Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

[Confusedmum2b]

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

nolongersurprised - "The study, published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine, examined the care of some 5,000 babies born between 22 and 27 weeks at 24 hospitals supported by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. The findings show that infants born at 22 weeks who didn't receive any medical treatments died. Meanwhile, 18 of the 78 babies who received treatments survived. Though six of them had major issues like blindness, deafness and cerebral palsy, seven were free of moderate or severe health issues by the time they were young toddlers. The picture was brighter for babies who made it to 23 weeks gestation. Doctors treated 542 of the 755 preemies, and roughly half of the ones who lived went on to have no major health issues, according to the study."
www.parents.com/baby/all-about-babies/good-news-for-preemies-born-at-22-weeks/

This one was born at 21 weeks and 4 days.
edition.cnn.com/2017/11/08/health/premature-baby-21-weeks-survivor-profile/index.html

And "One of Britain's most premature babies has defied the odds after surviving being born at just 22 weeks weighing 1lb 4oz."
www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4595916/Meet-miracle-baby-boy-born-22-WEEKS.html

You’re still talking shit luna. From that study, there were 5.1% of 22 week gestation babies who survived over 24 major neonatal hospitals in the US. A decent proportion weren’t offered resuscitation because they were too poorly at birth.

Of those 18 babies you know 2 of them??

Your agenda is showing.

@nolongersurprised I wasn't the one who said I knew 2 of them. That was someone else. I simply did a google search because I thought I heard of someone surviving at 22 weeks. Since there is 18 of them at 22 weeks, it is not out of the question that the poster does know two of them. It is a small world after all, for all we know, that poster may be an obstetrician or something.

I have no agenda at all. There is no need for you to be so hostile with me. I simply provided links. That's all.

No contraceptive is 100% effective. Women who have not had an unplanned pregnancy despite having lots of PIV sex are either not particularly fertile or they have just been lucky so far
Bullshit.
Used properly, the pill is the MOST effective. 99% or close enough.
Contraception when used properly is usually enough. The pill plus a condom for protection gainst STIs and I'm pretty sure one would be fine. I was very fertile and always fell pregnant when I wanted to. My problem was staying pregnant but that's beside the point other than I have been pregnant a LOT. I knew how not to be as well. There are very few true 'accidents'. I know it happens but it's mostly user error or willful.

There are a LOT of 'accidents' or 'unplanned' pregnancies that are far from it. BUT when it doesn't have the effect one wants, it really HAS to be an 'accident' doesn't it? If he doesn't leave her, or he doesn't stay, etc. The pregnant after 5 mins together. I can see why one wouldn't own it, I really can but it's really not fair or accurate to tell women that if they've never had an unplanned pregnancy there could be something wrong. That's just fucked!

Sorry for misidentifying you, luna

But - why not just post the original medical article? Your sanitised parent-friendly version infers that if 22/40 babies are offered resuscitation then they do quite well 18/78. Was that your bold?

It’s highly disingenuous (one could even argue misleading) to post that and not discuss the selection bias. The 22/40 who were born in good condition were more likely to be offered resuscitation.

If it is 99% effective that means that for every 100 couples using the pill as contraception today 1 could get pregnant. Given how much sex probably happened today chances are some resulted in pregnancy. 99% sounds great but from a metric standpoint that still leaves a lot of unplanned pregnancies.

99% sounds great but from a metric standpoint that still leaves a lot of unplanned pregnancies

And they are all on MN

Op,

This is going to sound harsh, but I suspect you already know...

You were a bit of fun for this man. Nothing more. He never had intentions of leaving his family for you. He used you.

He now has an issue...his indiscretions are about to become public and this risks his family life as he knows it. At this point he wants the problem to disappear...that’s you and your baby.

If you keep the baby, he will resent you. Resent the child. Possibly abandon you both in favour of trying to win back his

If you abort the baby, he will run like the wind and never look back. You will be left to grieve alone. He will not hurt, trust me. It will be a relief for him.

You are both equally responsible for the position you are in. He cheated on his gf, which he clearly regrets now. You chose to sleep with a man who treated another woman like this. He is utterly despicable and you haven’t behaved that much better.

You will never have the option of putting on social media who the dad is and feeling happy and proud about the impending birth in that regards. So, what difference does it make if he asks not to be named? It’s either ‘I don’t want to say who the dad is because we are no longer together’ or ‘the dad is this guy...who already has a gf and child’. Neither sound that appealing to me. But those are the consequences of both of your actions.

So what to do? Well, I don’t think this low life of a ‘man’ should get away with what he has done, so if you want that baby, then you keep that baby and cherish it enough for both of you. Love it. Explain the truth regarding his or her father when the time comes. They will understand there was nothing else you could do. Claim financial support from the CSA; he will have to admit the situation to his gf and deal with those consequences too.
Don’t worry about putting his name on a birth certificate. He’s not going to be in your lives anyway, he’s making that plain for you.
Move on from him and look after you and the baby... and in future, choose a partner who is available and who is not a liar or a cheat and save yourself and any future children the same unnecessary heartache.

One of my Dd's school friends was born at 24 weeks. He wants you to kill a baby

Assuming you continue the pregnancy, he has to be named to establish financial support. Your child is entitled to that money. Your child is also entitled to an age appropriate version of the truth.

@Confusedmum2b

we had an affair and this is the consequence of that. I’m prepared to take what will come, his main concern is not seeing his existing child daily & what people will think of him.
He also says that i’m forcing him into a situation he doesn’t want to be in, I don’t remember forcing him into bed.

It definitely takes more than one person to make a baby and, given his situation he really should have thought of the possibility of pregnancy before so, like you are preparing to do, he needs to step up and stop trying to push you into an abortion for his convenience.

As you sound as if you want to keep your baby, I would definitely not lie for him - although I'd maybe keep the paternity private apart from a few close people you trust - including your child when he/she needs to know. It's really nobody's business who the father is - but tell who want to.

I would also a) apply for child maintenance through CMS as soon as practicable because he IS 50% responsible for this new life and needs to provide financial support, b) NOT put his name in the birth certificate and c) give the child YOUR surname on the birth certificate - for your sake and the child's - not your cowardly Ex.

Good luck OP. 🌷

He doesn't have to be named to establish financial support. He does if OP were to go through CMS, but there's nothing to prevent a private arrangement being made between the two of them.

happynow if he is pressuring her to get an abortion I get the feeling that when the child is born he won't be going with her to register the birth which is the ONLY way he can be named on the birth certificate.

@TheiriginalLEM Presumably the father hasn't just decided at 22 weeks he doesn't want the baby 🙄 he's felt like this all along. Terminating an unwanted pregnancy is not 'killing a baby ffs' although we all on this thread accept that's its too late now for that.

Oh op.
What a fucking mess.
I fell pregnant whilst using contraception, it was a different situation to yours (but not clean and tidy married, house etc) But when I found out I had to take the dad out the equation and decide if I wanted the baby or an abortion, as either way it’s me living with the consequences. I didn’t want an abortion, I knew I couldn’t so wanted the baby.
You have to do the same, in your heart of hearts it sounds like you to want your baby. Not to mention the fact I’d think you’d struggle to get one now.
He’s put his cards on the table, in more ways than one. You know he’s a bully, you know he’s a spineless prick, you know his only concern is his covering his arse. He has no concern for you or the baby.
So you know your on your own and in a way knowing that from the off is easier than being let down. I think the pp who said “he didn’t want to know” is the thing you should say. It’s honest without the additional unnecessary information.
But yes you should claim child maintenance, it’s the least this prick can do. His choice ended when he decided to sleep with you AND not wear a condom.

Ignore this man completely and do what’s right for you and your baby.

Tell everyone else that the dad let you down and you are raising baby alone.

Tell your child the truth.

Do not under any circumstances let him come with you to register the birth or give baby his name. Whatever he Promises you, do NOT DO IT.

Tell your ex that he needs to pay child support at a rate well over the legal minimum or you will make a CSA claim.

@Hollowvictory and that makes it ok does it?

I stand by my comment, that child is viable.

The op doesn't want to terminate. What's your point?

Do not lie for this man. He is the father, and he needs to pay for his child, and the child has a right to know who their father is. His other relationship is none of your concern. Do what's right for you and your little one , there is no other choice. Good luck OP

I'm 46 and have had more than my fair share of sexual relationships from fwb to fully committed and I've managed to avoid doing this, as most people do!

Congratulations on your moral superiority.

Given that the OP cannot travel back in time (and has probably fucked off now given some of the comments) in what way is preaching at her going to help?

The biological father of her baby is trying to bully her into having a termination. THAT’s the problem here.

OP people's opinions on your relationship don't matter on here or else where. But as to naming the father, most people just wont ask, your parents might. Health Care providers (and your midwife will probably have come across this situation before and if she is a good un will be able to support you) school application forms.
But most people wont be saying "who's the father" when they gaze into the pram or look at SM pictures.
Families are formed in so many different ways these days and most people wont bat an eye lid
Just brazen it out, make your announcement "I am having a baby"
Do all the things you want to do to announce and celebrate your baby.

‘Well, he’ll know what it’s like to want then”

That’s what my grandma used to say in the face of unreasonable demands.

He can want what he likes. Doesn’t mean you have to comply.

An abortion when you don’t want one or a lifetime of lying to a child and everyone in it’s family are both really, really bad ideas.

This is no longer about what he wants, it's about your child's needs and rights.
Your child has the right to know who his parents are.
Therefore you can't lie for him and he'll have to take whatever consequences come his way

God, everyone loves to bash an affair. Pretty sure OP knows what she did was wrong and that now she (and those in that family) is paying a heavy price for it. It's the bloke I'd like to have words with - what a bastard!

I hope you wont do something like this again OP? You are paying a price but I can guarantee it wont be half as much pain as what that partner and child will feel if/when they find out. I dont mean that in a judge-y way - just making sure you have thought about the ripple effect of your actions to prevent you from doing it again.

My advice is to name him on the birth certificate. Essential for medical information (hereditary illnesses etc) and csa if he suddenly claims he's not the father.

You don't have to name him to everyone else though. You can raise this little one on your own and with family support, if you have it. Think about cutting ties with him though. I strongly feel he should be dealing with the consequences of his behaviour but it sounds like he's being a coward. This will ruin his life but he really should have thought of that before he had an affair with you. Too little, too late.
If you cut ties, you can at least find it easier to move on.

Don't lie to your child either. That's not fair.

An abortion is not the answer here. If you feel you are capable of doing this, if you feel you cant go through with it, then don't. The father is suggesting it because it's the easiest way to get rid of the 'problem' in his eyes. Don't be pressured into that.

I would say to him:

• you're raising this child whether he likes it or not

• you're not interested in breaking up his family and happy to raise the child alone

• you'd want some financial support though (because he needs to take responsibility for his actions) and you'd be happy to work that out between you. Failure to do so will result in CSA getting involved which consequently means his partner will find out.

• state that he will be on the birth certificate but you wont be blabbing it about to everyone

• Finally, make it clear that you dont want any contact because that's the best way forward for this situation.

I hope you find some clarity in this situation. Mistakes happen. We all make errors in judgement. We all behave wrongly at times. What matters is the lessons we learn from them and not making the same mistakes time and time again.