Dealing with adult temper tantrums

[PointdeVue]

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

Isn’t talk of suicide a cry for help - an indication that a person is out of control has tried all means of communication or attempts to resolve a situation within hear realms of ability.

The op has said From my wife’s perpectives, she sees things that she has told me to do time and time again, and she does say she is frustrated with me not doing everything.

Op how did it get to the situation where you have a checklist of jobs to do

Does this just relate to the kitchen or other areas of the home

If suicide is a cry for help then get help. The spouse is not help. He is not professionally trained to deal with it and nor sure he have to. Threatening suicide to control another person or shut down communication is controlling and abusive.

Getting bogged down in areas of the house that trigger behaviour is minimising the abuse. It doesnt matter why she is abusive its the fact that she is abusive. The responsibility to change should be placed on the abuser not the victim to do better.

@PointdeVue I'm amazed at your patience. Her behaviour was awful and really worrying. Is there anything going on? I just can't believe how angry she was.
I wouldn't tolerate that at all. You shouldn't either.
If she is back to her normal self. Just say that was disproportionate and completely out of order. I personally would say you do that to me again and we'll be done.
It was only about tidying up not an affair.
Poor you be very serious and say we need to talk...

Please don't consider having children with this terribly serious issue unresolved.

She needs to seek psychiatric help, this is not normal behaviour.

I would say if this isn't resolved in a year then divorce. There is no excuse for this level of abuse.

It really doesn't matter who does what in the house it's about respect. She isn't your boss or your mother. She is your equal partner.
Please see it for what it is: She is abusive, nobody has the right to do what she did or to have impossible standards.
Turn the tables you doing to her what she did to you. Would that be ok?
You'll be sleeping rough right now.

Not apologising is a massive red flag for abuse. Feeling her behaviour is correct and acceptable is frightening as it's so extreme. This will escalate and you may even be in danger at some point.

I have sons and if I knew they were treated like that I'll kill her.
You most live in terror. Your mental health it's going to suffer.
If you suggest she gets help do it in a public place. I'm afraid for your safety. I just keep thinking like you were my son and I can cry.
Nobody should be abused and you sadly can't see that she can turn dangerous.
Do not have children.

Isn’t talk of suicide a cry for help - an indication that a person is out of control has tried all means of communication or attempts to resolve a situation within hear realms of ability.

It can be, but in an abusive relationship it's more often than not just another weapon to the abuser's hand. I see no reason why the OP should allow his DW to behave like this in the basis that she'll kill herself otherwise.

I think OP should bring it all out into the open. Report threats of suicide to the doctor and her extended family, as they may have some insight. Don't keep it a dirty little secret.

@FuriousVexation excellent observation. If I understood correctly you want for the OP to reflect how he tries to do everything right to keep the beast at bay.
Her bad temper controls his behaviour. It doesn't matter how much he cleans the tension is there all the time.

I don't think you are really listening OP.

Your wife has no desire to change at all because a) she doesn't think she has a problem, she thinks it's you who is the problem and b) you keep coming back/cooking nice meals/doing nice things the next weekend, so there is no consequence for her behavior.

Moreover, due to some misguided beliefs about wedding vows, you are prepared to stick it out. I know 1000% if I threw water over my husband, or woke him in the night dragging him to the kitchen to show him the error of his ways, he'd leave me. He loves me very very much but he wouldn't stick around to be abused by me. We have lively rows but throwing things at each other or disturbing sleep would all be beyond what either of us would think reasonable.

At the moment, you think there's some 'fix' for this, but your wife would have to change her mind-set and you would have to change yours, which I don't see right now.

If you truly truly love your wife, I think you have to leave. That's the only thing that is going to prompt any self-reflection and get her to seek help. Otherwise you will carry on with her in this bubble of secrecy of appalling behaviour and you treading on egg-shells. She then won't change or get the chance to be a better person.

I agree with @Springisallaround .

I think if a woman was writing this most people reading would tell the op to call WA and leave to be honest.
Your wife sounds obsessive and totally unreasonable. Screaming at you in front of guests and waking you up to tell you you did things incorrectly is not ok, you do know that don't you?

Rather than add the same comments I want to pick up on her response to you asking to talk about it. That's very much a passive aggressive controlling tactic going down the martyr complex "I'll just have to accept you don't care enough about me to do anything I say " line.

She has successfully managed to kick you again at the same time as not having to face her own behaviour.

You mention about vows but honestly she has broken hers to love and honour you by putting you through physical and psychological abuse.

I really do hope you find the line where you act because it sounds a lot like you will brush it under the carpet. I entirely understand why it's unbelievably difficult to decide to leave an abusive relationship and there is no shame at all in finding it hard to leave.

I just hope you do because you deserve so much more.

gamerchick I have reported your post to MN as i feel this I shall another attack to me and implying that my opinion is invalid

you need to get over yourself. How is it that throwing a jug of water over somebody's head, leaving them in the middle of nowhere for an hour, screaming at them for hours over the wrong kind of bacon not abusive behaviour yet people arguing with you on a public forum is abusive and saying "does this matter? Nothing excuses this" is a personal attack on you🙄

Thanks all. I am listening and balancing all the obvious problems with my love for my wife and desire to see if we can solve the problem. This morning my wife went in to a rage because I used the word “minor” to describe the plates in the dishwasher or the plate or whatever it is that upsets her. To her it isn’t minor. Luckily she has gone out so I can relax a bit. It’s this clash of her standards being superior to mine and they mean so much to her. I do worry sincerely for her mental health (as well as mine).

Certainly my eyes are open now to the magnitude of the problem and I can thank you all for that.

op who instigated the talk this morning

I am well aware of talk of suicide being a strategy of an abuser - I had to get the police to look for my Xh after he went awol - he was away from the family home at this time but came back after I "believed" that the marriage issues were due to work related stress. at this time I was not aware of his ongoing affair or that at this specific time OW had called it off and decided to remain with her DH

@greenberet
This thread is not about you. Let the OP get opinions without making this all about you.
Start your own thread if you want to chat/argue.

Personally I would dismiss any 'suicide threats' as manipulation with this level of abuse. If she does it again, take her seriously and tell her you're contacting the relevent services for assessment. She doesn't get to control your behaviour and compliance that way.

upFuck this

#what do you think would be a good growing

@purplepears - I am well aware this thread is not about me but there seems to be a consensus on here that because I have a different perspective my comments are invalid or irrelevant.

by giving examples of my own situation the op can see that I am talking from experience rather than just blindly saying it is this or that.

I have had recent suicidal tendencies - are you saying it is because I am trying to get my own way in a situation and this is manipulation to get it - or is it because I have tried desperately to right a situation through proper channels that continually bend & twist everything I say until it is obvious that it is nonsense.

personally I would hope that the talk of suicide has already triggered at the very least an appointment at her GP - nobody knows what is going through someone's mind - even with the abusive behaviour nobody knows how real this talk is other than DW.

Her behavior is odd and abusive. Would you see a counselor together? She needs to see things from your side, you are already trying to see things from hers.

I agree that the next time she talks about suicide you should explain that you need to contact health services for her own safety and security.
Either she will receive services she needs or she will not threaten this as a control mechanism again without realizing the consequences of it.

@greenberet
I'm not saying anything at all other than this thread is not about you. That's all. Simple as.