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Original poster

Dealing with adult temper tantrums

302 replies

PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 09:55

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

OP posts:
fecketyfeck21 · 08/05/2019 11:48

nanny not convinced ? report the thread. some women can be like this, you probably wouldn't query it if it was a woman asking for advice.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 11:48

It is definitely real, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
fecketyfeck21 · 08/05/2019 11:51

sorry op on nanny's behalf, she thinks all women are soft fluffy bunny types, but there are, in the real world women who are bunny boilers and your 'd'w seems to be one of them.

ohfourfoxache · 08/05/2019 11:51

This is abuse. And abusers do not change.

SarahH12 · 08/05/2019 11:51

She sounds mentally ill but that's no excuse for domestic abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if this does escalate to physical violence if she's not addressing her issues. She needs to see her GP / a counsellor asap.

cherryblossomgin · 08/05/2019 11:52

She needs to learn to control her behaviour. She is being abusive and you shouldn't have to live like that. If she has OCD that isn't a free pass to behave like that. I have OCD and anxiety when I feel agitated I go and calm down, then I will talk to DH about how I was feeling and what caused it.

Me and DH have a different standard of clean, one thing is cleaning under the basin when he does dishes. I didn't shout about it, I just mentioned it and now he does it. If he forgets I do it in the morning.

Personally I would give the option to get help or leave.

cherryblossomgin · 08/05/2019 11:54

Maybe marriage counselling?

Loopytiles · 08/05/2019 11:55

That is abusive behaviour.

ravenmum · 08/05/2019 11:58

Joint counselling is advised against when one partner is abusive.

Dullardmullard · 08/05/2019 12:00

this abuse and you need to leave as it will get worse, not better.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 12:03

I do see that it is abusive - the problem is that it happens relatively infrequently, but frequently enough to be a thing (although it sounds as if I am minimising it)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/05/2019 12:06

Yes, it does.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2019 12:06

Don't have marriage counselling.
As an abuser she will just use it as another stick to beat you with.
You have no DC.
Can you imagine if you did?
Please get out now.
No-one should have to live like this.
Do you have somewhere you could go, temporarily?
Just get yourself some headspace to see what you really want from your life.
Do NOT bring children into this scenario.
She needs help.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 12:11

What I expect her to say about this is that I'm not taking her demands for a clean house seriously, and I suspect if I suggest counselling, she may say I'm patronising her. That is what she has said before.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 08/05/2019 12:13

doesn't matter how infrequently it is getting, get out now as it's escalating or you wouldn't have posted and don't minimise it or you'll be back next year with her keeping you up all night with a child in tow.

Dullardmullard · 08/05/2019 12:14

counselling isn't recommended when one is abusive.

PlinkPlink · 08/05/2019 12:15

You poor bloke.

I'm surprised really at the reaction on here. If you were a woman, you would be instantly told that you were a victim of abuse and to look at the Freedom Programme.

I know some have actually said this and I will say it too.

Your wife is abusive. She is emotionally and physically abusing you. You need to leave because this will escalate. Nothing you will do will ever be good enough in her eyes.

Screaming at you?
Screaming at you because of bacon?!
Leaving you stranded in the countryside?
Waking you up at 2am to show you how to clean properly?!

What. The. Fuck?

I 100% believe that she could threaten suicide if you leave (if she's threatened it before stands to reason she might do it again). Which is scary I know. But you really must leave. Ring the police/ambulance to send out to her if she does threaten it. They will assess her if she does and then they will get the right help for her.

This will only get worse my love until she gets help. She needs proper psychiatric help. Until you leave, you are signalling to her that this is okay, this is normal.

If you really haven't got to the point where you think 'this is enough now' then absolutely log it, write it all down. Ring 101 and ask them to log it too. It's so, so important.

I really hope you find some way to move on. Its awful you have to live like this. Treading on eggshells, not sure what's going to set her off. Awful way to live.

PlinkPlink · 08/05/2019 12:17

And God no, dont ever bring children into this relationship.

There are posters in the toilets of maternity wards and natal assessment units countrywide saying that in domestically abusive relationships bring a child into the mix causes more stress and makes things worse. Abusers escalate their violence.

lifebegins50 · 08/05/2019 12:19

If your wife will not take ownership for her anger then there is nothing that can be done. Please don't have children as you will just pass on this behaviour.

If she is prepared to seek help she needs to find a counsellor with experience of personality disorders and possibly DBT.

However it has to start with hers recognising she wants it to change and that her anger levels are not reasonable.

Janus · 08/05/2019 12:22

Think you need to be more firm and say you cannot go on like this. Explain if things were reversed and a man was waking a woman up at 2am to scream at them about tidying it would obviously not be tolerated, it shouldn’t be different if reversed though. It’s making you unhappy and uneasy and unless she speaks to someone about her temper then you cannot carry on. Perhaps this will make her realise she needs help?

ravenmum · 08/05/2019 12:23

Suggesting stuff clearly doesn't work. What are your other options?

teyem · 08/05/2019 12:23

No. I wouldn't put up with that. I think it's time to get out before you have kids and you are tethered to her forever.

Mix56 · 08/05/2019 12:24

She has some kind of "mania"
Leaving you abandoned in the countryside because you left ONE plate out is simply deranged.
I wonder why you leave it out though, why not put ONE plate away if you know its going to cause a shit storm ?

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 12:27

I'm going to suggest the counselling or seeing the GP, and go from there, I think that is all I can do for now (as well as making sure the house is clean when she gets home)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 08/05/2019 12:29

So you're putting up with the status quo. Sorry to hear that. Keep reading up on the subject, talk to people, don't have children, and maybe one day you'll feel strong enough to change things.

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