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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 19/04/2019 18:24

AuntieStella the baby would not gave a relationship with half siblings in this case because the father doesn't want anything to do with the baby.

CupcakeDrama · 19/04/2019 18:25

I am amazed at how many people seem to think that you can put a man's name on a birth certificate if you are not married!

me too! its shocking really that people think you can name a man without him being there (if you arent married)

Aimily · 19/04/2019 18:54

I think those of us outing ourselves as not knowing the man has to be there if unmarried either were married when they had their first/ father was with them to register anyway or (in my case) expecting their first but not looked into the whole registration side of babies yet...
I know in the eyes of the law naivety isnt an excuse, but in this situation I think its a fair thing to not know, and admitting it isn't wrong!!

CupcakeDrama · 19/04/2019 18:57

Its common sense surely? you cant just go around naming whoever you fancy on the birth certificate. And I WAS with my childrens father when I registered my daughter 8 years ago, But I guess common sense isnt common 🤷‍♀️

Aimily · 19/04/2019 19:01

@cupcake fair on saying it should be common sense but if it isn't something you have EVER had to consider, why should you be expected to know?

MumUnderTheMoon · 19/04/2019 19:18

You have less than two weeks to make a decision about an abortion but it sounds like you don't want that so do not allow him to pressure you. Stop seeing this man he clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart. You could simply tell people that you would rather not discuss the father but if you have to claim any benefits you will be asked to. Have you considered adoption? There are many people who would be more than delighted to give your child a happy home if you don't want to raise them in this situation. Why not get in touch with your local Brook clinic or contact Family Planning Agency? To go through all your options.

pusspuss9 · 19/04/2019 19:18

'So it's her fault? He's the one who is cheating on his GF and DC. not the OP.'

The op also has her part to play here as well. She knew he had a partner and also a child but still went ahead.

crispysausagerolls · 19/04/2019 19:19

Now you choose. Keep the baby, say to people you don’t wish to name the father

Why should she?! I would keep the baby and tell people who the father is if they asked. Why should you lie? Why should your child feel ashamed or that their ancestry is something to be ashamed of?

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 19:21

I wouldn’t tell people because I would rather he stayed out of the baby’s life and he’s more likely to do that if he’s not known as the father.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 19:23

You could simply tell people that you would rather not discuss the father but if you have to claim any benefits you will be asked to

It doesn’t mean she has to tell them.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/04/2019 19:24

Just say it's no one's business but yours and the baby's. It isn't.

TheGodmother · 19/04/2019 19:34

I am amazed at how many people seem to think that you can put a man's name on a birth certificate if you are not married!

And I'm always amazed that you can just register a kid without the father being there, when you're married! What if he's been overseas for 2 years! How can it be his?

Do you can to show id when you register, I can't remember. Can anyone rock up and pretend to be Mr ABC?

Sorry I'll go back in my box now!

NicksWife08 · 19/04/2019 19:37

Op, you aren't the first or the last person to be in this situation. You can explain to your child at some point in the future and forget everyone else's judgement, no body is perfect.

My own nan was in your position but 80 years ago, her baby was my dad and he grew up without his dad, he just knew his name. He never got to meet him.
He did miss not having a dad but he grew up to be a great man and a great dad to his children. The judgements back then were a lot worse than they are now and I'm obviously so grateful that my nan stuck two fingers up to the world and got on with raising her son, my dad.

EllenRipley · 19/04/2019 19:42

I haven't read the whole thread so this might be redundant but f*cking he'll OP - you're 22weeks pregnant and he has the audacity to bully you into a termination?? He sounds like a sociopath, to say the least. I'm pro -choice but I hope you're not even considering this. Stay away from him. Look after yourself and your child. You've got plenty of time to decide how you explain his/her father. Don't let him influence any of your decisions.

SinkGirl · 19/04/2019 19:46

OP, I’m sending you huge hugs and Flowers

Please ignore the abuse - I’m sure you would do things differently if you could go back, but you can’t.

Absolutely do not have a late stage abortion because he wants one. I can’t even imagine the psychological toll delivering a potentially viable baby would cause in these circumstances. Of course whatever happens is harder for you than for him, what a selfish piece of shit.

One of my close friends has a beautiful DD she has raised alone while setting up her own business. I have no idea who the father is. All I know is he didn’t want to be involved and that’s fine. Most people won’t press the issue.

If it were me, I’d contact him and tell him that you’re having the baby, you won’t be spreading his name around but if people ask you’re not going to lie, and you will be telling the child. You will be seeking maintenance once the child is born and if he wants to minimise the hurt to his gf he should probably tell her sooner rather than later before the CMS come calling.

Thatnovembernight · 19/04/2019 20:04

His attitude is disgusting.

I agree with SinkGirl that if it were me I wouldn’t keep his identity a secret but I wouldn’t make a big deal of broadcasting it either. I would 100% be applying for maintenance; your baby deserves everything possible, particularly as it’s father isn’t likely to be there physically or emotionally.

YouBumder · 19/04/2019 20:28

Yeah, good luck to him if he thinks this could ever be enforced even if you did agree not to name him.

Cheekyfeckery · 19/04/2019 20:30

He’s shitting himself. His world is about to implode, he’s panicking. I can understand this, and that he is absolutely desperate I imagine. Which is why you absolutely cannot allow him to influence your decisions.

What he needs to do is own up, tell his gf.

But that’s his problem, not yours.

Leave him to it. It’s not your concern. Your concern is moving forward with your life.

Your priority is you and your baby. You need to be looking after you, putting things in place, and gathering your support network.

SlappingJoffrey · 19/04/2019 20:34

And I'm always amazed that you can just register a kid without the father being there, when you're married! What if he's been overseas for 2 years! How can it be his?

Well the point with that is that you (in theory) know what you're getting when you get married. It's one of the legal effects of marriage in this country. It's different to a mother being able to name any man with whom she doesn't have a pre-existing contract! I think if a woman has a baby by a man who's not her husband, the husband can get a court order preventing her from naming him.

And married dads can register the baby without the mother being there too. DH did for one of ours, I was still dog rough and couldn't be arsed schlepping into town for an experience I'd already had.

YouBumder · 19/04/2019 20:38

And I'm always amazed that you can just register a kid without the father being there, when you're married! What if he's been overseas for 2 years! How can it be his?

There’s a presumption in law that the husband of a child’s mother is the father.

JoinTheMicrodots · 19/04/2019 20:45

Incidentally, not naming the father on the birth certificate doesn’t mean that he won’t be named on it in future. My DD’s father didn’t want to be on it and didn’t come with me (so wasn’t), but decided 5 years later that he wanted to be, and all we had to do was apply for it to be amended. He threatened me with legal action if I didn’t cooperate with doing so, and on looking at my rights at the time, a court would have ruled in his favour (to give him parental responsibility) unless there were some pretty overwhelming reasons why not.

Cheekyfeckery · 19/04/2019 20:53

I didn’t put DS’s dad on his at the time, but we did do it later.

Valanice1989 · 19/04/2019 21:08

I find it so bizarre that, in 2019, people seem to think it's some kind of punishment to suggest someone take an STI test. It really isn't. It's sensible. STIs don't think, "Oh, I don't want to slut-shame this person, so I'm not going to infect them even though they haven't used a condom!"

SlappingJoffrey · 19/04/2019 21:20

Precisely.

STI tests aren't wrong or dirty or shameful. They're healthcare.

nolongersurprised · 20/04/2019 00:03

“I personally know of two babies born before 23 weeks who survived and have grown into lovely little people.”

Unless this poster lives in Japan this is bullshit.

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