Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dealing with adult temper tantrums

302 replies

PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 09:55

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

OP posts:
aprilshowers12 · 08/05/2019 10:21

She is personality disordered. I'd advise getting out of this relationship now

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:26

I guess tidiness is a common issue! But I would imagine normal couples would be able to gradually make improvements rather than ending up with a huge row

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/05/2019 10:35

You'd imagine wrong, actually - but you're not "having a row" any more than she is "having a temper tantrum". She's not acting within the limits of normal behaviour, there's something weird and deeply worrying going on there.

Just saying to watch out - her phrasing makes me wonder if she's a fellow MN user and might read this thread and lose her shit yet again.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:40

thanks, I don't think she is a MN user (but you never know).

OP posts:
Windygate · 08/05/2019 10:41

OP that's not a temper tantrum its domestic abuse

WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:47

@PointdeVue does your wife every apologise for her outburst? Or do you find yourself having to say sorry to get things back to "normal"?

chipsandgin · 08/05/2019 10:47

Sounds abusive & controlling - if you really think it’s worth saving maybe look into counselling? I’d be out the door personally.

Think about the behaviour your relationship would model to your children if you had them - would you be ok with them ending up on the receiving end of that in relationships? You really should not have kids with her, if she can’t handle mess or even less, just clean dishes being left in a dishwasher then the chaos of kids would magnify that 1000x. Get out whilst you still can..

Shadycorner · 08/05/2019 10:48

Yes Stuckforthefourthtime pms can cause wild rages and mood swings in some women. Do a bit of Googling you will see it has even been used as mitigating circumstances in court cases. It is a real "thing", my mother had it.

Op it might be worth tracking the time of the rages and if they happen in a regular cycle, it may be that hormones might have a role ?

Either way, a trip to the gp is certainly in order. You say your wife is lovely most of the time, so the symptoms you describe sound like some one suffering from acute stress or anxiety or who feels their life is out of control somehow. She may not be angry about the dishwasher per se, but it represents perhaps her disappointment that she isn't working from home herself, or at home with DC, or her life isn't working out in the way she planned. Agree with other posters though that bringing DC in to this environment would be disastrous (for all of you) without seeking counselling and help.

ravenmum · 08/05/2019 10:51

Thing is, PointdeVue she is clearly not happy. That's not happy behaviour.

By staying with her and accepting this behaviour, you are allowing her to ignore her problems and think it's reasonable.

It could be kinder to let her go, and tell her to get help. If that happens a few times, she might even get help.

Has she had any previous relationships?

FriarTuck · 08/05/2019 10:52

I’d say she is mentally ill and needs to see a doctor. This goes far beyond a fit of temper.
This ^^. You don't start cleaning the kitchen at 2am normally, you sure as hell don't scream at someone to get up and watch. And the fact that you have a list of what to do, and that she had a problem with clean dishes in the dishwasher and dried dishes on the drainer. Okay maybe you'd left crumbs on the worktop but to be honest you sound pretty clean and organised (trained within an inch of your life) and I'd be surprised if you had.
Her getting to that sort of state is deeply unhealthy, for you as well as her. How long before she decides that pouring water on you isn't enough and throwing things at you or physically attacking you with a knife you didn't put away quick enough isn't better? It may sound a bit dramatic but she sounds close to unhinged.

DustyMaiden · 08/05/2019 10:54

The initial reaction could be due to OCD but the getting you up at 2.00 am is bullying. When she calmed down she should have apologised.

Tell her to seek help or leave.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:54

She has had previous relationships, but I don't know how they ended.

I agree that she doesn't seem happy. And, I don't think she does apologise when it happens, I don't think she apologised in the past. She once left me stranded in the countryside, a hundred miles from home when I admitted I left a plate out before we left.

I think my first challenge is to convince her that her behaviour isn't normal.

OP posts:
WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:56

I think you need to write these incidents down.

Doesn't matter if they're in chronological order. Just get them down for now.

Speak to your gp yourself and they can maybe advise as to what route to take.

Even if she is unwell, her behaviour is dangerous. I worry for you.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 11:01

Thanks, I did actually this morning prepare a note of last night, when it happened, what the consequences were, and what the "infraction" was. I can think of three incidents, once where I bought the wrong type of bacon from the shop.

OP posts:
WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 11:02

What was her reaction to the bacon?

I'm almost nervous to ask

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 11:04

I can't remember exactly, but I remember it included a few hours of screaming, about how I didn't care about what was important to her.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 08/05/2019 11:05

she sounds deranged. Even if you lived in a shit tip, she cant have all of a sudden realised that she is the more tidy one.
I have executive function issues and am inherently messy and I think id have a breakdown if someone treated me that way over it. Id rather they found someone who was tidier than got me, and then berated me over it. Im messy, not a fucking punch bag

AnneElliott · 08/05/2019 11:07

As others have said, this behaviour is not normal. My mother is like this so I sympathise as obviously I don't have to still live with her!

I can't offer much advice, only to say that my mother stopped doing this with me when I threatened (and meant it) to record her doing it and out it on you tube.

Will your wife not accept counselling? That's probably the best way for her to explore why she does this.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 11:07

I do see that her behaviour is completely unacceptable, but I do want to save our marriage.

I think encouraging her to get some help would be useful.

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 08/05/2019 11:10

Wow! She is abusing you.

Swap your genders around, imagine a husband screaming in a wife's face, throwing water over her, leaving her stranded in countryside - because of cleaning etc?!

What would you think of the husband?

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 11:11

I know if the sexes were swapped, it would seem so clear that it is abuse.

OP posts:
WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 11:13

It is abuse

Regardless of gender.

If you want to save your marriage then by all means suggest help.

However, what are you going to do if she refuses?

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 11:16

Then, I don't know.

OP posts:
WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 11:18

How do you realistically see her responding to what you need to say to her?

Swipe left for the next trending thread