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Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 19/04/2019 15:40

@sunshine
Is it nice up there on your high horse?
OP you do what is right for you and ignore the sanctimonious bints on here, I'm sure they're all perfect in their perfect marriages.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2019 15:43

No contraceptive is 100% effective. Women who have not had an unplanned pregnancy despite having lots of PIV sex are either not particularly fertile or they have just been lucky so far.

And do leave off with the shock horror about 'but it was an AFFAIR', the rest of you. People seek outside relationships all the time because monogamy is an artificial construct that doesn't suit the majority of people. This bloke is clearly no prize and hopefully OP can see that now and disregard him.

SunshineCake · 19/04/2019 15:49

Bookworm4

The whole point is some marriages aren't perfect and that's why people are not sympathetic when people so casually announce they've had an affair as they've been hurt by a cheating spouse. Nothing to do with high horses you idiot Hmm.

SlappingJoffrey · 19/04/2019 15:53

Give over SGB. This was uncondomed sex with someone who's likely doing the same with another sexual partner, and without the full consent and awareness of all parties. There's nothing wrong with fully consensual polyamory but this clearly wasn't that, thus isn't the appropriate vehicle for anyone's monogamy is a drag soapbox. The problem here is that the comments are unhelpful given that OP doesn't have access to a time machine.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/04/2019 15:56

He says that he doesn’t want to hurt people

Well, that ship sailed quite some time ago.

You don’t want a second termination so you don’t have one. Nothing he says/thinks/wants matters. It’s not his decision.

I’m normally all for telling the wife/GF but in this instance I’m afraid I’d be more worried about the hassle of bringing him into our lives. I’d just tell him to stay away from me unless he wants me to contact his GF

Graphista · 19/04/2019 15:57

"Presumably you'll both face disapproval of the affair but you have a baby coming so time for you both to suck it up." This!

He screwed up time to face the consequences as will you as its not easy being a single mum. Or are you also married?

I don't think he can be named on the bc if he's not present as you're not married but he certainly cannot force you to abort, lie or not pursue him for child maintenance.

Tough shit! If he didn't want to deal with this as a potential consequence he shouldn't have had an affair!

As you weren't using condoms you need to seriously consider full sti screening for the babies sake as much as yours, he was sleeping with at least 2 of you that you know of, entirely possible he's had unsafe sex with others too and some sti's can be dangerous for the baby particularly during birth.

Cheekyfeckery · 19/04/2019 15:58

@Confusedmum2b

This was me. He had a gf (no DCs).

He wanted me to end the PG.

I didn’t. I gave him the option to terminate all contact.

I had my baby, and no regrets whatsoever.

Thing is, in this situation, the ONLY person who has to live with the consequences either way is you.

He isn’t going to hang around if you end the PG.

You are left to either dealing with a very late termination (which I don’t think you’ll be able to get) and the impact of that or a baby - which it seems you want?

He doesn’t factor. That’s his choice, and his to make. Just as having the baby is yours to make.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 19/04/2019 16:02

I know you are on the pill but using a condom stops diseases being transmitted. He, as a cheat should be aware of that. So, dump him (he cares little for you), get checked out, don't put him on the birth certificate, claim CM. And as others have said, just say the father didn't live up to expectations.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2019 16:04

The pill doesn't protect against STDs and given he has another partner currently (much less his past history) you never though to protect yourself? With typical use, the pill is only 91% effective anyway so should be used along side another method.

Victormeldrew1 · 19/04/2019 16:06

Both parents definitely have to be present to go on birth cert it's been like that for a while I have a 5 yr 4 yr and 3 yr old and thy told me that on all 3 of them

Firefliess · 19/04/2019 16:07

You're 22 weeks so presumably managing to hide the pregnancy currently but that's not going to be doable much longer. So people are going to start asking who the father is as soon as you tell them you're having a baby. You either tell them the truth, or you say "he's not in the picture". I think it's worth thinking about which option will be easiest for you. You'll be managing being pregnant and having a baby on your own. If you tell the truth, are you going to have to deal with all kinds of shit from the father and his GF and friends? If so, you might have a less stressful pregnancy by keeping it quiet for now. I don't think you need to stay quiet for his sake, but there may be little to gain for your own sake by saying. It's also possible that once he gets his head round the fact that you're not going to abort (easier in two weeks time when it's no longer possible) he may re-evaluate things and decide to come clean to his GF himself. I think that scenario might be less stressful for you than if you tell everyone yourself before he's accepted what's going on.

As others have said, you do not have the option of naming him on the birth certificate unless he comes with you to register the birth. That doesn't stop you claiming child support.

PerfectPenquins · 19/04/2019 16:08

You can't really be surprised by his behaviour. He's already shown you loud and clear he is a liar, untrustworthy and a cheat- as are you to be fair.
Either way the child will pay the consequences- either by having an absent dad and wondering why they are not worth their dads time or by having a dad who sees them every now and then with possibly a lot of bad feeling if he stays with his gf.

He can not opt out of parent hood the child has a right to know who their dad is, imagine when your child is older and began dating a half sibling with no knowledge? He must fin socially support the child if nothing else.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2019 16:08

Thing is, in this situation, the ONLY person who has to live with the consequences either way is you

And the innocent child who will grow up knowing they were the result of an affair. Given his current stance they are likely to grow up without much or any contact with him and likely minimal finances.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2019 16:10

By past history, I mean I'm guessing he wasn't a virgin before the two current relationships he's having. Unless you are both really young, then he may have no past but you still need to be checked.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 19/04/2019 16:18

I hope all you ladies going on about STDs and condoms use them too. You know, just in case one of these sirens come along and force your partner to cheat on you against his will.

Cheekyfeckery · 19/04/2019 16:20

So what’s the alternative Icevreamandcandyfloss?

Cos this is where the Op is, so anything helpful to add?

Cheekyfeckery · 19/04/2019 16:22

OP, it’s absolutely possible to raise a well adjusted, secure child on your own. You have years before they ask, by which time you’ll be in a very different place emotionally.

You will work it out. One step at a time.

mummmy2017 · 19/04/2019 16:23

Confusedmum .. very few people care nowerdays if your together or not with the dad.
All you need ever say is you broke up, and no other information..... People won't judge what they don't know about. .
Have your baby and be happy....

Dillydallyingthrough · 19/04/2019 16:27

he will suffer too if I have an abortion or will have to live with not seeing his child.
I don’t want to hurt people either but we had an affair and this is the consequence of that.

Don't have an abortion, only you will be affected. You seem to accept the consequences of the affair. Wheras he is lying to try and get himself out of this situation. Have your baby, tell his girlfriend. He need to accept the consequences of his behaviour. Good luck OP, you can do this, I've raised my DD alone and although at times difficult it is the best thing I've ever done.

SlappingJoffrey · 19/04/2019 16:27

Interesting that you assumed everyone mentioning the lack of condoms and the STI risk is in a monogamous relationship with a bloke potatoes...

The OP has had condomless sex with someone who has another partner. That's a known and definite risk. Of course an STI screening is required in this situation! Especially when you're pregnant. You may have had one already of course OP, but if not, I'd prioritise it.

Graphista · 19/04/2019 16:35

"I hope all you ladies going on about STDs and condoms use them too. You know, just in case one of these sirens come along and force your partner to cheat on you against his will."

What a ridiculous comment!

For one thing any person that cheats isn't being forced to do so. That's an active decision they have made.

In my own case the second I suspected (correctly) that my ex was cheating I stopped sleeping with him altogether and got a full sti check.

In all my relationships with men bar the first where we were both virgins (and believe me it was painfully obvious he was too) I've used condoms throughout excepting after we both had clear sti screening and we were ttc.

As someone of the generation who had it drummed into me by the media, teachers, parents etc about safer sex due to the AIDS scare and has nursed patients with full blown AIDS, HIV and advanced forms of other sti's (if untreated they can still turn very nasty) I'm very aware of the risks and act accordingly.

It shocks me that there seems now to be a much more lax attitude to these issues. Yes there's good treatments for Hiv and other sti's but they don't necessarily work for everyone and there can be seriously harmful side effects.

So I act accordingly and take care of my sexual health.

Graphista · 19/04/2019 16:36

and has nursed patients with full blown AIDS, HIV and advanced forms of other sti's

Should have read

And has nursed patients with full blown AIDS hepatitis and advanced forms of other sti's

viques · 19/04/2019 16:38

I am amazed at how many people seem to think that you can put a man's name on a birth certificate if you are not married!

For once and for all, if you are married or in a civil partnership and living with your husband then the assumption is that the child is his and there is no problem, he can be named on the NC without being present.

If you are NOT married, then the only way that a man can be named on a BC Is if he is present at the registration.

Littleduckeggblue · 19/04/2019 16:41

@Confusedmum2b
I was in a very similar situation years ago when I was a similar age to you. I went ahead with the abortion and me and the Father stopped seeing each other. I sympathise with you and your situation.
If I had to do it again.... I wouldn't have the abortion. I was bullied into it and it took me along time to get over it.
Have your Baby, you can be the Mother and the Father! Smile
Do not be bullied into something you do not want to do.
Good luck with your pregnancy

daisyphase · 19/04/2019 16:42

I’d want to spare a moment to think about my own future husband and my future kids. Do I want to approach that stage of my life as a mum of one or just as me? Both are possible. It’s up to you.