Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

I'm taking a rest too, this OLD lark is not fun at all
Also my youngest has said he no longer wants to go to his dads eow,due to ex's girlfriend. He is convinced she doesn't like him. It's her home ex lives in and he says he doesn't feel welcome. So need to have yet more chats with ex ( looks like overnights will stop but day time trips could work)and dating just seems extra hard work on top of this.

I think it's good to take breaks. I am not sure where I am with MrF but I also have no desire to start swiping again yet. I think you know when you're ready and when you're not.

My dcs are also a lot older now. When they were small, because they rarely saw their father, I didn't do OLD because it was such a nightmare logistically. Believe me it does get so much easier when they are older (but then of course they also develop opinions!).

The general chit chat is actually painful 😂. I'm so bored of it 😂.

@ItsAMiracle2015

Hey how are you
How's your week/day/weekend
You look fit in your pictures
Doing much
How long you been on here
Had many dates
How you finding tinder

😴😴😴😴😴

lifegoes and ItsAMiracle that is exactly what my Tinder and POF messages look like! Oh and 'hello beautiful'. Seriously, I wish they would make an effort. If I message someone I always try to say something about them or ask them an interesting question.

I was having a chat on Tinder with a guy this morning that I thought was going well and he suddenly unmatched me. I have no idea why but the conversation just disappeared which was rather unnerving. I know these things happen but it just shows how disposable all this OLD makes people.

On the subject of narcissists, my long term ex was definitely one, and an abusive twunt, but I don't use the label to excuse his behaviour. He is a nasty person who behaves badly to people to make his sad pathetic life feel better for himself. I don't really care why he does this, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I managed to disentangle myself from him back in February 2017. He was a classic abuser who undermined me constantly and made me feel bad about myself, but my life is so much better without him. I have no idea where he is or who he is with and I don't really care. I know that I still have some issues regarding my self-esteem to work on, but I am getting there.

@lilyrose I've had at least 3 people want to meet for a coffee/drink and then just disappear. I'm becoming quite resilient but you do ask yourself why, if it's something you've said or is it just that they get better offers, I don't know.
I have no irons at the moment, fed up with it to be honest!

@LilyRose88 it really puts me off a guy when he's boring with opening messages.

Sorry to hear about ex, the way you have described the situation now sounds good and that you are in a much better place.

I think anyone who has suffered a bad ex be it a narcissist it always leaves you rebuilding yourself for years to come. They never understand the damage they did then and for the future

daffo my two are only 1 & 3 so feels like a long time off 😂 My ex is a horrible twat but thankfully has become a better dad since we split so I do at least get 3/14 childfree but think I would rather go to the gym/ Netflix/ out with mates than waste time on dating

lifegoes The worst chat though for me is when it’s very inane and then suddenly you get “I am sooo horny” or “what do you like sexually” oh do fuck off!

I have decided I have issues and think men are shitheads. Old is not helping this opinion at all (men on this thread you are exempt) so it’s time for a rest. I am aware that it’s something I am putting out there to attract losers. I am out of the country a lot from Monday till the end of June so it’s a great time to have a break

@Marlboroandmalbec34 hate that!! Or "fancy some fun tonight?"

Yeah I really do. Hence why I've bought new batteries for me rabbit 😂

Sounds like we are all in the same boat. Maybe the next thread needs to be OLD they were on a break

lifegoes a whole thread with no irons, no dates, No fuckwittage. 😁

@lifegoes he’s finally messaged saying hes a bit poorly (hangover) I’ll see if there’s an improvement later.
I can def relate to hating chitchat, it took me 2 years to invest in dating and see past the bullshit stage. Even now i’m not sure I can see past it, it just seems hard work!

@Lovemusic33 that’s rubbish, you def need to bin him and move on.

My DS doesn’t see his dad at all, he decided at 10, after a messy two year court battled they concluded DS should choose.

Hi all, I am a regular poster here but need a bit of anonymity for this one... sorry if this is oversharing.
Been seeing a guy, met online, early days (4 weeks). I am very into him. He is lovely, quite quiet, tactile etc.
The thing is, when we are in bed he is quite dominant (he’s over 6’ and I am just over 5’) and he sometimes holds me by my hair at the back of my head, which I’ve never experienced before and I’m quite happy for him to do this.
Last night he put his hand on my throat/chest (not quite my neck. He didn’t squeeze or anything just placed it there... and I moved it away and we just continued.
I’m not perhaps the most experienced in the bedroom. He didn’t make me feel afraid or anything but as it’s never happened to me before I just wondered how normal this is?

I am definitely getting a bit jaded with the whole OLD thing. I have only met one guy that I really fancied, and that was Mr Tiler who I met last year and dated for nearly 4 months, when he suddenly ended the relationship. I slept with Mr Outdoors but I'm not sure that I really fancied him, he was just the best of a bad bunch. And he turned out to be a bit of a sex pest anyway. I was wondering last night whether there is anything wrong with me as I just don't fancy the guys that get in touch with me.

I am just being cross examined on POF by a guy who wants to know why I have put my location as a large seaside town in Sussex when I have just told him that I live a couple of miles along the coast from there. Its not like I have said I live in Edinburgh when I really live in London! I did it for a number of reasons, mainly because I live in a small place and I don't want to date someone who lives opposite me .

@Imin2minds guess it all depends how it makes you feel. If you like it, then nothing wrong with it, but if you don't feel comfortable, then perhaps mention it.

Imin2minds I have had a couple of guys pull my hair during sex and I don't like it, but I know that some people do. I would personally not be happy with hands around throat or chest if I felt he was working up to some kind of throttling or choking thing. Again some people like this and find it arousing, but you need to decide whether you are happy with this, as it does sound as though he likes to be dominant and it may lead to other forms of domination.

I am very plain vanilla in the bedroom (and in other places ) and I am always clear about my boundaries. Maybe it is time for a conversation with him about what you both like in the bedroom, and a discussion about boundaries and what areas you are happy to experiment with.

Thanks @eesha I suppose I felt a bit “vanilla” which I am I think. I wonder if I’m adventurous enough? I really like how physically strong he is and he certainly seems to be turned on by me 😁

@lilyrose88 thanks. I think that’s what I wondered... where is this going? I’m not into choking or anything like that.
I wondered if it meant he didn’t respect me?
He didn’t persist after I moved his hand but I wondered if the action itself means that or is it just something some people like?

@Imin2minds Pornography tends to be all about images of male domination over women. I would say he is getting these ideas from pornography he is watching which is giving him funny ideas about what excites a woman in bed. As that is what excites him wanting to be dominant and reinacting what he has seen. Some might like that, but just have the confidence to tell him what you like and don't like if you feel uncomfortable.

1min2minds I think the hair pulling is fairly common, but if you don’t like it then make it clear. The throat thing not so much and i’d be concerned he was working up to something else.

Miss Lingua has just left from food/film/sleepover. There isn't much to report. All went well, apart from a couple of comments about how cluttered my place is, which kind of needled me a bit.

@Imin2minds I would say it is normal-ish unless he doesn't respect your wishes. If he tries it again, I would quietly (but unequivocally) state that you don't want him to to do that. If he is a decent guy, he will respect it and not be offended. I would be wary of continuing, if he either doesn't respect it or becomes offended when you ask him not to.

@Imin2minds just delurking to say that an ex of mine did this (although more throat pressure) the first time that we had sex. I liked it and was excited by him, it didn’t freak me out at the time, although in retrospect it was a red flag for that particular guy. I actually do enjoy a bit of throat pressure now and have explored different stuff (that was my first relationship after my marriage ended) but I would discuss it with partners or put their hands there myself. I have been with a couple of people since who’ve done it without asking and they’ve not been very respectful in other ways afterwards. Hope you are okay.

Inmin2minds I dated someone last year like this, he put his hands around my throat the first time we DTD and I was so shocked I didn’t know how to react. I don’t see my self as vanilla (have done most things) but no one had ever put there hands around my throat before and it kind of scared me. I did pull him up on it a few days later, he did watch a lot of porn and assumed women like it, I told him that it wasn’t the point, he should have asked before doing it as not all women may like it especially those that have been in a violent relationship in the last. I do believe many men are ruined by porn, they actually believe that that is how sex should be . I’m fine with a bit of hair pulling but strangling is a no no.

@Lovemusic33 I would agree with you that porn ruins many men, I stopped watching it about two years ago as it encourages seeing a woman purely as a tool for a mans pleasure. Nowhere in porn do you see discussions about what you both like or might want to try, its simply about a man meeting strangers and doing what he wants.

Thanks everyone. God I’m so glad of mn!!

He placed his hand there and looked at me to see my reaction. I just brushed it away. I honestly didn’t feel afraid or worried he would hurt me.

I’m inclined to agree with posters saying he thinks women like it and that that’s what he should do. The thing is he’s so much bigger than me that he is quite physically dominating anyway and that in itself is attractive to me.

Hmm. I think sex with a new partner always starts with “getting to know” various things and working out if you’re compatible.