Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 19/04/2019 13:05

You can raise a beautiful child alone and they won't want for anything as they will have your love.

Go via cms and get maintenance. Don't worry about what his wife will think as he wasn't when he had an affair.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 19/04/2019 13:07

Well isn’t he a charmer.

Go non contact immediately and raise your baby alone.

If you require maintenance (most of us do) then name him to CMS,

Like others have said these are the consequences of an affair...of he want prepared to cope with them he should not have strayed.

TheGrapefulDread · 19/04/2019 13:12

You mean he has a wife? That type of affair ? He doesn’t want living proof of infidelity ? : not someone I’d be taking cues about my life decisions from if that is the case.

sue51 · 19/04/2019 13:16

He's vile. If he doesn't come with you to register the birth, you can't put him on the birth certificate. Go to cms he may well say he isn't the father (it seems to be the standard response for some men) in which case cms will arrange a dna test which he will pay for when proven to be the father. Most importantly of all do not lie for this man, especially to your child.

mummmy2017 · 19/04/2019 13:16

You want this baby, tell him to sod orf, name him and claim CS.

LittleChristmasMouse · 19/04/2019 13:17

Could you put him on the birth certificate but if anyone asks just say he isn't someone you want around your baby?
The OP can't put him on the birth certificate in hIs absence because they aren't married.

CustardD123 · 19/04/2019 13:18

Of course he would say that but doesn't mean you should follow his evil advice. If you do, it's almost like a reward for him and shows him that he can keep doing the same thing with various women and not ever get caught so by keeping it a secret, you are in fact making things worse for his wife.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/04/2019 13:18

He lost his right to make demands like that the moment he chose to have sex with you - he now has to deal with the consequences of that choice whether he likes it or not.

No his decision about an abortion, not his decision about what goes on the birth certificate, not his decision about what you choose to say about who the father of your child is.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/04/2019 13:19

If he is on the birth certificate he'll have parental responsibility which will give him power to mess the OP about while not making any commitment to his child.

Incywincybitofa · 19/04/2019 13:20

I imagine right now he is scared, but in the future he may want to be involved especially once his wife chucks him out so be very clear what you do and don't want from him going forwards.
This decision is also about your unborn child, they will ask questions, they will grow up happily embracing your special family of 2, but when they are older they will have questions. Social media is a sneaky way that younger and younger children track down relatives, so think about how much information you want them to have him and when.
But ultimately he made a baby with you, and whether he likes it or not the consequences of that will chace him for decades not just financially but emotionally as well, and he can't duck that because your future child will question their identity and origins in time and I think they have a right to know if the circumstances were consensual for you.
Also be prepared that whatever you tell relatives and friends about this may well come back to your child in a decade or 2.
Good Luck with whatever you decide

LittleChristmasMouse · 19/04/2019 13:20

not his decision about what goes on the birth certificate,

Surely it is? If he doesn't go to register the birth he can't be named can he?

Original poster
Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 13:21

He has a GF that he lives with & a child together.
He says that he doesn’t want to hurt people and the only people that should suffer are me and him, he will suffer too if I have an abortion or will have to live with not seeing his child.
I don’t want to hurt people either but we had an affair and this is the consequence of that. I’m prepared to take what will come, his main concern is not seeing his existing child daily & what people will think of him.
He also says that i’m forcing him into a situation he doesn’t want to be in, I don’t remember forcing him into bed.
Thank you for your replies. You’ve confirmed what I was already thinking. X

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/04/2019 13:21

X-post - didn't know that both parents had to be present at registration of birth if not married.

NaBiAgOl · 19/04/2019 13:22

Wow, it's too late for a termination at this point and it's not what you want.

If anybody asks who the father is I suppose you could say ''he is not prepared to acknowledge the baby''. If they push, say ''he's not on the birth cert''. If they speculate they will probably guess right, but this man cannot re-write history!! Do not make up some cock and bull story that you have doubts about the paternity of your child.

I think you're probably better off without him on the birth cert anyway.

Sidge · 19/04/2019 13:23

Please don’t have a late term abortion to appease the conscience of a spineless cheating twat.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/04/2019 13:24

If he didn't want to hurt his partner and child he shouldn't have fucked someone else.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/04/2019 13:24

Are you single?

Aimily · 19/04/2019 13:25

didn't know that both parents had to be present at registration of birth if not married.

I wasnt aware of this either.

NaBiAgOl · 19/04/2019 13:25

You're not forcing him in to any situation.

A pregnancy is a potential repercussion of unprotected sex. This is not you forcing him in to any situation.

YOu sound brave enough to deal with the repercussions although you're giving what HE wants more weight than what you want.

Can you get away from your town for a while, try and tune in to your own wants and needs here?

I would delete all but your closest most trusted friends off facebook, instagram etc..

sue51 · 19/04/2019 13:25

If he didn't want to hurt people he should not have had an affair. He is compounding that by attempting to manipulate you into an abortion at 22 weeks pregnant. Put yourself and your baby first.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 19/04/2019 13:26

Please do not put his name of the birth certificate.

PinaColadaPlease · 19/04/2019 13:28

There is not a chance I would lie to protect this horrible excuse of a man.

Does he work?

I would have nothing to do with him and then go to CMS to make sure he supports the child he created.

If I was the gf then I would want to know.

LittleChristmasMouse · 19/04/2019 13:29

OP did you think that he would leave his gf to be with you?

Presumably you knew there was a big chance that you would be doing this alone when you knew that he was in a relationship?

I think I would be careful who I told simply so that I could manage what my child finds out later on ie only the facts not any gossip that other people choose to add. Once it's out you lose control over it.

sue51 · 19/04/2019 13:29

You cannot put his name down on the certificate if you are unmarried and he does not attend to register the birth with you. Stops people putting Prince William or whoever as their chikd's father.

Lichtie · 19/04/2019 13:35

I have mixed feelings about it (putting aside that he is a cheating scumbag, and you already know this).
I assume the pregnancy wasn't planned, he has stated his preferences, it's now up to you whether you do what he wants. He obviously can't force you to do anything you don't want to, but you can't force him to to want the child. The decisions are ultimately yours.