Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

DaffoDeffo I think he would prefer to go out with his 21 year old mates (he's 32) than see his son in all honesty. There's no court order in place. It's the fact he just picks and chooses. So he'll message tomorrow, no apologies, and then say he'll see him Tuesday. It's gotten to the point where I don't tell our son when he's seeing him as I can't deal with the disappointment and making up excuses for why he didn't turn up 🤷. I'm at the end of my tether...

His sister has tried speaking to him and he says he'll try harder to turn up when he's supposed to. But Friday comes round and it's the same.

So had my date with me miller yesterday, was a lovely afternoon/evening. Seeing him again Wednesday for dinner then we are going out on Friday 😊😊

@richdeniro

Lots of people do it, it can at the time give people an almost rational reason for what happened. You really do have to just think fuck it and move on.

IsAMiracle my ex is similar, he can’t be bothered with our dc, he has them for a few hours on a Sunday but won’t have them overnight or during school holidays, when he does have them he doesn’t do much with them. It doesn’t give me much free time and it means I can’t have a night away.

peanuts and music you could be right. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he might just be trying to fill ever pause as an awkward silence. I did suggest we go to the cinema next time so at least then he’ll be quiet.
He usually texts every morning and evening, yesterday he was at a wedding and I didn’t hear from him all day so I messaged him around 9pm and still nothing. He posted something on Facebook at 5am, whether that was bedtime or getting up time i’m not sure. Perhaps he thought I’d be asleep and didn’t want to text me or perhaps he hasn’t given me another thought. Who knows. I just don’t want another bloke who when he’s with his mates can’t even find the time to send a quick text.

Thanks @Ant330

@richdeniro I agree with others, def block on all SM. Those that have been with a narcissist often struggle to move on (for a bit) as their control and manipulation often leaves you constantly questioning what you did wrong and was it you. Due to how they made you feel during the relationship and their lack of empathy after.

I don't believe a narcissist can change unless they seek therapy. It's not something half them even know they are doing as it's programmed from something deep inside (not making excuses)

I've found the best thing I can do, is block on everything. Delete all numbers everything you had that reminds you. Drastic but required.

As for social media posts, you only ever see what people want you to see. Nobody posts a picture of the arguments/tears/zero bank balance.

Oops that was longer than I thought. Perhaps I need to hold back on the over analysing

Just read that @DaffoDeffo and I love what you said. It's a great way to look at it. Any other advice like that, please share. ESP for trying to get over when all you think of what if I hadn't said anything... blah blah.

@AtSea1979 I spot a change in behaviour really well (sometimes too well) ESP via texting. Every time I've seen the shift (from a pattern of texting, to shortness, to hardly texting) I've tried to justify it. Within a week/days I've been proven that I was right and something was happening. IE moved on, not caring etc.

It takes 2 secs to reply and if the person would always reply before then for me it tells me something has changed at their end.

lifegoes glad you messaged the ex, you really don't need her making you feel worse.

itsamiracle lovemusic another one with an ex who seems disinterested in the children. He makes more of an effort than your exes but isn't really engaged with them. Morally he knows he has a responsibility but he seems dead emotionally. I thought things had improved so I left him looking after them for two hours yesterday and came back to find both children upset (screaming/ crying) and one saying they hated him and wished he was dead. She refuses to see a counsellor so I need to find one for me to learn how to help her deal with the anger. I thought things were better but seeing my child distressed like that was like being hit by a bus.

@StealthNinjaMum yeah I'm pleased the lovely ladies on here made me see it was for the best. I felt I was getting invested in her life and I really didn't want to be

AtSea sounds like he’s not putting much effort in. One of my irons Mr No Hair is like this too, it’s kind of turned into ‘him wanting someone to fit around him’ and I really can’t be doing with that, texting has changed since we dtd, probably mainly due to me as I’m not that interested in a FWB thing which is obviously what he seems to want as he doesn’t really give a toss about what I’m up too or how I’m feeling, just wants to pop over for a coffee (shag) when it suits him, he has hardly asked me anything about me but has talked about himself, I need to ditch him this week.

lifegoes it's hard not to get invested. I have never met you, I have never met her but I cannot comprehend how fucked up the situation must be when a teenager (she must've been 18 or 19?) is groomed by a guy in his mid 40s who is clearly some kind of narcissist. Where is her support network? Anyway having said that you did the right thing to remove yourself from the situation.

Stealth we went to a family party yesterday (ex’s family), my dc’s didn’t interact with their dad at all and he hardly made the effort to speak to them (tried to speak to dd1 to show her something on his phone), he never hugs them or complements them. Dd1 is now at a age where she can see how uncaring her dad is . It’s sad but it reminds me why I left him.

@StealthNinjaMum I absolutely agree, I felt so sorry for her and she kept asking me for advice. She seems heartbroken that he "apparently" hasn't made any contact with her still. Which if true seems to tell even more about him.

But I had to pull away.

It's vile isn't it?! I think it also proves how much of a manipulative person he is, to have the ability to groom young women

lovemusic that's so sad, I think we will be in the same situation soon. I want my children to have a healthy relationship with their dad but I don't know to what extent I should push it and encourage them to spend time together. I don't know if giving her the space she wants from him now will help to foster a better relationship in the long run or make her feel even more neglected by him.

@lifegoes from my experience, people who want to stay in touch with the other woman are just trying to get more info out of you because they want to still have a way in with the man. This happened with me and my exes new gf as he was seeing her and someone else. It wasn't adding any value and in addition, I don't think she was as innocent and helpless as she seemed. Keep your wits about you....she was with him for three years and may not be that naive just because she is young

@Eesha I have to agree, there was part of me starting to think that things she was saying didn't add up. She wasn't upset, she said she had found things on his iPad previously. She said he'd had sex with me and then gone hone and had sex with her 😷 yet she wasn't upset.

The fact he hadn't been touch at all! I just didn't believe. I was starting to feel it was more a way to keep an eye on me.

itsamiracle and others with disinterested exes, I really feel for you. What a sad situation for your dcs and extra kudos from me to you all for keeping it together for them x

itsamiracle I would speak to his sister again. Is she nearby and would she be involved do you think? I would be tempted to say 'I'm dropping him off at your place exh at X time and picking him up at Y time' but I imagine the chances are he might not be there. And also if he's pissed or hungover it may not be a safe environment for ds. Would his sister facilitate having ds on her brother's behalf?

Do you think it might be him using her insta lifegoes. I felt paranoid about my ex’s other woman and was worried they were laughing at me together. But it became clear quite quickly she was as hurt as me. Neither of us wanted him back once we had found out but we had questions as it had been going on for YEARS. I think we both felt stupid and there was a weird comfort to think we weren’t on our own. If she’d have taken him back or seemed unmoved I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to her.

My kids don’t see their dad and over the years I have initiated contact. It has always ended up with my kids being more hurt as he withdraws again. I think if the door is open and she knows that then the rest is up to him.

@Notcoolmum no I don't think it is, as I know he way he texts. Plus she sent photos and screenshots of the texts. She would ask me questions and really slate him about the way he had treated her. But you never know do you.

I'm still a bit flummoxed how a fake profile found out about us, she said she figured out who it was (a mutual friend between them, a wife of a friend of his) but I still don't get why they wouldn't message me. It makes no sense. But I need to stop thinking about it. I won't get the answers I crave nor the apology or explanation. So it is, what it is.

Yes they both sound odd and best to be avoided lifegoes. I don’t get the anonymous thing at all. Best left alone. Any new irons?

@Notcoolmum no nothing, I'm swiping and matching but as soon as they start messaging me, my heart is just not in it. I hate general chit chat

lifegoes I just want to say again what a lucky escape you have had. I also hate the inane chit chat so I am having a rest from it all!

I feel like that's the story of my life tbh @Marlboroandmalbec34 it's really making me depressed.
I think I need a rest from it all and just focus on me for a bit.