what exactly his problem is. Explain her side of the issue and let him know where he is failing. Agree a mutually acceptable way forward, that serves both equally.

Then, if after all of this and making a ‘mutual’ effort things don’t improve, then perhaps it’s time to make hard decisions.

@springwalk

WTF. I literally never said that. I said her husband has now TWICE told her (yes not a in a nice way) that their sexual life is poor and he wants her to do X. I’m saying she should talk to him and convey her issues and him convey his issues as adults.

A lot of men don’t even bother telling their partner they don’t like something in bed and cheat.

Oh and op, a well meant word of advice...never ask about, or comment on your partner’s previous sexual relationships. It’s not your business and I don’t know anyone who would happily discuss it with a current partner or who would want it commented on. It will make you come across as insecure whether you mean it or not and piss your husband off. Pissed off people are more likely to have a dig and say something nasty. I’d be stunned if my husband commented on my history.

Why are you having sex with him at all op? He doesn't bother about your satisfaction yet you are busy dressing up for him etc. He does no foreplay which means you are not ready physically, it won't be pleasurable and might even be painful? He insults your sexual performance yet his is rubbish.

Flip it around on him. It is time to make up the gap. Make it all about your pleasure - he's ground you down so much that you are afraid to ask for anything yourself. Though I would recommend just getting rid of him completely.

DBML, The comment that was made was a light hearted u weren't an angel in your day. It did not constitute the response that I got. If u must no I never actually asked about this particular neighbour until she approached us on a night out in the early days of our relationship asking why he stopped contact. It was him that gave me an explanation I didn't ask. I don't care about his previous partners I never have, he married me at the end of the day. He wasn't pissed off either he laughed after he said it. I have spoken to him regarding issues before i get false promises and I will try. Does it happen longest period of 1 week then back to normal.

Har why do you stay with this man? What is he actually bringing to your life. No man is better than a shit unsatisfying relationship.

out of respect for the op I always read every post of every thread, so I don’t blurt out unhelpful, useless comments.

Yeah ok Spring. I'd invite any other users to look at Spring's posting history and decide that for themselves

This probably isn't helpful, but in the early days of my marriage, my husband made a comment about me not being very adventurous in bed. While we were having sex.
The next night, I offered to tie him to the bed and give him a real surprise. He was surprised all right, I got him nice and excited then went to the living room and watched television for a while. After some brief sulking, we both agreed to only discuss sex when we weren't actually doing it, and we worked it out so we were both happy and satisfied.
This was only possible because we care about each others pleasure. If sex with him feels like being the audience for his wank, then of course you are unlikely to be putting much of an effort in.