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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband used ‘massage’ parlours numerous times. How to move on?

207 replies

Bengal12 · 17/04/2019 18:03

So I’ve found out that my husband of 9 years have made repeat visits to ‘massage’ parlours for ‘happy endings’.
Found a couple of old messages on his iPad by accident and confronted him straight away. He denied it for a week claiming it was just a fantasy but both messages had him saying ‘I’m in the street, what’s your door number’ so I refused to believe him. He eventually fessed up but it took him a week where I was in a complete shock, could not sleep, eat or focus.
He tried to play it down saying that although it’s been going on for 5 months, he only had gone a couple of times.
Well, by this stage I had cross checked his blocked numbers against his car satnav and google searching the number + massage and I knew it was more than that.
Cut the long story short, he finally said that it was more like 10 times and gave me full access to his phone and iCloud so i accessed all his old deleted WhatsApp messages and I know it was actually 12 times he paid the hookers to get his end away. He claims it was ‘just’ hand jobs at the end of a naked body to body massage but there are 5 messages where he asks if they would do full Dec with the massage. Each time the response is ‘no’ but that does not mean that he could not have called to book full sex with someone else... not that it would make it any worse as he has done enough to make me feel disgusted and utterly betrayed.
Yet... I am still thinking that we should give our relationship a go, I do love him.
Let’s be clear, I do t need him and I have lived by myself before - perfectly happily. But other than this the relationship was perfect! Can’t believe I’m even saying this as clearly it was not but we had good sex life, lovely holidays and a good social life.
He is not sure why he did it, says the first time it happened it was after a normal massage - she offered him an extra and he did not say no... and then he got a taste for it and. Kept going. He also says that he was worried about not being able to come as often as he used to (I’d every night) but he is in his late forties! And I thought I made it clear to him that I did not mind - because I did not. He has always complimented me on my figure/ looks etc and says it has nothing to do with me not being sexy enough, it’s just his stupidity.
I want us to stay together but it’s been over 2 months since I found out and I’m still having thoughts about him actually paying someone to wxxnk him off and other women sliding their pert bodies over his.
I was a complete wreck for a month but have pulled myself together out of the black hole and I’m now starting to think logically. But perhaps I should think with my heart? Opinions and experiences welcome...

OP posts:
yogagirl22 · 18/04/2019 22:11

Hearhere 🙏 and to all the other ladies who have endured/enduring this.
He got a new girlfriend now but I know 100% he still doing it. Its not addiction its a choice and they choose to continue. I feel sorry for her really he should just stay single. I am good now but it scarred me. I cant deal with stress at all and only work part time. A big part is looking why you choose to stand by these men. It took a long time to understand as women we dont have to be 'nice forgiving loyal and understanding' if it crosses our boundaries. Luckily we had no children together and because I effectively got the lot financially I could cut ties with him. But the whole 12 years was a sham as I never could reconcile with the loving devoted and warm husband with the cold calculating and manipulitive man. I still dont know what was real. But once you leave it really does get better just regret not getting out the first time.

Lala1989 · 15/04/2021 12:21

Could you please tell me how you found deleted whatsapp messages? Please!!

Daleksatemyshed · 15/04/2021 14:09

I'm sorry you're going through this Op, sorry he's turned out to be just another rat who thinks with his dick. Someone posted on MN that her DH gave her lovely gifts on random days, turned out every time he was unfaithful he got her beautiful gifts. Sadly your DH sounds just the same.
I won't tell you what you should do but I know for me once I lost trust in a man and all respect for him I would have to go

Washingtofold · 15/04/2021 14:26

OP I havnt read your whole post so apologies if this has been asked or mentioned but I see your counsellor seems very slanted towards you staying
Is she by chance a religiously based counsellor or have a religious ethos . They tend to have a save the marriage at all costs and in many faiths men are seen as ‘ the head of women ‘.
If so a secular and highly skilled counsellor who knows about the sex industry and gender equality / power dynamics may be able to give you more helpful and empowering support . Someone with this type of knowledge who is not bogged down in religious dogma about gender is pretty important too when dealing with someone who has used Sex workers
I don’t know if that’s even the case with your counsellor but I thought it worth mentioning
There are organisations that help people get in touch with secular counsellors in most areas

Arrivederla · 15/04/2021 14:44

Zombie!!!

ElspethFlashman · 15/04/2021 15:14

The amount of people resurrecting Zombie threads in the past few days has been TOO DAMN HIGH!

Daleksatemyshed · 15/04/2021 16:09

I don't think anyone means to do it Hmm. Old threads keep showing up on the front page so they look like new threads.

BarbieBrat · 15/04/2021 16:31

If it helps every time you think about their body’s remember he wouldn’t have a cat in hells chance of them doing that without the cash. I’ve been a SW (not by choice and not anymore) we don’t want the dirty old fuckers we want their money.

EarthSight · 15/04/2021 16:33

@Bengal12

Perhaps I am not thinking logically after all. I’ve been seeing a counsellor and she keeps saying that we do have strong relationship worth fighting for. I have been through all the arguments you have put forward with her and she said that trust will take a long time to rebuild but a lot of marriages end up stronger after an infidelity. However, in my mind this could only be true if there was a reason for adultery and the reason had been addressed. Ie not enough communication or sex - for whatever reason- in the relationship. So if you fix the underlying problem, logically, this would give me reassurance that he would not reoffend. But in my case I think we have a personality flaw. It just seems so unreal! All my friends in whom I’ve confided were extremely shocked, all of them said that they would have never suspected him!
I'm finding it difficult to believe that a responsible councillor would make such an assured statement. Only you know if your relationship is worth fighting for.

It's up to you what you want in life and what you think is worth paying the price for. If you want a so called caring husband who cheats on you and has sexual relations with prostitutes, who's a liability, who might have exposed you to STIs already, then that's your choice to make. I wonder if you really know your husband as well as you think you do and what else you don't know.

EarthSight · 15/04/2021 16:34

Ughh...ZOMBIE THREAD

Servalan · 17/04/2021 13:09

If I were you I'd find another counsellor. WTAF?!!!

TimeWillHeal · 17/04/2021 13:22

I have lived what you’re going through. I can tell you wholeheartedly that what you know is likely only the tip of the iceberg. These men compartmentalise. This behaviour is compulsive. He will not stop doing it. You can be sure he’s done more. I bet there’s a kink too that you’re as yet (or maybe not...) unaware of. The trust is broken. You’ll not be able to feel the same way about him again. You can reconcile and perhaps think you can live with it, because he’s such a ‘sweetie’ but I suspect not. This behaviour is hugely corrosive. Their attitude to women is appalling. It’s nothing to do with you, or your sex life. It’s an extra. He wants to do it and that’s that. Keep your wits about you, especially financially. I am staggered at the money my ex burned through. Six figures. Good luck!

Marineboy67 · 17/04/2021 16:59

Digging up the dead again....boring

CoconutMaracas · 17/04/2021 19:33

You’ve survived fine without him before. He will do it again because it’s thrilling. It’s a gross way to treat women and objectify them. Even when confronted he continued to lie and you only found the full picture through your own detective work. He’s a liar. He can lie to your face. He isn’t that genuine nice guy, that is one side but there’s this other part of him too, which is the same person. Therefore, he’s not a nice guy.
You don’t have to tell your parents immediately but move him out and start healing yourself. You can tell your parents you’re splitting when you’re sure and comfortable. There’s no rush. Don’t let them be the reason you stayed. If my dd stayed with a guy like this because she was worried what I’d think about her second marriage ending - I’d cry my eyes out. Your parents , I’m sure, would not want you with someone like this. He’s a dirty old man

CoconutMaracas · 17/04/2021 19:35

Argh 🧟‍♂️ perhaps @Bengal12 can tell us what she did in the end

Bengal12 · 18/04/2021 08:24

Reader, I ditched the bastardGrin.
Not immediately, took more than a year since my post here to realise I will never forget. I did forgive him - to err is human - and we lived a semi-content existence (to a casual observer). But the trust was gone and every time he’d call to say he was running late I would doubt his explanation and reach for his iPad and hit the Find my Device app to confirm his whereabouts by checking his phone location. And every time he set off early for work, I’d do the same and when the app invariably confirmed that he was in the office, I’d wonder if he was perhaps, having it off with the cleaner, or left the phone on his desk and arranged a little rub&tug nearby.
We we’re having sex and, technically, it was working fine for a bit. For me. If I thought about Antonio Banderas or Adan Canto. Less so for him and he would cry and say I felt distant and repeatedly ask me if I loved him. To which I would say ‘of course I love you’ out loud. And quickly add ‘NOT AT ALL, in my mind. I guess some of you will find the idea of having sex with a confirmed sleazebag appalling and I can see your point. But it turned out that I am able of compartmentalising as well. So the less judgemental, but curious amongst you, my thought process was: I’ve had him checked for STDs, I need my pipes cleaned, he’s available. End of. And it worked for a bit but I finally (Aug 20) got to the point that I realised that a) I don’t love him, b) I don’t trust him, c) I don’t need him and d) he dribbles when he sleeps, e) the little sports car that he bought me only a month earlier doesn’t comfortably fit him, my two kids and the huge dog I rescued from Romania. Fido (not his real name), is a crossbreed so you never know what genes have crossed. So can’t blame the lovely volunteers at the rescue for advertising him as ‘medium sized when fully-grown’. There’s nothing medium-sized about him. Anyway, he’s a lovely dog and I digress.

I felt awful when I told him I wanted out, he cried, threatened suicide, ask what he could do to make me change my mind and repeatedly said I was the love of his life. And once he’s realised that my mind was set, tried to threaten me with financial repercussions. I’m not going to go into detail here but I just asked him if he really wanted a fight, fine but did he really want his parents, kids, cousins seeing the texts he sent to the hookers? And has he considered the impact it would have on his teenage daughter to know that her beloved daddy abused girls not that much older than her only because he could afford to and they happened to have been born poor and didn’t have a choice? Amazing how quickly we agreed we would say he ‘just’ cheated. Would it not scar her for life?
I actually asked him if he wanted the car back but he said to keep it. Guess he wanted to have some leverage as he said ‘keep it’.
As for my parents... yes they were disappointed, yes they asked if there was a way could fix things but ultimately they were ok. Not exactly supportive with their ‘you’re too old to find anyone else and who will look after you when you get really old’ comments but that’s pretty much what I expected.
Fido missed him for a long time though, it was sad.
I am rambling. I better stop and take him out for a walk. But in essence, I am happy, single but with a lovely exclusive fwb a few years my junior. Oh, and have I mentioned Botox? Had the lines on my forehead slightly tweaked, worth every penny!

OP posts:
Bengal12 · 18/04/2021 08:30

And I’m sorry for not replying sooner, it seemed strange how the post got resurrected.

OP posts:
Bengal12 · 18/04/2021 08:43

Ps, my lovely fwb does look a little bit like an older Adan Canto (in the right light). So a happy ending after all - pun fully intended.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 18/04/2021 09:24

He sounds so fucked in the head - using prostitutes and when you end the relationship he's all "you're the love of my life" and threatening suicide. Then tried to blackmail/threaten you using financial leverage.

They really need the "front", and the main support/partner alongside their compartmentalised prostitute use, dint they.

Some people's "love" is definitely not worth having.

Very glad to hear you got rid of him and are happy op.

MarshmallowAra · 18/04/2021 09:26

Also fwiw the prostitute s who've posted on here in related threads always day a punter is a punter for life most of the time. They always come back, even after they've declared they're done with it.

Plus reading some UK.puntkng reviews completely confirms your point about the ethics - there are very few women being reviewed on there who are not, reading between the lines, disadvantaged or even coerced. And the punters don't gaf.

CoconutMaracas · 18/04/2021 09:28

Op do glad to read your funny update and that you got rid of him in the end , hurrah !

Shawn302 · 07/09/2024 05:39

I would go cheat on him and let him know how it feels

Shawn302 · 07/09/2024 05:40

I would go cheat on him to show him how it feels

Lindalindalinda · 09/09/2024 20:37

It happened to me. I caught him when i am pregnant on my third trimester, and I went through all his social medias and bank accounts, he did lots lots of woolies cash withdrawals which i find it weird, as he doesnt normally withdraw cash for something he wont spend. And after digging down, he has been paying sex for 2+ years. This is very heartbreaking, and to top up, he lied in every questions that i asked. He apologised and i feel disgusted of him, i asked him to have STD test immidiately, he keeps saying that he wore condoms bla bla and he ensured me that his d1ck is still functioning well, he keeps saying that i am still hot bla bla, which for me it just doesnt make sense, if i am enough for him, why he get his eyes on sexy ladies in social medias and even pay sluts to serve him. I checked every single “activities” he did in all of his social medias. And nothing was about me. I come to realisation that he doenst feel enough of me! Honestly, I just couldnt trust him anymore. Well. knowing that i have a husband who get his d1ck shared with 30+ women has turned me off in bed with him, whenever he tries to kiss or hug, i just feel disgusting. I dont think i can serve him sex anymore and dont know what to do. I will have kid soon, and if i divorce him, i am totally not ready to be a single mom, but if i continue the marriage, i cannot serve him as husband anymore particularly for sex part (dont get me wrong, i enjoy sex with him but just feel disgusted with him now). So either divorce or not, it just have no good ending result for me. So i ended up giving him a second chance with a condition that his 100% salary need to be remitted to me. And i will only leave him $800 a month, and make sure that every year during tax return, he has no other source of income other than those jobs that having pays remitted to me. I even have his bank accounts passwords just to track what is he doing with $800 a month. Even so, i dont know how to explain to him that i want to stop sex activity with him, i just cannot handle him, i feel he is very disgusting, up to a level when i see his d1ck, i cannot turn on.

undercoverdale · 09/09/2024 23:17

I cannot believe this is real. No way would any woman stay with this disgusting bastard. If it is true, fgs get some self respect and dump him today. Disgraceful.

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