to think he should do the fucking washing up

[wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna]

Deal is, I cook dinner, he does the washing up.

But he never does it that night he says "I'll do it in the morning".

I can't fucking stand knowing its sat there all night. But if I start doing it in the evening he gets all pissy and says he'll do it later.

FFS!! DO IT NOW YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!

[Maturecheddarcheese]

Just cook for yourself and then wash up your dishes. He can go it alone for a while.

[wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna]

Ooh - good idea!!

That'll learn him.

[Ifailed]

if left, does he do it in the morning?

[someonestolemynick]

I think yabu, if he actually does it in the morning.
As long as the washing up is done before the next meal is cooked, why does it matter if the dishes aren't immediately washed. I'd let this go, you'd all be happier.

[wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna]

He does do it in the morning. But just sits on his arse all night while it's sitting there in the evening. If I do it, he mopes into the kitchen and gets all annoyed. I have tried explaining how much it bothers me to leave it all over the kitchen before bed.

I should also mention we have a dishwasher, so most of it goes in there anyway. He only has to load dishwasher and then wash up anything that isn't dishwasher safe.

We both work. I come in, sort the baby's dinner out then sort out dinner for us out once baby is in bed.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Cook dinner in the morning.

[JinRamen]

I feel your pain!

I cook every night. And wash up. Except the nights I go to work, then it is supposedly dh job. Except when I get home from work it is still there so I have to do it anyway at some stupid hour of the night or get up early to do it so we have something to eat breakfast from! He cooks on Sunday but never does the dishes. I need a dishwasher!!

[someonestolemynick]

This really is your issue: he does go it before it needs to be done.

If it really bothers YOU that much approach him at a quiet moment, tell him how you feel and see if you can work out a solution: swap duties, you do it and he does another chore for you.

I would be kind of unimpressed, if my dp was pressuring me into doing something that didn"t need to be done at that point, because it bothered him.

[kvilebu]

Aaaargh - awful.
My ex used to do that as well and when he eventually got round to it he would do half of it and then take a "breather". Which meant by the time the next meal came round half of the dishes hadn't been done. Dishes from the next meal ended up piled on top - he would do half of them and then take a "breather".
Then he would flip out and storm out of the house slamming the door when I complained about it.
I ended up doing what a PP suggested and just cooked and washed up for myself. He then resorted to just cooking frozen pizzas and eating them out of the box they came in so he did not have to do any washing up.
Lazy Bastard.

YANBU

[HermioneJeanGranger]

YABU, what difference does it make? So long as they're done before dinner the next night, does it really matter whether it's done at 8pm or 8am?

On the other hand, if it really bothers you, why not get him to cook and you can wash up before bed?

[Tessticklesyourfancy]

My exh used to do this, drive me nuts, especially as he used to leave for work at 6.30 in a morning. He would either make a load of racket going it or leave it because he was running late so if get up to a sink of cold mucky greasy water with pans plonked in. I solved it by calling for fish and chips after work and then after I'd eaten I went home and told him I couldn't be bothered to cook but I'd do it in the morning, I went round to a friends house and left him to it. That solved it for me.

[ThomasRichard]

YANBU. STBexH dos this but he used to leave it for days. It was disgusting and embarrassing and his general attitude towards housework was one of the reasons I'm divorcing him.

[wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna]

I genuinely did not realise that so many people wouldn't have an issue with this.

Maybe I'm more demanding than I ever realised... I genuinely thought most people washed up after dinner. Not left it until the morning.

We've never fallen out about it as such. But it does really grate on me.

His cooking is atrocious. No way would I swap duties.

[velourvoyageur]

Pick your battles.....it's not really unreasonable to leave it as long as it gets done without your having to nag in the morning etc. If he did start doing things the way you wanted it, it would be him accommodating you, not him finally being reasonable IYSWIM, because it's just your personal slightly anal preference.
stop stirring Oona it just came across as a little controlling to me - you're not his dad or mum
agree with someonestolemy

[ouryve]

I'd have an issue with it and I'm not even an overly tidy person.

It's not like we have a lot of space in the kitchen, anyway, without a load of dirty, greasy, stinking dishes cluttering the place up when I need to be making packed lunches, or breakfast or just need somewhere clean and dry to fold laundry. It's less work done before everything has dried on, rather than left to fester.

[littlejeopardy]

Initial reaction is just let him wash up in the morning. No harm done. But is your home open plan? I don't mind a messy kitchen if I can shut the door and walk away, but I might feel different if I had to be in the same room as the dirty dishes all night.

[wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna]

Not open plan - but I do use the kitchen in the evenings as our utility room is connected.

I also just don't like coming downstairs to make coffee in the morning surrounded by dirty dishes etc.

[KatharinaRosalie]

for people saying YABU, it obviously doesn't bother you that the kitchen is a mess. I could not go to sleep like that, and I don't want a pile of dirty dishes to be the first think I see when I wake up. So I totally get you OP.

If DH is unable to understand this and fine with leaving everything a mess, maybe you can share tasks differently? He cooks, you clean? He does something else useful instead? (Sitting on his arse while you cook and clean is not an option)

[KatharinaRosalie]

Ah crossed posts.
Have you showed him this: mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

it's not about dishes per se, but if one partner says that something really bothers them, then doing it (i.e leaving the dishes to fester) is like saying 'well fuck you, WhereThe'

[someonestolemynick]

"Most people do it" is that like "but johnny's parents let him stay up til 3am."

A messy kitchen would bother me less than a partner nagging me to wash up without good reason.

[ShadowsInTheDarkness]

I left the washing up last night and this morning came down to dirty surfaces, a strong garlic smell and a bowl full of cold greasy water with dishes at the bottom. I had nowhere to make packed lunches and breakfasts, the cat was up on the side licking pans and we were late as it took me 20 mins to restore order. YADNBU.

[MiffleTheIntrovert]

I am your DP/DH. I have been known to hide dirty dishes in the oven and shut the door to avoid washing up My thinking is, as long as it's done before it is needed, it doesn't have to be immediate. We have very differing views on housework.

However. I love DH very much. He is a good and kind person and he brings me a cup of tea if he is here in the morning and lets me lie in even though he doesn't understand lie ins as he is an early riser. He tries very very hard not to hoover the minute he gets in the door so I don't feel guilty that I've not done it. Likewise, if I know he is tired and eyeing the dishes, I will do them so he doesn't stress or do it himself. I even put plates back in the cupboard even though I think it's pointless as they can be used from the draining board

It's a minor thing in the scheme of bigger things, I tend to think sometimes you can be right or you can be kind. Maybe compromise and he washes up before bed alternate nights, and you ignore them if they're aren't done alternate evenings.

This is based on the fact your dp is also a good kind person who also compromises, mind. If he isn't, fuck him

As someone here wonderfully said "is this the hill you want to die on?" Pick your battles. I don't want to be the type of couple that argues over washing up, so we don't. We both compromise.

[wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna]

Someonestolemynick - I'm not nagging him, I'm not really the nagging type (honest). I've asked him nicely and now I've posted asking if I'm being unreasonable since he still isn't doing it.

I'm saying, I always thought that's what most people did, and I'm now saying, obviously not.

I am acknowledging that perhaps my assumptions were wrong...

[someonestolemynick]

Sorry OP, I didn't phrase this the way I should have.

Hope you and your dh find a soluthim that works for both of you.