Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dealing with adult temper tantrums

302 replies

PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 09:55

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 12:32

I’m just saying that the first step has to be to see if she sees her behaviour as unacceptable and if she does, tell her she needs help

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/05/2019 12:35

Suggesting anything won't work. You'll have to spell out the stakes if she doesn't first and that means standing up for yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2019 12:36

She's never accepted it as her fault or her problem before now.
Why would this time be any different.
I really do wish you luck but no amount of abuse is acceptable in any relationship - NONE!!!!

ChuckleBuckles · 08/05/2019 12:40

@PointdeVue She knows her behaviour is unacceptable, her actions show that she knows this.

next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again

This shows that she knows her behaviour is unacceptable, she does not do this with witnesses around because she knows it is not right, she understands this, she just disagrees that it is a problem behaviour because it only affects you not her, it only hurts you not her. She engages in this behaviour because she wants to, I will ask again do she behave like this in work, around people who will condemn her behaviour, around those who have authority over her, no she does not. She is abusive, this is how abusive people behave.

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2019 12:40

That's abusive behaviour.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 12:43

I agree, she doesn’t do this in work of course (I won’t say what her job is, as it’s outing, but it is highly related to having a lot of skills and finesse in interpersonal relationships)

OP posts:
teyem · 08/05/2019 12:45

So, what are you hanging around for then? Do you really think that she will change?

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 12:48

I think that she could convince herself to change if we talk about it when she is rational and calm

OP posts:
teyem · 08/05/2019 12:52

People don't change, on the whole. People can change temporarily and but tend to return back to type.

Rhodes2015again · 08/05/2019 12:56

My dh is as lazy and messy as they come! It pisses me off that he is more than happy to let me (someone who he’s meant to love so much) do absolutely everything and not see that it’s completely unfair!
But fuck me I would never ever do that. Pouring water over someone’s head is absolutely unacceptable. It’s abusive. And getting you out of bed at 2am so show you how to clean the kitchen! Wtf!
It’s not how normal people respond to conflicts within a marriage!

EKGEMS · 08/05/2019 12:59

She is an abuser YOU are a victim of domestic abuse-she needs serious psychotherapy and you need to think whether you want the rest of your life like this

HollowTalk · 08/05/2019 13:10

Is this a cyclical thing? Do you notice it's when her period is due?

My neighbour's wife was like this throughout their marriage and it ended in their divorce when she was in the menopause (hotly denied by her.) It made the whole family very unhappy and even now, years later, the adult children tread on eggshells around her.

If she won't seek help, you will have to leave (or get her to leave.) There's no other way. If she can't see that there is a problem, you have to separate. Why put yourself through this? You can't have children with her - that would be grossly immoral. You wouldn't dare leave if you did have children as you wouldn't want to leave them with her, even for part of the week.

greenberet · 08/05/2019 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Prettyvase · 08/05/2019 13:35

She sounds like a tyrant.

She sounds extremely ill.

It sounds like you enable her by pandering to such ridiculous demands!

Stranded over 100 miles away because of a left out plate?!

Come on op. If you want children then you pick the potential mother carefully. One that has patience, kindness and thoughtfulness. Not one that gets enraged over a plate fgs!

It's not the happy fun side of a person that counts. It's the dark side. When things go wrong. When things don't always go the way you hope. This is the true side of a person's character and the enraged tyrannical irrational side is what your wife is showing you who she really is.

This will escalate with time. If you can even think of bringing DC into this maelstrom no matter how infrequent then you are just as unhinged as she is.

TeaForDad · 08/05/2019 13:36

Your wife is an abusive psychopath.
I would insist on gp immediately and if she won't she needs to leave.
Don't ask, tell. You don't need to put up with this!

AutumnCrow · 08/05/2019 13:55

I want to see things from her point of view

During her calm and rational times, which you say are in the vast majority, what does she say her point of view is? If you're really not going to leave - you strongly suggest you're not - then yes you need to know her point of view. From her. Neither I nor anyone on here can possibly tell you. We'd just be guessing.

madeofstarlight · 08/05/2019 14:42

My mum used to be like this and it was so hard to live with, her explosions would come out of nowhere. She had a hysterectomy and went through menopause and is now so much more mellow which makes me think it might have been a hormonal issue for her.

Zakana · 08/05/2019 14:50

I think she needs professional help, she is simply not coping, it would appear.

OTOH, you sound wonderful and I will happily swap you for my lazy 14 stone of lard who does nothing at all around the house, due to the fact I think that he is from a Cypriot family, where the women are duty bound to look after their men, mmmm, not in this house lol!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/05/2019 14:57

This is horrendous, you must be living on tenterhooks, running around cleaning, waiting for her to arrive home and inspect the place ..... you can't carry on living like that!

I get pissed off with mess and find it difficult to live in a messy environment but I wouldn't behave like that, it's very very far from 'normal' and she needs help. And this doesn't even sound messy! One plate! wrong bacon! and what's wrong with leaving clean dishes in the dishwasher FFS

dreichuplands · 08/05/2019 15:03

My dh is pretty poor around the house and it drives me nuts. But chucking water over people is abusive, as is screaming at them for hours.
Do not bring a dc into this relationship.
I would explain to your dw that either she seeks help or you leave. She may well have an untreated mental health issue but that doesn't mean she can be abusive.
Honestly if you want to have a family one day I would just leave.

Greencustard · 08/05/2019 15:04

I think you're fighting a losing battle unfortunately. If you sort this issue out, she'll probably find something else to terrorize you about. She left you stranded in the countryside for leaving a plate out? That's absolutely absurd.

RedBerryTea · 08/05/2019 15:43

I suggest you keep a diary of your wife's moods. I have a neighbour who has screaming fits at her husband. She ruined Christmas last year and her husband told her she had gone too far this time. She was mortified as even she knew she had gone too far, so she sought help from the GP. She's been on hormone treatment since and her moods swings have eased. Please don't even consider bringing a child into this abusive relationship unless and until your wife acknowledges her problem and seeks help for it.

sue51 · 08/05/2019 15:49

Throwing a jug of water at you and driving off leaving you stranded are examples of abusive behaviour. I would insist she get counselling and if she did not would make plans to leave her.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/05/2019 16:04

I'm inclined to repost the whole of Prettyvase's comment, as it says everything I planned to say. Instead I'll focus on two points:

If you want children then you pick the potential mother carefully. One that has patience, kindness and thoughtfulness.

Please don't bring a child into this situation. Your DW is highly abusive. I'm not sure she's unwell, as she can control her behaviour. She doesn't kick off at work or in front of guests, does she? Looks like straightforward bullying and abuse to me.

It's not the happy fun side of a person that counts. It's the dark side. When things go wrong. When things don't always go the way you hope. This is the true side of a person's character and the enraged tyrannical irrational side is what your wife is showing you who she really is.

^^ This. I wouldn't stay with a man who treated me like this. She's horrible. You're being abused.

Connieston · 08/05/2019 16:10

She does sound unhinged. And I'd classify her behaviour towards you as abuse and unacceptable. I'm really sorry OP you must be walking on eggshells. I'm not sure having children is going to help here. She mustn't treat you like that again you're worth more. It's hugely disrespectful.