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Original poster

Father wants me to abort or not say he is the father

223 replies

Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 12:37

Hi.

I’m in a complicated situation but i’m 22 weeks pregnant. The father has wanted me to have an abortion since I found out at about 14 weeks. I have been to a clinic on 2 occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He is now saying that I still have time and it’s whats for best but if I keep it then he wants me to not name him as father to anyone.
I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.
I’m also thinking about the baby in that I will have to lie to him his entire life. He could walk past his father at any point, how is that fair?
My gut feeling is that this is an unreasonable request and he should have to take responsibility too. But is that because i’m emotionally involved?
Constructive advice needed please. X

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 14:20

didn't know that both parents had to be present at registration of birth if not married.

If not, you could put anyone you wanted as the father.

An unmarried woman can register the birth on her own, an unmarried man cannot.

If you gave birth in a hospital, the information of mother and child is sent to the registry office automatically.

OP.... you're with a weasel. His cheating now has consequences and he'll have to pay the price.

HavelockVetinari · 19/04/2019 14:24

Jeez, you can't abort at 22 weeks! Tell the bastard to fuck off, he sounds like a massive twat. I personally know of two babies born before 23 weeks who survived and have grown into lovely little people. It'd be very tricky for find 2 doctors willing to sign off on it unless there are foetal abnormalities.

He still has to pay maintenance, he chose to have sex, he can't just abandon his child, even if he doesn't want to be involved.

BrokenWing · 19/04/2019 14:25

Innocent people are going to get hurt (including your child once it comes into this mess) because of his and your actions but the right thing to do for everyone involved is to tell them all he is the dad, claim maintenance and let him and the child have a relationship if he wants to be involved. Prepare to be a single mum.

It's going to be messy, but there is no other way to do it with making matters worse than they already are, and get it out there the sooner the better. You've had your dirty little affair, don't make your child a dirty little secret.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 19/04/2019 14:28

It’s a bit late for an abortion isn’t it? You could still try to arrange one just to keep the option open. You may have more luck trying to getting it done privately though. Regarding naming him as the father that is up to you. If it were me I would tell him that I won’t name him provided he provides for his child. I don’t think anyone would benefit from the truth (least of all your child) but at least your child could benefit from his financial support.

leonasa · 19/04/2019 14:30

You can't put him on the birth certificate without him being there unless you are married. It doesn't have to say unknown though, it is just left blank these days.

I agree with PP that I would just say it was someone who wasn't in the picture/didn't want to be involved, and tell your child in an appropriate way when the time comes.

It is up to you whether or not you want to make him support the child and obviously you have that right, but there could potentially be more pain involved for your child having a reluctant father than no father.

pissedonatrain · 19/04/2019 14:30

The only person cheater pants cares about is himself.

Obviously you're going to have the baby so I would just block the selfish twat and just worry about yourself and the baby. Don't listen to his manipulation nonsense.

If you're not getting prenatal care, get that sorted first.

You've got months to deal with the other stuff. Talk to your mum or a very close friend for support.

SlappingJoffrey · 19/04/2019 14:31

If OP did want an abortion, which clearly she doesn't, she's still legally able to get one at 22 weeks. The legal limit is 24 weeks, which is a completely separate issue from viability. The fact that some babies born before 24 weeks survive is irrelevant. And she would absolutely fall within the remit of the 1967 Abortion Act, because one of the options is when continuing the pregnancy would cause greater risk to the mother's health than termination. Which is basically all pregnancies, because being pregnant is more dangerous to a woman than not being.

Women at this stage of pregnancy often face logistical difficulties, as fewer providers offer late terminations due to the complexity. And there may not be enough time before the 24 week limit to get an appointment, but the people saying OP would have to show a medical reason for an abortion now are wrong. It doesn't actually matter in this case because she clearly doesn't want one, but worth being clear about the law since it's come up in discussion.

OP what sort of arrangement is he proposing? Is he willing to pay maintenance in return for silence or does he just think he shouldn't have to do that either?

Boilerbap · 19/04/2019 14:32

Just to keep things accurate....you can abort up until 23+6 in the UK. You do NOT need a medical reason. I work for an abortion charity. You don't need a "better" reason at 22 weeks than at 6 weeks. Same laws apply!

That said...You don't want an abortion. So of course you shouldn't have one and they wouldn't do it because it isn't what you want!

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 14:37

OP, you might find this interesting, from a woman who was in your situation a few years ago.

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/552616-pregnant-my-affair

PinkHeart5914 · 19/04/2019 14:38

Well this is one fucking mess isn’t it!

Your both horrible cheats, but NO you don’t have to abort a baby if you don’t want to. He also has a legal obligation to pay maintenance.

You don’t have to tell the world and his wife who the father is as it’s nobody’s business really. You will however have to tell the child, because lying to your child would be an awful thing to do.

NaBiAgOl · 19/04/2019 14:40

I think OP there are even advantages to going into Motherhood knowing you're a single parent from the get go. I had children with a fucking idiot and had to emerge from the rubble and ashes with two under 3. You can do this and you don't need him. You can deflect questions or you can say you aren't ready to talk about it yet. word will get out of course but you are not responsible for that. Take yourself off social media, it's a platform for all the wrong things (some of the right things too) but you can get support on mn and just stay connected to the people you know you can trust.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 19/04/2019 14:44

If you don't want an abortion then don't have an abortion. Don't let him push you in to anything. His decision in the matter stopped when he failed to prevent pregnancy. This part is up to you now. How involved he wants to be, beyond maying maintenance, is up to him. And what truths or lies he has to tell his partner is his shit to sort out.

Also, it's nobody's business who the father of your child is. If you dont want to name him when anyone asks then a simple "no one important" will do.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 19/04/2019 14:50

op

Can I ask how old you are? I don't wish to sound patronising at all but it would help to know if you are young with regards to a late abortion.

Please ignore the posters who are berating you, that's the last thing you need at the moment.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/04/2019 14:51

Stop seeing him and get tested for STDs given the unprotected sex.

If he won't come with you, you can't name him in the birth certificate so it will be blank. You'll just have to tell your chid the truth of the situation, you owe them that at the very least,

An affair is always horrid, it's always the innocent parties that get hurt rarely the two people causing the damage.

ShinyShoe · 19/04/2019 15:00

What an awful situation. He’s probably saying all of this because he doesn’t want to pay maintenance. Does the GF know about you? Does she know you’re pregnant?

AgentJohnson · 19/04/2019 15:05

Oh come on OP,! Wake up, his only concern is his and your shady behaviour seeing the light of day. Name him on the birth certificate or don’t, claim child maintenance or don’t but do stop holding out for him to give a shit.

CJsGoldfish · 19/04/2019 15:06

Has no one on MN heard of safe sex?

He has no right to tell you to have an abortion. If he felt so strongly about not having a baby he should have ensured he was protected.
I'm not sure why you wanted to have a baby with a man who was cheating on someone else? What is it about this low life that made you think he'd be a great role model for any child/children you'd have?

Whole situation is fucked but overall, he has no right to make any demand

SadOtter · 19/04/2019 15:08

I have considered this but I either have to make up a person (which in the age of social media would be a stupid thing to do) or say I don’t know who the father is which makes me look worse than I already will do.

Or, if people ask who the father is you can just tell them 'it doesn't matter because he's a bit of a dick and doesn't want to know' or just 'he's not around' Only person with any right to know is DC when they grow up. DS' dad isn't around, very few people in real life know why, even fewer know who he is, I just go 'its a long story, he's not involved' if I think someone needs to know then I will tell them but its not been much of an issue.

You can claim maintenance without telling people in general who he is, obviously you'd have to tell CMS if he refused to do it through a private arrangement but you wouldn't have to tell anyone who actually knows you.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 19/04/2019 15:13

Has no one on MN heard of safe sex?

No. There are an unbelievable amount of accidents and contraceptive failures and 'can't terminate'.

Original poster
Confusedmum2b · 19/04/2019 15:30

I’d just like to clarify that I was on the pill so yes I have heard of contraception.
I have also had a previous abortion which is why I ‘cant’ do it again.
But judge away, it’s something i’m going to have to get used to.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 19/04/2019 15:34

I lost all sympathy for you when I read you've been having an affair. I wonder if she's a poster on here. Do give us some identifying information so we can see whose partner you're shagging.

The child is the one that matters here and if you are going to have and keep the baby they deserve to know at least the fathers name. He should pay maintenance too.

Did you have a double contraception failure ?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/04/2019 15:34

Don’t be bullied OP- you won’t be able to put him on the birth certificate if he doesn’t attend the registering, make sure you give your child your surname and make sure he pays maintenance!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/04/2019 15:35

SunshineCake
No ones condoning the affair, the issue here is a man trying to bully a woman into an abortion to save his sorry ass! OP is facing her consequences of her actions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2019 15:38

Hi confused
It sounds as if he’s not the man you’d want him to be. The thing you need to ask yourself is who is it best for to abort? It doesn’t sound like you as it will adversely affect your mental health. So unless there’s a very good reason to abort I wouldn’t. Time to tell him to eff off. He’s hardly an honourable man if he’s prepared to cheat on his partner.

How old are you? And him? Do you feel manipulated?

Mitzicoco · 19/04/2019 15:40

Oh OP I feel for you I really do! What a terribly difficult situation you are in. I don't have any advice except go with your gut instinct. Sending you a hug!