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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:
Reaah · 19/04/2019 12:39

Are you still in a relationship with the father?

Donutt · 19/04/2019 12:43

Get very far away from this man, but he doesn't get to say choose whether he is the father or not! You cannot agree to not name him.

Flockingflamingo · 19/04/2019 12:44

What's the backstory? Are you having an affair?

Thelovecats85 · 19/04/2019 12:44

Is the father married?

I'd keep they baby, and tell baby and everyone that dad is a dickhead and doesn't want to be part of his/her life. I'd also make sure the dad pays his full csa and if he tries not to you can always threaten to out him.

Neolara · 19/04/2019 12:45

He is being a complete knob. If he's the father, of course you don't have to hide this fact from everyone. He's behaving like a 5 year old sticking his fingers in his ears - if he can't hear you, it's not real. But the baby is his, he's (presumably) a grown up and he'll just have to learn to deal with reality. He will probably be very cross if you don't do as he says, but you and your baby deserve that he faces up to the consequences of his actions.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 19/04/2019 12:45

My ex’s mum wouldn’t tell him who his dad was. It effected him immensely, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Please don’t lie to your own child for the convenience of a very poor excuse for a man.

Oldstyle · 19/04/2019 12:46

If you have the baby then they have a right to know who their father is - for moral reasons, future health reasons, and if you want him to contribute financially at any point. The child's rights are greater than the father's right to deny reality. Don't think there's any argument here. He's being extraordinarily self-centred.

DantesInferno · 19/04/2019 12:48

He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.

Why?
Why is it for the best? For who?
And why cant you name him as the father? is he married? famous?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/04/2019 12:48

I assume the father is married? You can say you know who the father is, that he is paying child support but otherwise does not want to be involved, and that his identity is no one's business but yours and your child's. Child will be told when appropriate.

Drum2018 · 19/04/2019 12:49

The father should not have had sex if he was so insistent on not being a father. How dare he try to pressure you into having an abortion. It's up to you whether you want to tell people the truth about him. He doesn't get to make that decision for you. If you decide not to tell people then you don't have to. It's nobody's business. Down the line I wouldn't hide the truth from your child. A simple DNA test can link relatives nowadays and makes it easier to pinpoint biological parents. Don't be intimidated by this man.

Original poster
Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:49

Yes we have been having an affair.

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 19/04/2019 12:50

I would keep the baby, tell the blokes wife and he own up.

Why the fuck should you lie about your child's father!

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 12:51

🌷

Ignore him.

You want your baby, it’s your body, your decision.

I wouldn’t name him on the BC. I’d just tell everyone else that he doesn’t want to be involved.

Then get on with your life & your beautiful baby. When your baby is old enough to ask you can tell them in an age appropriate way about their father.

Tell him to leave you alone or you will report him for harrassment.

DantesInferno · 19/04/2019 12:51

DO. NOT. LIE. TO. YOUR. CHILD.

Flockingflamingo · 19/04/2019 12:51

So presumably he wont pay anything towards his child as he wony want his wife to know?

Hes a dick, it's a shit situation but dont make things easy for him.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/04/2019 12:52

A man who'd have his own child aborted at 22+weeks because he'd be embarrassed otherwise would not be in my or the child's life ever.

Wheresmyvagina · 19/04/2019 12:52

It's completely unfair on the child to do this.
Presumably you'll both face disapproval of the affair but you have a baby coming so time for you both to suck it up.

Aimily · 19/04/2019 12:54

Could you put him on the birth certificate but if anyone asks just say he isn't someone you want around your baby? When DC starts asking tell them they are loved and don't need a father?
I don't envy your situation but I hope you find the strength to do what's best for you and lo.

blackcat86 · 19/04/2019 12:54

Keep the baby OP. I cant imagine aborting that late without a very good reason. Tell him you wont put him on the birth certificate (which would be sensible anyway) but that you will not lie for him any longer. The welfare of this baby is the most important thing and as an adult he will need to get his shit together. If decides not to be in the child's life then fine but he will still need to pay maintenance

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 12:55

It was obvious you (well HE at least) were having an affair.

It doesn’t make it any less your baby, your body, your decision.

I hope you have stopped seeing this twat for your OWN sake. He doesn’t care about you. Maybe that was never part of the deal anyway, but I wouldn’t even be having casual sex with some who thought they could bully me into a termination.

Windygate · 19/04/2019 12:56

You are going to be bringing this child up on your own. Give the child your surname, you won't be able to add the father's details if he isn't present. Once the baby is here go through CMS for child maintenance.
Don't lie to people especially not the registrar. If other people ask you can either name him or just say it's a private matter. When your child is old enough to ask please tell the truth to them in an age appropriate way.
How he explains things to his wife is his problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2019 12:56

Why are you pandering to this horrible man? He's the father, DO NOT lie about it. Inform him this is what facing the consequences looks like. He had better get used to it.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2019 12:59

Keep your baby.

Presume you'd need him with you to put his name down on the birth cert as you're unmarried..

Surely people have already asked about the Dad? Just tell thfm he isn't the man you thought he was and doesn't want to know.

Tell him wife the truth.

Tell your child the truth when they're older.

picklemepopcorn · 19/04/2019 13:00

Stop seeing him.
Don't put his name on the birth certificate.
Tell people the father doesn't want to be involved.
Make sure he pays maintenance.
Tell your child when they are older that his sperm donor didn't want to be involved but that you know who he is and where to find him, if it's ever necessary.

PatchworkElmer · 19/04/2019 13:00

Make sure he pays you maintenance. Tbh if he agrees, I’d be tempted to just tell people that the father doesn’t want to be involved. And I wonder if, long-term, it would be worth seeking advice on how to explain this to the baby? I think there’s a danger of them either imagining a fairytale, or having low self esteem.