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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:

CupcakeDrama · 20/04/2019 12:15

Once again she cant name him on the bc without him BEING THERE!!! and as he wants nothing to do with the child he isnt going to be there signing his name is he?!

Cheekyfeckery · 20/04/2019 12:22

Op shouldn’t put him on anyway.

Can always be added later.

PlinkPlink · 20/04/2019 12:39

Oh I didn't realise that @CupcakeDrama

Cant she name him to CMS then? They do DNA tests...

Surely the bloke would rather be named on the certificate than go through the CMS -much more likely to blow up that way?

CupcakeDrama · 20/04/2019 12:47

Well depends really as my ex doesnt pay any CM as hes managed to work his way out of paying. Lots of men get away with not paying so that might not worry him.

RomanyQueen1 · 20/04/2019 12:52

tell him he should have thought of that when having an affair.
name him and make sure he pays for the child he has made.
Or agree to keep his secret until child is old enough and if he misses just one csa payment you'll tell his wife.

SusieOwl4 · 20/04/2019 12:52

a genuine question - can you get maintenance if the father is not named on BC?

Personally I would just accept your position , forget him and move forward and enjoy your baby . His loss .

Motheroffeminists · 20/04/2019 12:55

@SusieOwl4 yes you can. My son's dad is not on the birth certificate. I went through the csa for maintenance.

sashh · 20/04/2019 12:57

You obviously are not going to abort, ha#e made his choice when he had sex with you.

He IS hurting you and he is going to hurt your child.

He may well be in for a shock if the baby looks like him and you live in the same area.

mummmy2017 · 20/04/2019 13:06

CS. Send him a letter, he can ask for DNA test, but since you know he is100% the dad let him, then he has too pay...

Cheekyfeckery · 20/04/2019 13:40

Don’t put him on the birth certificate.

Do give the baby your name.

Do prepare to support and bring the baby up on your own.

Yes, he should pay maintenance but he might not.

The hardest part of being a single parent is being solely and entirely responsible. You have to take that on. Any support, financial or otherwise, is a bonus.

But it’s down to you. (Personally I prefer it this way).

Valanice1989 · 20/04/2019 15:09

And I'm always amazed that you can just register a kid without the father being there, when you're married! What if he's been overseas for 2 years! How can it be his?

The register office aren't going to investigate whom the mother has had sex with. If a man consents to his name being put on the birth certificate and the mother doesn't object, then they willl respect that decision. When a straight couple get married, the husband is giving his wife permission to name him as the father of any children she has over the course of their marriage. If a couple are not married, the father needs to attend the registration to give consent to be named.

TheoriginalLEM · 20/04/2019 17:59

Hollow my point is how vile he is

Fairenuff · 20/04/2019 23:50

Yes, he should pay maintenance but he might not.

He will if he doesn't want his gf to find out about the affair.

MulticolourMophead · 21/04/2019 00:50

He'd better not have a joint account with the gf, then, Fairenuff, or she'll out that way.

It's not the best situation, OP, but plenty of sensible advice among the dross here.

Obviously, there's no way he'll come along to the registration, so he won't go on the BC. Not necessarily a bad thing, he won't get PR and thus won't be able to mess you about.

A pp mentioned about medical history, etc, but you know who the father is and he doesn't need to be named on the bc for this sort of thing.

So claim via CMS, and go it alone. You'll be able to make all the decisions.

SlappingJoffrey · 21/04/2019 08:52

The OP isn't actually in a bad position to enforce maintenance. Buying her silence etc. If he has a joint account then, well, it'll be for him to work out won't it? But I for one certainly wouldn't even be entertaining his request for discretion unless there was going to be something in it for my child.

laptoplacey · 21/04/2019 21:26

Second rule of having an affair. Don't get pregnant! Obviously first rule is don't get caught! You are going to break a lot of worlds, the mans family, maybe your family and friends will be talking about this, the child. How do you think this will impact the child. People will find out in the end. It doesn't matter what people say on here, ultimately it's your decision and you will have to live with it. I know life isn't straight forward it can be crazy, confusing but also awesome. You know in your heart what you want to do so do it and
be strong with it! I wish you well in whatever decision you make.

thenightsky · 21/04/2019 21:28

Agree with SlappingJoffrey.

Csleeptime · 22/04/2019 00:23

Don't get an abortion because you don't want one. Don't be bullied. Maybe show him baby development videos at 22 weeks this is an actual person now who can survive outside you.

Doesn't matter what people will think. You'll have a gorgeous baby who you will love and you will find the other stuff minor in comparison. He will have to accept responsibility for his mistakes as well. Can't have your cake and eat it.

I have a friend who's dad had a whole other secret family, it all came out when the kids were c.20, didn't do anyone any favours, best to all know up front, but try and keep the stress away from your pregnancy as much as you can. Good luck

pinkboa · 22/04/2019 00:53

I don't understand why the in the age of social media this matters?

How did it not matter whilst the affair was going on?

To be honest I would never have had a child in these circumstances.... I couldn't face lying to a child for its entire life.

I once heard a radio interview with a child now adult born into these circumstances and she spoke of how it made her feel unwanted her entire life and what hurt the most was her father knew/knows she exists. I just couldn't do it.

To be honest he does have a right to decide if he wants to be a parent. However, he doesn't get to decide when and how. It is your body and your choice at the end of the day. He should have thought about this before he had this affair. I wouldn't have a termination at this stage but I would make peace with the fact that I will be a single parent and I will have to manage both mine and my child's emotional well-being.

The best you can get I think is child maintenance.

Halo84 · 22/04/2019 09:05

It seems you want to keep your baby. If that’s the case, do it. He has no say in the matter. Don’t hide who your baby’s father is, even if he chooses not to be involved in your child’s life. Seek child support but, as previous posters have advised, be prepared for him to weasel out of paying and be prepared to support your child on your own.

Good luck.

Herland · 22/04/2019 09:44

Op, please ignore the head girl types on the thread who live utterly virtuous and blame free existences. You are where you are and YOU are facing up to the consequences.

Just to let you know that this could be the start of something wonderful. My bf had a one night stand with a guy (used a condom). They had arranged to meet up again the following weekend. She then received a call to say he was getting back with an ex. A month or so later she realised she was pregnant. She went ahead and her baby is now a beautiful, happy, confident, intelligent 18 year old, about to start university. They are exceptionally close.

You seem to want this child and I just wanted you to know that the circumstances surrounding it's conception need not define it or you or your future happiness.

Have you much family support?

Nesssie · 22/04/2019 17:02

Why should she?! I would keep the baby and tell people who the father is if they asked. Why should you lie?
Erm because she was shagging someone in a relationship? I wouldn’t particularly want people to know that that is the kind of person I am.

Keep the baby, keep the fathers identity a secret. Win win for everyone.

Inliverpool1 · 22/04/2019 17:39

22 weeks is too late I think you’d struggle to find any doctor willing to go along with it. Blame that if you have to, oh well too late it is happening deal with it

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