Dealing with adult temper tantrums

[PointdeVue]

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

Another ocd sufferer here.

A common misconception is that it's "about" cleanliness or things being in the right places etc - it's not!

It's about control, it's about feeling you have no control of your environment/life and attempting to rectify that via the rituals.

Which of course is disordered thinking but to the sufferer makes complete sense.

There is a logic applied to how we think, it's just a different logic to almost everyone else.

Hormones are also a KNOWN factor particularly for women with mental illness.

I have endo too and I am now taking the pill continuously because when I was premenstrual my anxiety was going through the roof!

This was something my dd first noticed and then I started tracking with a period tracker that allowed for recording of emotions and narrative notes too. Within a few months it was clear that there was a pattern of me "freaking out" most in the few days before my period.

When I freak out that can include doing and saying things I wouldn't normally. Nowhere near to this extreme but I'm definitely not as in control of my actions as I am at other times.

All of this DOES NOT excuse her behaviour and does not mean you must tolerate it! Nobody would blame you for leaving her given what has happened but if you choose to stay then I would say it needs to be conditional on her getting help.

And DEFINITELY don't have children.

I had dd pre dx but I was already fairly certain I was a sufferer but it was far more manageable (and easier to hide) then. I certainly wasn't anywhere near as ill as your wife seems to be.

Pregnancy hormones and the stress of wanting to do the best for the baby and not expose them to risk SERIOUSLY ramped up the thoughts AND the rituals. That was the first time I tentatively broached it with my HV and GP and was given some support though they seemed to think it was a temporary possibly pnd triggered issue.

For various reasons for me it has worsened even with support but some respond very well to treatment.

She certainly can't carry on like this.

Honestly you will be doing her a favour if you are clear and assertive with her and say "enough is enough get help or I'm done!"

If she won't even discuss you're flogging a dead horse and it's pointless continuing.

Excellent post Graphista