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To expect help from my husband?

(25 Posts)
Cloud9889 Fri 11-Nov-16 20:13:29

Does anyone else get help around the house from their husband? If so, how much and what is reasonable to expect?
I am on Maternity leave with DC2. I cook, clean, scrub the floors etc etc in most of my waking hours when I am not caring for the children - my house is big but still dirty and messy!! I used to have a cleaner but finances do not allow.
Anyway, my husband works full time and out of the house all day. He will often just leave his dirty clothes everywhere (despite us having two wash baskets), leaves his dirty dishes around. I do nearly all of the cooking, washing clothes etc..
I am not sure if I an expecting too much of my husband or whether this amount of help is just normal?!!
I am just not sure if I should just be accepting that this is what I have to do as I am on MAT leave.
Sometimes I do wonder if perhaps I am just not giving him a chance to do his share?!
btw he will do things he wants to do like tidy and rearrange things (then leave for work and leave me wondering where he has put everything!)

harderandharder2breathe Fri 11-Nov-16 20:16:11

Yanbu, a grown man should not be leaving dirty clothes everywhere like a teenager

Nanny0gg Fri 11-Nov-16 20:19:21

He is lazy and you are not his servant.

If my DH left dirty clothes lying around they would never find their way to the washing machine.

And food would not be finding its way to his plate.

What happens when you go back to work?

RandomMess Fri 11-Nov-16 20:20:08


You shouldn't be expecting him to help.

you should be expecting him to do his fair share both around the house and in parenting.

I suggest you read the book "wifework" and start allocating yourself equal leisure time pronto.

DouglasFirs Fri 11-Nov-16 20:20:18

You're on mat leave to care for your baby, not to clean up after your partner. Maybe different if you were a stay at home mum, and you and your partner had agreed that he'd work while you looked after the home, but as it is, you are "off work" to bond with your baby, not to clean his dishes. What did he do before you had children? Did he expect you both to work full time and for you to pick up after him? It's not a different situation in my opinion - you both have a full working day, so things like washing, cooking, cleaning, childcare, should be 50/50 outside of working hours

Jog22 Fri 11-Nov-16 20:20:32

Ah you have the infamous floordrobe! I have one of them. First question is what do your weekends look like? Are you able to go off and do your own thing while he has dc1?

Veggiesupremeextracheese Fri 11-Nov-16 20:28:04

My husband does nothing either! No advice as I'm in the same situation!

Oysterbabe Fri 11-Nov-16 20:35:38

No my husband doesn't help around the house because that implies he'd be doing me a favour. We both split the chores as they are the responsibility of both of us.

gluteustothemaximus Fri 11-Nov-16 20:36:05

I do think there's a fundamental flaw in some male thinking which leads many to assume women's jobs = baby and housework.

I don't get it.

When a man lives on his own, does he not wash/cook/clean/tidy for himself? He must function normally and do all of these normal things in addition to working.

For some reason when getting married, that goes out the window for some men, and it becomes women's work. Then it becomes 'he works, so doesn't need to do anything else'.

TBH DH was a little like this at the beginning. Since being self employed (both of us are now) - we literally juggle and split everything 50/50. DH realised how bloody impossible difficult it was to get anything done with a baby and things got better from there!

You both live in a house that makes mess/needs maintaining - it's not anyone's 'job' - it should be a shared effort.

I hope to bring DS up not to expect women to do the housework/do his share, and to bring DD up not to be anyone's slave.

And, yes, maternity leave is for baby. Congratulations btw flowers

gluteustothemaximus Fri 11-Nov-16 20:36:54

No my husband doesn't help around the house because that implies he'd be doing me a favour. We both split the chores as they are the responsibility of both of us.

^ This ^

RavioliOnToast Fri 11-Nov-16 20:43:24

Everything that didn't go in the washing basket would go in the bin in my house. I don't pick up other adults shit. If he drops a sock on the way to the laundry, that's completely different and of course I'd put that in the basket.

When he comes home from work, yes he may be tired, but so are you. If he's any kind of decent person he'll just help you- it wouldn't be about point scoring, 'I've worked x amount of hours' etc. If he respects you'll he'll pull his finger out of his bloody arse and sort his washing out. He'll put a load of washing in if the basket is full. He'll fill the dishwasher or do the dishes if they need doing. I hate this 'I've been at work all day' attitude, as if it makes somebody completely exempt from lifting a finger.

Schedule yourself a nice spa day and get your hair done. It'll be nice to have some you time

Yukduck Fri 11-Nov-16 21:12:02

Is there any thing stopping you from doing the shopping in the evening whilst your dh looks after both dc's?
When on mat leave, I always tried to keep on top of the general day to day cleaning, tidying, bed making etc whilst looking after my dc's so never asked my dh to help as it was mostly done by the time he got home.
But what I found tipped me over the edge into exhaustion was trying to shop, bake or visit friends with two tiny dc's. I wish (looking back) that I had left the dc's to bond with dh after supper (leaving him to do the evening bath routine, read a book, make warm milky drinks and put dc's to bed) and gone out to shop, visit friends, see family and have some time away from the home for a couple of hours once or twice a week.
If you keep on coping why would your dh even think of offering any help? He would not want to rock the boat if it is all working like clockwork.
You need to engineer some personal time to re-charge your batteries. It is not selfishness, rather a much needed break for you and bonding time for dh with the dc's.
He may start appreciating you more if he finds there is no magic towel finding fairy, milky supper making fairy, or baby sleepwear finding fairy.

Yukduck Fri 11-Nov-16 21:19:27

Well put oysterbabe

Lazyafternoon Fri 11-Nov-16 23:09:27

I'm a SAHM so most of the housework falls to me. But is not all up to me!

The basic rule of thumb is that the other helps out if one is still busy doing chores. This normally means I done most things by the time DH is home and we've eaten dinner. BUT if there's still laundry/washing up/ dishwasher etc to do I'll expect help.

I used to keep quiet and seethe. But eventually realised he wasn't psychic and even though nothing pissed me off more than him sitting on the sofa with a beer when I'm still hanging up his pants to dry, I needed to make that clear! Let's say if he left dirty laundry on the floor and didn't put it in the laundry basket he'd get an earful from me - if it's clean why is it on the floor if dirty it goes in the basket. I don't touch his dirty clothes on the floor - but I will moan to him about them :-)

EveOnline2016 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:14:28

Dh just does what I ask him to do, but wish he would use his mind and just do something.

ThymeLord Fri 11-Nov-16 23:24:24

It isn't 'help'. Stop seeing it as help. You aren't employed as his housekeeper ffs! He lives in the house, wears the clothes, eats the food and helped make the babies. Half of the work is his.

Yukduck Sat 12-Nov-16 11:26:23

I agree men are not psychic lazyafternoon but they are not gagging to help either.
I am constantly battling dh's belief that the home runs like clockwork without him needing to lift a finger. His mantra is "you only have to ask". So now I do.
He is not lazy, and is a lovely kind man, but more of an armchair opportunist (any opportunity to fall asleep in the armchair!!).
Now if I am busy doing the ironing I will come straight out and ask him to vacuum or empty the washing machine and hang the washing out, or take the dog outside to give him grooming.
I still do not quite get why he does not see these things need doing. But he is more than willing to help if asked (which after 30yrs of marriage I still find a tiny bit irritating!!).

SheldonCRules Sat 12-Nov-16 12:10:22

I'd be cross with clothes on the floor as that's messy but I would expect to do the bulk of the housework and only share what's left at weekends.

Regardless of sex, if one is at home whilst the other is earning to provide for the family then it's not too much to ask that they do the house stuff. 50/50 is fine and right if both work but expecting 50/50 when only one works isn't fair as they aren't sharing the working/financial burden in return.

expatinscotland Sat 12-Nov-16 12:31:32

Jesus wept! Not a day goes by on this site that there isn't a thread from some women who procreates with a sexist pig. Stop picking his shit up off the floor! Stop cooking him meals. You are on mat leave not housework leave. Stop thinking of pulling one's weight in life as 'help'. Who wipes his arse before he got married and conned you into it?

WankingMonkey Sat 12-Nov-16 12:35:48

My husband does nearly all of the household chores. I am currently disabled though. But even before that he did his fair share and more.

We both worked equal hours though, so that was fair. if he was fulltime and I didn't work, I would probably have done more of the share. But he would still help in every way he could, especially with young kids round the house as he is not one of those partners who reckon parenting is less stressful than a job or thinks I sit around watching TV all day or anything.

Happymumof3tob Sat 12-Nov-16 12:50:47

I understand you. I am a sahm. But i also help out with his business doing admin. Thats and the kids and the housework cooking and school runs. I am exhausted. I never go out unless i have all the kids with me and dont have acar so unless its local i dont go anywhere without dh. I love him to bits. And he works nearly 7 days a week at times. So its hard to share everything. Just take each day as it comes x

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 12-Nov-16 13:36:46

As said before, you're on MAT leave not housework leave.

Think on this: every time that disrespectful arse drops something on the floor rather than putting stuff away what he's really saying is "fuck you cloud9889, you pick it up. And like it".

Every item of clothing he drops on the floor somewhere gets dumped on his side of the bed. He might not notice until he runs out of clean pants but you're not the one who needs them, are you?

Sparlklesilverglitter Sat 12-Nov-16 13:39:00

My DH doesn't "help" around the house. He respects this is his home and does his fair share of the household stuff

KondosSecretJunkRoom Sat 12-Nov-16 13:46:46

Yeah, tonnes. Especially this week when I've been unwell but even on a regular week we do a relatively equal load. We don't have a rota or anything, I just know this because we drop onto the couch at the same time on an evening.

He's not a saint though, he does that thing where he likes to keep you abreast of each and every job that he's done so that none of his effort is missed but I've countered that recently by doing the same - it gets boring really quickly though grin

SolemnlyFarts Sat 12-Nov-16 13:53:55

YABY to expect 'help'. Is there any reason he reckons he doesn't have to put in his share of housework - because he's working? In that case, it will all change when you go back to work, no? Why don't you ask him and see what he says?

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