Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

Right I've just sent this and unfollowed "Right love I’m going to let you heal now and wish you the best with whatever you decide to do. I’m still quite hurt myself over the weeks of lies and promises that he wasn’t like my ex who broke me. And it’s just starting to hit me. I need to forget him and move on. I really hope you understand xxxx"

@ItsAMiracle2015 I could be round the corner for all you know 😉

Thank you @shitwithsugaron you are so right. It's not helping at all, I've felt terrible that she's gone through this and had hatred but not processed what he's done to me. I can't do that whilst I'm still in contact with her.

Perfect message! 👍. She will likely stay with him. She's young and I do feel for him. But for your own wellbeing you can't be her emotional support.

I'm Sussex way but most of you are London way I think.

*her!!

She replied with "Thank you so much for messaging me and being so kind and understanding about everything. I really do believe these things happen for a reason and it will only make us stronger for it! You will find someone miles better as you are worth so much more. I hope you can forget about him and move on to better things! All the best 💗💗 Xxx"

I'm miles away @ItsAMiracle2015 😂😂😂

Oh I'm so pleased you sent the message! And it was a much nicer message than mine would've been 🙈😂. Mine would've been 'not my circus, not my monkeys' 🤷. Give yourself a break, you've been through something shitty. Be selfish and think about you.

@ItsAMiracle2015 I fee a sense of relief if I'm honest. I feel like I don't need to keep helping her and hearing all he stuff he didn't do for her 😂.

I practically said at when she first messaged I was all if it's your man, speak to him not me. Not my playground

Had date number 3 tonight. Went well, he’s didn’t say anything weird or random. Though did keep telling me he really liked me, wasn’t sure why he kept repeating it. First time I replied I like you too. He doesn’t really ask much about me and somehow he seems to monopolise the conversation, mainly about his work that’s hes clearly passionate about but I am not. How do I encourage him to take more of an interest in me?!
Just going to catch up with thread now

No mrdrummer I didn’t join the FB group and it doesn’t sound like I have missed out. I was going on what lifegoes said about other women posting about him. And well done LG on getting rid of his GF. When my ex partner’s other GF contacted me over FB she wanted to meet me. I wasn’t comfortable with this but did get a lot out of chatting to her on FB for a while. We both understood how the other felt. Bit after a while contact with her felt odd.

lifegoes well done for cutting off contact; you're not going to get any closure or response from him so chalk it up to experience, forget and move on.

@ItsAMiracle2015 lifegoes You're talk about narcissists has been so interesting to follow. I have always wondered if my ex was a narcissist and in some ways it's the reason I have been stuck in the limbo I have been over the last year, I know I've posted about my ex ad nauseam on MN for around a year now (it's how I found the forum) but I have always wondered.

I have tried to reconcile the whole relationship by looking at the way she treated me and all the awful things she did whilst we were together and passing her off as having a cluster b type personality, etc but the last few weeks since seeing a photo of her looking blissfully happy with some other guy, am I just a loser who lost out on a gal because she found someone else and me not being able to move on. I mean was it just a case of her fancying someone else more than me and did I just fall into the trap of falling for someone who just wasn't into me?

All I hear nowdays is how someone got treated badly and how their ex is a narcissist. Have I just fallen into that trap of trying to trying to find a reason to hate her and just push her into that bracket with all the blame because it makes me feel better about myself?

I know I deserved better than the way this woman treated me but was it just a case of her being on the rebound and her not knowing what she really wanted rather than just being a histrionic/narcissistic person?

There was a whole heap of things she did that lacked empathy when she was with me such as message other men in my presence, etc but was it just a case of her being in a bad place rather than being a narcissist?

Messaging other men in your presence. Wow. That’s really low rich. Remember social media isn’t a real reflection of people’s lives. Just because she looks blissfully happy on her profile pic doesn’t mean it’s the reality.

My ex partner cheated on me in a really awful way. The lack of empathy he had for me and my young children was sociopathic. He’s now married with a child of his own. And her profile pics are always of the 3 of them looking happy. I used to wonder why her and not me. But I honestly can’t believe a leopard changes his spots and that a man who was capable of the things he was can suddenly switch that off and be a normal family man. There will be things beneath the surface I’m sure.

Can you block her on SM then you aren’t able to torture yourself with the image she wants to portray of herself?

@richdeniro it's not so much the doing shitty things it's their response to it after they've been caught. People make mistakes, but most people know they've made a mistake and feel remorse and empathy for hurting the other person. A narcissist doesn't. At all. They will twist it around so it's your fault they did it in the first place. My ex never once apologised for ANYTHING he did. By the end my self worth was so low, I believed it was my fault.

And I agree with Notcoolmum. They can't suddenly become a good person. It will always be there. Whether it comes to light now or in years to come, it will come out.

I agree to blocking on social media too. It's too easy in low points to just 'have a look' but no good comes from it.

rich I do understand why you think this. I am sometimes incredibly surprised when I hear what exh is up to - he does all sorts of lovely things with his partner that he would never do with me (I divorced him though!).

What you have to remember is you are only responsible for your feelings and your reactions to other people. I did some communications thing through work and it taught me something really important. I used to say to exh 'you make me feel sad/shit etc' and what it taught me is that by saying that to someone, you immediately put them on the defensive but also you aren't taking responsibility for your own feelings. You felt shit with your ex because she did things that made you feel awful like texting other men in front of you. If you were in a good place, you would have broken up with her because she was hurting you in an unacceptable way.

Does it matter if she behaves this way with other people? It shouldn't! The fact of the matter is the dynamic between you and her did not work FOR YOU. It was not a healthy relationship and you are better off out of it. I actually hope my exh is happy because I know we did not make each other happy, for whatever reason. I'm not going to try and label him or me but I know it did not work together. I think you have to try and decide in your head what a healthy relationship looks like for you because with that vision, you might be able to see you did not have one with your ex.

@richdeniro I sometimes think that the need to put labels on things is some sort of desire to absolve people of blame ie it wasn't my/their fault it was the boogy monster called narcissism.

If your ex treated you like crap, then that's on her not you. If she really has found a happy relationship with someone else then that makes her all the worse, it means she deliberately abused you and it wasn't just the big bad narcissism doing it.

Hey gang
Just catching up. Took the weekend off to get some stuff sorted.
I cancelled my date with Mr Tall. He got super clingy. Constantly asking who I was talking to online and he mentioned marriage!!
Mr Tats and Mr TriBead have both been in contact a bit over the weekend but neither of them seem massively interesting ☹️
I am away with work next week and then have 2 hols back to back so I am giving it all a rest as I have no time to date.
Mr Big has offered to come to the wedding I was dreading as my date. I told him that would be great but honestly I am taking it with a pinch of salt and defo keeping my distance and not initiating the convos anymore.

DaffoDeffo that's really helpful. On that note, could I ask for some advice? My ex has missed 3 weekends in a row having our son. Normally I would lose my shit but clearly that's not achieving anything. What would your advice be for when he does get in contact (likely tomorrow after he's spent the weekend getting pissed)?

@rich I agree that it’s temlting to want to put a la else on something/someone to try and understand how someone you loved could hurt you the way they did but I think sometimes people are shitty and do shitty things.
My ex husband had an affair and up until 2 weeks before I found out, I have no idea and me and everyone else thought we’d be together forever. He’s still with the ow, who is on her 20’s (he is early 40’s) and it kills me that my kids spend time with her but don’t know who she really is.
I try not to give them too much brain space though as they are not having any more of my life...it’s mine now.

*tempting to want to put a label

Atsea I have dated men that only talk about themselves, it gets a bit annoying doesn’t it? I don’t think they can change and after a while you just get bored.

@AtSea1979 he sounds like a bore.

@richdeniro does it rally matter? Either way she treated you like shit and you need to forget her and move on.

@richdeniro i also agree with people wanting to put a label on things to help them comprehend things when others treat them badly. I personally think if someone treats you badly, they are just a nasty person who isn't self aware, and you deserve better. Those i know who have labelled others, still seem very caught up in it all whereas those who just accept and move on, do exactly that. It's early and I'm probably not making much sense but essentially this woman didn't care enough to treat you with respect, so you should just look out for someone who will.

itsamiracle do you think he's deliberately missing time with your son because he's on the piss? Is there a court order for contact?

And what is he likely to say when he contacts you - will he be sorry do you think?

Stuff with children is horrendous. It's your son who is missing out here. Clearly you are too and that isn't fair but ultimately, you cannot make a man have a relationship with his child if he doesn't want to. If he has an alcohol problem that is slightly different. If he is on the piss with his mates, then that's pretty unforgivable.

Has he got other family that can be involved?