Dealing with adult temper tantrums

[PointdeVue]

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

It just seems to me that I cannot solve the problem by becoming tidier.

No, you can't. You can only solve it via psychiatric help for your wife, or separating. Do you think there is a reasonable chance that, in calmer moments, you can get her to accept that this is seriously abnormal behaviour that will definitely put your marriage at risk?

If she perceives your cleanliness to be the issue she needs to accept that you are trying your absolute best and it still falls short. That you are going to have to live the rest of your life knowing you will fuck up periodically, because guess what, you are human, and when it happens, not if, you will be abused. And that maybe you don't want to do that. Who would?

Id suggest the freedom program online. I suspect it'll be an eye opener for you.

2 people are murdered by their partners every week on average. what happens if she becomes violent and has a weapon to hand ?
you really need to leave this woman.

If this is out of character, then she is having some mental health issues. She needs support, time, lots of understanding, and most importantly, she needs to see a doctor.

Good point fecketyfeck21 Sounds like she was happy to fling jugs of water around and if a jug collides with your head you may end up with a serious injury and/or knocked out.

At these times can she really claim to be in control of her behaviour?

OP
I wonder what kind of person you are to accept her verbal and physical attacks? Is it something that you are familiar with prior to meeting her?
Or have you changed since being with her?
Her behavior is extreme and totally not normal.
Why are you putting up with this? Are you scared?
She is certainly controlling you and your mention of a list of jobs you must do is disturbing.
You do know that you don't have to do what she or anyone says?
My DH does housework, sometimes it's not as I'd do it, but I'm happy that he does it. And I'm sure he feels the same as me on occasion. But it really doesn't matter at all.
This controlling lifestyle you are living is not normal. But it seems to have become your normality.
As others have said, she can control it when people are around or when she's at work. This just makes her attacks on you worse.
You are being abused.

I am going to play the devils advocate here. Literally!!

Perhaps she is overloaded and you aren't supportive enough. So things build up over time and then once in a while she blows it. This then becomes a frequent thing where both of you are unable to change behaviours as it become a habit. You become passive, she becomes more and more annoyed as she is not getting the response/help she wants...

If you RTWT you'll see that this has already been covered, harajukubabe. The scenario you describe isn't what's happening.

I sometimes take issue with dh's cleaning standards but I don't hound him out of bed at 2am, chuck water over him, abandon him miles from home. If it's important, I tell him what the problem is and how to fix it without even raising my voice. That's even when I'm really pissed stressed out about something, harajukubabe

OP's DW's behaviour is not a rational response to clean plates being left in the dishwasher.

greenberet
I'll say it again.
The only amount of abuse that is acceptable in ANY relationship, is NONE!
NONE at all.
Whether that is once a year or every day of the year.
We've all said that OPs DW needs help.
It really does sound like MH issues.
BUT, that does not mean that the OP should put up with living like this.
No-one should.
And YES, if someone is abusing you, no matter how infrequently, you should cut contact.
You should not have negativity in your life.
What OP describes is NOT slight affront.
That is full on verbal, mental, physical abuse.
There is NO compassion or understanding here on the DW part.
Although the OP is certainly trying to be.
Of course none of us are perfect.
But this is awful behaviour from the DW.
We have all given very sound advice based on what the OP has told us.
I think you'll find there are many people on here who know first hand what constitutes an abusive relationship.
They have been there.
Abusive human behaviour should not be tolerated.
Maybe if everyone adhered to this the world might just be a better place.
The fact people put up with it and make excuses for it, is why it continues and escalates.

From someone who had a mother like this: I am begging you not to have children with this woman.

When you talk to her (when she's calm) you need to really have your Rational Adult head screwed on. Do not react to her, pause and then respond.

Keep it factual and unemotive on your part. Stick to facts, "Pouring water over me is not rational", "waking me at 2am to show me how to clean is not rational" etc.

One clean plate in the drying rack and another on the counter does not equal a dirty kitchen. What prevented her fromscooping up those plates and putting them away herself before you left on Thursday? It sounds like you'd done the bulk of the kitchen, what had she been doing?

PointdeVue

This is extreme.

You can't fix her. You can't be perfect enough and you know it. A poor little child certainly won't be and will have no escape.

What you can do is have boundaries around your own dignity. And enforce them. If she screams, you walk out. It doesn't have to be leaving the relationship forever, but you need to show her (not tell her) that you won't be treated that way. Just go for a drive and text her 'I will not be screamed at. Text me an apology when you're ready to talk'

I did want to come back and say that I've been listening and reading, and I recognise there is a big problem. Last night, however, I (and I think my wife) wanted to have an evening with no problems, so I cooked dinner, did the dishes and we both read and did our things before going to bed without any drama. It's something I want to discuss with my wife at the weekend, when things have calmed down a bit. I did wonder whether writing it down in a letter may help.

Does she think that because you work from home you're not actually working?

My wife works full time in a busy job, and we don't have children, but we are thinking about trying.
I think, with the current problems, trying fur/having a baby would just make the situation worse.

She once left me stranded in the countryside, a hundred miles from home when I admitted I left a plate out before we left.
You must know her behaviour is far out of the ordinary though and is escalating. It may be wise for you to take a physical break away from her for a few weeks both to protect yourself and give each of you physical space to consider next steps.

I hope you find a way to raise the subject with her this weekend. Because I agree with everyone who says that she needs professional help, sooner rather than later.

I don’t think she’s doing it to control you - I think she’s doing it because she is unwell. But that doesn’t make any of it ok.

If she won’t accept that it’s a problem then I think you need to leave.

That depends on a huge number of things.

Do you feel more comfortable expressing yourself in writing.
Are you an emotive writer?
Does writing escalate your own emotions?
Is she reader?
Is she more emotional as a reader than as a listener?
Does she take in information better as a reader?
When do you stop commnicating by letter and communicate face to face? and so on.

I have had much success with my own dh by writing to him, by note, text or by email. He seems to actually consider what is written by me in a way he does not consider what I say when I speak. From my pov I can get my own anger out of the way by writing but not sending and then rewriting. He does write back but his behaviour changes, and seems to change on a long term basis (so far!). I do not ask if he's read my text/email/note, I don't mention it at all. He'll make one -two at most - slightly snidey comments which show he's read it which i ignore. I ensure that I dish out a bit of praise when I see him doing the 'right' thing and then it's done, he seems to understand. I would love to be able to just talk things through with him but it's not possible. Even when he seems to be talking things through sensibly no actual change occurs just empty promises.

He does NOT write back, fgs, sorry! What a moment for the keyboard to blank! He does NOT write but his behaviour changes....

What did you do/say when she poured the water on you?

What you are describing is not a temper tantrum or arguing it is abuse.
She has the ability to control herself, like when your guest was there. I assume she was not screaming in front of him/her. She chooses not to.
Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells? That if the job list is not done, it will set her off. That if the jobs are not done to her satisfaction, it will set her off. Are you altering your behaviour to pacify her?
The events might be few and far between now, but it will escalate. The list will get longer/less manageable; the standards will become higher/unattainable; she will basically shift the goal posts so that you can't win.
Of course you love her and it isn't bad all of the time. That's how it works, nobody presnts themselves as an abuser from the off. It's like the boiling of the frog, the temperature goes up slowly so that it doesn't jump out/doesn't realise until to late.
If she won't get help, you need to leave.

When she poured water on me, I think I stormed off. I probably said something like "for fucks sake" or similar. Unprompted, she won't apologise for it