Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

[Confusedmum2b]

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

I was exactly in the same position just over 2 years ago. Could of been the same script. I kept my baby and cut contact with the mm (and before anyone jumps in, I didn't know he was married at the time). I now have a happy and healthy toddler and yes me and the father didn't speak for the latter stages of the pregnancy. However as soon as the baby was born he was and still is an active father. His wife does know about the child but pretends not to, yes it's complicated and hard work but I wouldn't change not having my child....
The pros far outweigh the cons x

What a knob! This bloke has no right to tell you this. You can’t put him on the birth certificate if you aren’t married but make sure your child knows who their waste of space dad is and CLAIM MAINTENANCE 👍 Good luck OP. I’m fuming on your behalf by the way.

My point is MOST people aren't mentioning STDs out of concern for the OP. It's just more slut shaming. Sticking the boot in. Acting like she is shit on your shoe because she had a relationship with someone having a relationship with someone else. She did not cheat on his girlfriend. She did not steal him. She did not make him cheat. She did not turn a good, loyal man in to a cheating bastard. "She" could be anyone. HE is the one to blame.

You don't actually know why people are mentioning the STI risk. And even if your guess is correct, they're still right about the risk and the need for testing and it certainly won't do OP any good to try and detract from this.

In terms of blame, assuming everyone acted voluntarily then he's culpable for his actions and not hers, OP is culpable for hers and not his.

You don’t need to tell anyone that he’s the father - you can just say that he doesn’t want to be involved but will be paying maintenance. That gives you a little leverage over him, as well, to ensure that he pays maintenance without making things difficult.

Easier not to have him involved (apart from financially) from the beginning, given what an absolutely callous cunt the man is. My DD’s father wanted me to have an abortion (yet is now a very doting dad), but even he isn’t so repulsive that he would have tried to persuade me to abort an almost-viable baby.

The pill? If it were me I'd be worried about STDs considering he is known to sleep around. HPV and HIV/AIDS are on the increase and are spreading fast in hetero relationships. People have gotten complacent. If you're in a long term relationship, that's one thing. But if you are sleeping with someone who sleeps around a lot, who knows how many people you have been 'sleeping with' by default? Pregnancy isn't permanent. AIDS or HPV is. If you are going to have affairs/casual sex, at the very least, use a condom. Maybe the pill on top. You're risking your health and your life otherwise. No other advice except at 22 weeks I don't think it would be possible to abort, and the longer you wait, well.... It seems the best thing would be to have the baby and then play it by ear as to how he reacts and what your next move is.

Potatoes that is not a view I subscribe to. The op KNEW he was in a committed supposedly monogamous relationship with someone else AND there's a child there too. She is no less responsible for this mess than he is.

It's not hard NOT to shag someone who's committed to someone else. That goes for men and women.

I'm 46 and have had more than my fair share of sexual relationships from fwb to fully committed and I've managed to avoid doing this, as most people do!

In the majority of cases it's bloody obvious if someone is already in a relationship with someone else. We see threads on almost every day certainly several times a week where it's obvious to those of us reading (and I suspect deep down the op's) that the odd behaviour of men who:

Don't introduce op to friends/family
Don't have op coming to their home
Only see them on certain days/times
Don't encourage indirect communication at any time
Are reluctant to spend full nights at op's home for no obvious good reason
Avoid conversations about future progression of the relationship
Usually are quite careful even paranoid about contraception
Secretive in any number of other ways...

There's even numerous threads about OLD where clues to a subscriber possibly already being in a relationship are discussed.

As for the sti aspect there are very real risks to the pregnancy, the mother and the baby if this aspect isn't considered, I've seen women devastated by problematic pregnancy & birth or even losing the baby as a result of undx sti's.

Personally I think all pregnant women should be very strongly encouraged to have full screening as soon as pregnancy is confirmed.

Some can lay dormant for several years and to be quite honest many women aren't in tune enough with their bodies or aware of the possible symptoms to recognise they may have an infection which can pose a risk to their baby.

Go to cms he may well say he isn't the father (it seems to be the standard response for some men) in which case cms will arrange a dna test which he will pay for when proven to be the father.

Could he refuse the DNA test??

You and baby are better of having nothing to do with him op.

@PotatoesDieInHotCars
My point is MOST people aren't mentioning STDs out of concern for the OP. It's just more slut shaming. Sticking the boot in.

That is your insinuation. If that's your take from it, that's on you. However I think we're all saying it, because it is a worry. Latest info from the CDC and the World Health Organisation shows that AIDS has started to spread fast again, because people have become complacent. The fastest growing STD is current AIDS (it was 4th or 5th place for quite some time but it has now jumped back to number one) and the section it is being spread in the fastest is heterosexual PIV sex.

It is a genuine cause for concern, and if enough people warn other women (and men) that due to complacency it is spreading fast in the heterosexual community, and that causes people to either get checked or to think before having casual sex/affair without a condom, the better. It is our (collective) health we are talking about, and just like when we as a community drop the ball on immunisation, things like measles and whooping cough make a come back, so too, does AIDS when we drop the ball and get complacent. HIV/AIDS infection rates had slowed for a couple of decades. Now, it is on the increase and spreading very quickly. BECAUSE people stopped using condoms. Thinking pregnancy was the main threat and the pill was all they needed, forgetting that pregnancy is only temporary, unlike HPV or HIV/AIDS. It is very important to warn and remind each other to be vigilant about these things. As a sisterhood if nothing else.

You had an affair and are surprised the guy doesn’t want a baby?
He’s told you his stance- abortion or not being named.
Now you choose. Keep the baby, say to people you don’t wish to name the father.

I don’t think it’s as complicated as you are making out.

HPV also is the leading cause of cervical cancer. So these STDs kill people. It's not a joke.

My Ds's father didn't want to know. No affair but I found out I was pregnant after I ended our long distance relationship. An abortion didn't even occur to me. He threatened suicide. I ignored him. I have an amazing 4 year old who doesn't know his father. He saw him once when he was 1. I didn't put his name on the birth certificate and went through the csa for maintenance.
Keep your baby and enjoy being a mum. My ds is the best thing that ever happened to me even though he wasn't planned.

The fall out with his wife is his problem to deal with and should not influence what you do. He has no right to make you choose.

could he refuse the dna test??

My friend's ex refused and was told paternity is assumed in that case, so he had to pay maintenance.

Or she could keep the baby and also tell people who the father is... Why would she need to protect him if he turns his back on the child? I love how Men and it seems the majority of the people on here feel that men have the choice to be a father. Both their actions led to this and if she decides to keep the baby, then I'm sorry but he needs to step up to his responsibilities. He wasn't too concerned about his family when he started this affair was he. And I say that with having been in the same position she has.

"Could he refuse the DNA test?? "

Yes, but then CMS will proceed with him as father (as he is unwilling to do the only type of test that couid prove he was not).

Yes, he should pay to support his child.

For all other purposes, in the short term at least, OP can say that she and the father are no longer together and that she does not want to discuss it further. At some stage, she will need to tell her DC more about him, but decisions on when and how that wouid best be done can wait a while.

You had the choice to keep the baby or abort - this choice is yours alone and you made the choice not to

He does not want to be named on the birth certificate or be part of the baby's life. This is his choice and you cannot force him to do otherwise.

What he does not have a choice is paying maintenance for the baby. You might have to take him to court but this is the baby's right.

Its up to you whether you want to go around telling people he is the father. Im not sure what you will achieve by that apart from letting everyone know that you had an affair with an effectively MM when he has asked for you not to. I would think that would erode trust further between the two of you and make him less likely to cooperate with you.

Making sure the baby is loved (and is paid for) and has both parents in his/her life as positive influences should ultimately be your end goal. I would try and work with him as much as you can to make this happen. If it doesnt at least you know you tried your best.

Good luck!

Firstly the father is an arsehole. He has shown you he doesn't give a damn about you and is trying to save his own skin and relationship. A late abortion is a pretty horrendous thing - whilst I haven't had one, I did go into spontaneous labour at a similar point and it was incredibly traumatic being left literally holding a baby albeit a small one. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or judge you, it just further demonstrates what a dick the father is as it may be an easy option for him, but will likely be traumatic for you.

Ignore what other people think. Do what is best for you.

If you choose to have the child do not cover for him. Do what is best for your child and yourself - he has shown you he doesn't really care about you so why do him the favour of making your life more difficult by covering for him? And definitely pursue him for child support!

Good luck

At some stage, you will need to think about your DC and the relationship with half siblings.

Not an immediate concern, but something that may come up when s/he's old enough to start asking questions.

I should add that ds has 2 sisters at home but he also has 2 half brothers. He has never met them. They are 18 and 25 or thereabouts. He knows about them, has seen pictures, knows their names, where they live (far away) and has heard about our times together before he was born. There was no covering up who was his father and I will always answer his questions as best I can.

Apologies about the BC. When I said don't put him on it, I meant just go yourself to register the birth as he would need to be there to add his name. My ex decided it was too expensive on the train to come and register with me so that space is blank. I have a very happy and sociable little boy who is loved beyond measure by all (except his paternal family). I'm
A single mum of 3 and tbh I find it easier being a single mum of 3 than I did being a married mum of 2. It's hard at times, it really is, but I love it.

All the best OP. You are in a tough place but we have to make the best of our decisions in life and my ds is something I will never regret. In fact I consider myself very lucky and god help me #blessed

QueenBeex. As a previous poster said, if a man denies paternity and refuses a dna test then cms presume him to be the father and pursue the claim._

To be honest I would not have this baby in such sad circumstances. Its just a grim situation for the baby to be so unwanted. You could have a baby with a fantastic man who loves you and the child and is a brilliant father. I'd choose that route.

Just to add obviously I know its too late for that now. I'd have done that at an earlier stage. You don't have to say you don't know who the dad is, you just say he's not involved. One of the mums in my ante natal group had a non involved dad, child is now 13 and her dad has never seen her. Mum is a great mum although she has found it extremely difficult and heart breaking at times.

I’d want to spare a moment to think about my own future husband and my future kids

From that angle it's not just about entering the relationship with or without children. It's about admitting that the existing child was the result of an affair. I wouldn't marry a man that had cheated in the past.

Apart from your family members, who would actually ask who the father is?

It's not something I would do at all. I might ask a close friend if she's still with the father, but no more than that.

It's really nobody's business. You also do not have to tell your child that he/she was the product of an affair. There's no benefit in doing that IMO.

I personally know of two babies born before 23 weeks who survived and have grown into lovely little people.

I’m not sure I believe you - I thought standard practice at 22-23 weeks is not even to attempt to resuscitate.