Dealing with adult temper tantrums

[PointdeVue]

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

Is her mother similar? She may have grown up with it and not think it's that unusual.

My mother used to shout a lot. When I had my first bf it took a while to realise that what I thought was much nicer behaviour than my mother was still not good enough. I wasn't this bad, but I still found it hard to look at and reflect on my own unpleasant behaviour, as in my mind, if it was wrong behaviour that meant I was fundamentally a horrible person. If your wife is refusing to think about it for a reason like that, she needs counselling. You may need to make it as serious as possible - be willing to leave if necessary - to make her accept the idea of counselling.

You have no children. I would leave TODAY. You may not feel ready for it but you need to if only to shock her into seeing how abusive and unacceptable her behaviour is. Your life sounds horrific. My ex H used to smash up the kitchen and I would clean it all up usually crying and fearful. One day he did it and I said "fucking clean it up yourself" and left it. I still to this day remember the look of astonishment on his face. You need to break these patterns even if you want to remain in the marriage.

This is not a Temper Tantrum but an Assault by a abusive woman. Stop minimising her behaviour OP.

Op this doesn't sound like your usual abuse. She sounds mentally ill to me. The whole 2am this is how it should be cleaned thing rings alarm bells for me.

encouraging her to get some help would be useful.
No, her getting help is necessary if you want to have children one day.

Her reaction is unacceptable and awful, absolutely awful.

You should really draw a line and think seriously about putting up with this.

The actual tidying is a separate issue IMO. If you don’t pull your weight, then fine - that needs sorting. But her rages - not at all justified.

@PointdeVue this is domestic abuse, it does not matter the reasons for it (mental health issues or otherwise) it is still domestic abuse.

Waking you up at 2am to berate you further is domestic abuse, screaming at you over and over again is domestic abuse, just because she is a woman and has not hit you (yet) does not mean this is not domestic abuse. You say she works full time outside of the home, how is she with co-workers and her employer, does she work well alongside them or does she scream in their faces and throw jugs of water at them over "infractions"? The answer to that is no I would guess as she remains in employment, so that tells you that she is in control of this, and the abuse is directed at you and she is in control of it.

You need to really take time to think and reach out for help and advice here, try having a read at www.mankind.org.uk/ it may help.

It's not something I've seen from her Mum, but then if you knew my DW, you wouldn't know it from her either.

Your wife is unhinged. When I read that you were thinking about having children with her, I felt sick. That would be the biggest mistake of your life. My opinion is that your only option is to tell her she needs to get help immediately or the marriage is over. You are in an extremely abusive relationship.

I worry that OP is minimising it too.

I hope you understand that you are in an abusive relationship regardless of gender or ill health.

Please DO NOT have children with her.

at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness

This is so far beyond normal.

I'm sorry but it sounds as though this has happened so frequently that you are minimising and 'normalising' it yourself.

Your wife needs to see a GP and mental health specialist. If you love her, please make this happen.

The screaming at you on multiple occasions, waking you at 2am and throwing a jug of water over you? Not on. That is abuse, whatever her mental state.

I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear, but you have to do something here. Carrying on with your head in the sand is not healthy for either of you. It also sounds pretty miserable for you, to be honest.

A temper tantrum is a toddler lying on the floor drumming their heels because they can't have another biscuit. Your wife is displaying alarming levels of rage and anger and seems totally unreasonable. How can you live like this? Waking you up, teaching you how to clean properly at 2am, throwing water at you, leaving you stranded 100 miles from home because you dared to leave a plate out - it sounds unbelievable. You have to give her an ultimatum if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her, but you certainly can't continue living like this.

Maybe that could be a way in, talking about her home life as a child and perhaps how it was in previous relationships. Do you think you could bring that up e.g. as part of a general conversation about parenting, how she would deal with messy children?

She must know that this isn't normal. You need to find a way to start a conversation about this topic that reduces her defensiveness.

I know that I need to do something. The biggest obstacle is that she sees herself as the victim here (which itself is probably a big red flag). She thinks if only I were cleaner, we wouldn't have this problem.

Good grief

I suggest you show her this thread if she's in a calm enough place to accept it.

Or make a gp appointment for yourself and ask her to go with you for support and bring it out in the open that way.

Some people are against ultimatums, but I think they can be entirely appropriate. This is definitely one of those case. The only caveat is that you have to abide by it.

Op, you can't live this way. She is going to wear you down to the point where you'll be living in misery. Tell she she gets help now or it's over, and mean it.

Don't have a conversation about your cleaning, or about the arguments. Have a conversation about relationships, how to deal with disagreement, how her parents did it, how her parents dealt with her and how she is going to deal with her future children. This is a generally good idea if you really want to live and parent with her for the next 30 years. Tell her how you feel, how you plan to parent/live, how you deal with co-parenting/relationship issues, how your parents did it, and ask her what she thinks and how it was for her.

And have a plan in place for the next time this happens. For example, as soon as she shouts, you tell her that you can't live with that behaviour, and you leave. If you have it planned, and promise yourself that this is what you are going to do, it will be easier to do it.

You do have to seriously be prepared to leave, though.

If you were my son I'd simply tell you to get the fuck out of there.

Don't have children with this woman she is abusive

do not have children with this abusive woman, if you struggle with her imagine how it would be for young children.
she really does need help or this situation is going to get worse she is abusive and one day you might be on the end of violence possibly fatal.
i would seriously have to look at leaving this marriage to be honest.

I do have to ask... Do you not have neighbours? No one can hear your wife when she's screaming for hours on end? If I lived near you, I'd be calling the police if I heard that.

www.mankind.org.uk/
www.mensadviceline.org.uk/help-and-information/heterosexual-male-victims-of-domestic-violence/
respect.uk.net/information-support/male-victims-of-domestic-violence/

Three sources of support and advice for men experiencing domestic abuse. Please have a look at them and don't let her force you out of your home.

Nanny - why not? Too far-fetched?
If it isn't real, how kind of the OP to bring up a subject that a lot of people struggle with, so that we can all discuss it, and other people in similar situations can have this message hammered home again.

We live in detached house, and I hope they can't hear.