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Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 19/04/2019 13:36

Bugger what he wants, he should have thought about that before having an affair. Do what you want.

ItsAGo · 19/04/2019 13:40

He’s only asking this to cover his arse. It will make life difficult for you.

Tell you family/friends and child the truth. Make sure he pays child support. It is not your job to make his life easier by hiding your affair and his child. He’s also trying to get out of paying.

If you don’t put him on the birth certificate then you can still claim child support from him, so that’s not an issue.

Please don’t spend your life lying to your child. It will complicate your entire life and drive you mad.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/04/2019 13:41
Flowers
Bookworm4 · 19/04/2019 13:42

He couldn't bear to not see his child every day but wants you to abort this one? I'd be having a word with his gf, let her know what a acumbag she's with. Keep your baby.

youknowmedontyou · 19/04/2019 13:43

I guessed this was an affair, so bloody messy!

You're clearly not going to have an abortion so he needs to face up to that. It's going to be a rocky road ahead but you'll get through it.

CryptoFascist · 19/04/2019 13:44

I don't think the clinic would agree to an abortion at this stage anyway as there are no medical reasons. You'd have to go further to convince them it's what you want, which it blatantly isn't. You need to stop contact with him now as it only serves for him to continue bullying you.
He sounds despicable and you're better off without him in your life. As pp said, tell your child something age appropriate when they ask. In fact the truth would be best, that the father had another girlfriend and he didn't want her to find out. Then it's not impacting on your child's self esteem, there is a concrete answer as to why he's not part of their life.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 19/04/2019 13:50

Get rid of him. Don't give the child his surname. Don't put his name on the birth certificate, you can't anyhow, if he's not there. Tell everyone.

joystir59 · 19/04/2019 13:53

Did you give a thought for his gf and child before you fucked him?

IHateUncleJamie · 19/04/2019 13:53

He says that he doesn’t want to hurt people

Apart from your baby. And you. What an absolute shit.

OP there’s a reason why you’ve been to the clinic twice and not gone through with it. Keep that in mind next time he tries to railroad you.

It’s nobody else’s business who the Father is. Just keep repeating that the Father is not someone you want in your life due to his attitude and that you are not prepared to talk about it.

thecatsarecrazy · 19/04/2019 13:54

I haven't rtft but i think if your not married to the father and hes not present when you register you can't put his name anyway

IHateUncleJamie · 19/04/2019 13:54

Did you give a thought for his gf and child before you fucked him?

Judgy bollocks. How is that relevant or helpful to the OP at this stage?

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 19/04/2019 13:55

He made the decision to have the affair and have sex, and now he needs to deal with the consequences. Everything he says is "me me me". It is all about him covering his tracks.

He has shown you his true colours now, he doesn't want to lose his partner and child, and all he wants to do his protect his reputation.

You need to end the affair now, as this man is no use to anyone. It is too late for an abortion. You won't be able to put him on the birth certificate unless he goes with you to register the birth, but you should ask him for CM and if he refuses, then go to the CMS.

You can't make him be a part of his child's life, but if he is the decent loving father who can't bear not to see his existing child every day, then he should want to be part of your child's life. If he doesn't, then again, he is showing you who he really is.

I feel very sorry for his partner, but he made his decision to have an affair, as did you, and now you and him both need to face up to the consequences.

Good luck.

cakeandchampagne · 19/04/2019 13:56

At this point, it seems you need to be completely focused on taking good care of yourself, planning your future as a single mother, and growing & birthing a healthy baby.

MidsomerBurgers · 19/04/2019 13:57

Did you give a thought for his gf and child before you fucked him?

So it's her fault? He's the one who is cheating on his GF and DC. not the OP.

HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 14:05

I wouldn't see him any more and I would definitely name him as the father on the birth certificate and claim child support from him.

HoustonBess · 19/04/2019 14:05

He needs to own his shit. You're not responsible for sorting things out with his girlfriend.

But you need to own your shit, which appears to be that you'll be raising a child without any support from the father. Would adoption be an option? Do you have support from family and friends etc?

Honeyroar · 19/04/2019 14:07

What a mess.

Do your friends and family know you're having an affair? Would it make any difference to you if it all comes out? He's deluded if he thinks it will never come out anyway. It might not for years, but it will cause more harm when it does. His poor family. You do what you want to do. He hasn't thought about anyone but himself really, you aren't far behind him, so you might as well go with your gut. Whether it comes out or not it sounds like you're going to be alone in the raising of the child.

LittleChristmasMouse · 19/04/2019 14:07

I don't think it is OPs fault but I think that she should have realised the problems of having a child with a partner who is already in a relationship.

It just complicates the whole situation. If OP tells people and the gf finds out and ends the relationship I doubt the man will be grateful to OP and they'll go off and live happily ever after will they?

I think the best that she can hope for is that he pays CM. He's unlikely to be an active co parent is he?

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2019 14:11

Remember that he has no power and no rights whatsoever at this point. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Be prepared to tell your child that the bio-father did not want to be involved (it is kinder to the child to present this along the lines of 'some people are just not very good at being parents' rather than painting the bio-father as evil.)
Tell this man to fuck right off and that he will be hearing from the CSA in due course, then block contact. If he makes a serious nuisance of hiimself (eg threats, harassment) contact the police.

neveradullmoment99 · 19/04/2019 14:12

He may feel differently about the baby when its born.
DO NOT let him pressurize you to have a termination.
At this point in your pregnancy, it would be very traumatic to go down this path. It is not as simple, as you are probably aware, like it would have been at an earlier stage.
You sound like its not what you want. Follow your instincts.
Of course he doesnt want you to keep it. It suits him to make no commitment to you and keep your relationship a secret so screw him!
When the baby is born, give him an ultimatum.If he doesnt want anything to do with the baby, dont put him on the certificate. End of story. Many people are single mums. You will cope.

Middersweekly · 19/04/2019 14:13

@OP I assume you’re in the UK? I am not sure where the mis-information is coming from but no abortion clinic will be willing to abort a 22 week fetus in the UK unless it’s for medical reasons!) In 2 weeks the baby will be viable (technically has a chance of survival after the 23 week mark). So...there isn’t still time! It seems like you’ve made your mind up to keep the baby regardless.
You ca leave the name of the father blank on the birth certificate. Nobody will bat and eye lid at that. You know the truth and can tell your child when he/she is old enough. Although the father of the baby is only wanting you to keep quiet for selfish reasons (he had an affair with you). It is not your responsibility to lie for him! He was the one in a long term relationship messing around, not you!

toucantoo · 19/04/2019 14:17

I wonder OP if he seems all that worth it now that you see who he really is. I'm sorry he's turned out to be a cad but then you knew this as he was capable of having an affair with you. Sad all round. But he needs to step up now and pay for his child.

YouJustDoYou · 19/04/2019 14:18

Don't keep quiet. Also, his wife needs to know what he's been doing, for her health's sake (she'll need to go for sti checks). If he's given her something she could be rendered infertile amongst other things
You owe her that much at the very least.

IvanaPee · 19/04/2019 14:18

What a cluster fuck!

If I were you I would be done now. Don’t drag your baby into such a mess.

I would be telling him that he WILL pay maintenance whether that’s privately or through CMS.

But he doesn’t have to be involved because your child deserves better than a forced relationship with someone who doesn’t want him.

AventaRizon · 19/04/2019 14:19

Keep you lovely baby and ditch him, the scumbag.