Husband used ‘massage’ parlours numerous times. How to move on?

[Bengal12]

So I’ve found out that my husband of 9 years have made repeat visits to ‘massage’ parlours for ‘happy endings’.
Found a couple of old messages on his iPad by accident and confronted him straight away. He denied it for a week claiming it was just a fantasy but both messages had him saying ‘I’m in the street, what’s your door number’ so I refused to believe him. He eventually fessed up but it took him a week where I was in a complete shock, could not sleep, eat or focus.
He tried to play it down saying that although it’s been going on for 5 months, he only had gone a couple of times.
Well, by this stage I had cross checked his blocked numbers against his car satnav and google searching the number + massage and I knew it was more than that.
Cut the long story short, he finally said that it was more like 10 times and gave me full access to his phone and iCloud so i accessed all his old deleted WhatsApp messages and I know it was actually 12 times he paid the hookers to get his end away. He claims it was ‘just’ hand jobs at the end of a naked body to body massage but there are 5 messages where he asks if they would do full Dec with the massage. Each time the response is ‘no’ but that does not mean that he could not have called to book full sex with someone else... not that it would make it any worse as he has done enough to make me feel disgusted and utterly betrayed.
Yet... I am still thinking that we should give our relationship a go, I do love him.
Let’s be clear, I do t need him and I have lived by myself before - perfectly happily. But other than this the relationship was perfect! Can’t believe I’m even saying this as clearly it was not but we had good sex life, lovely holidays and a good social life.
He is not sure why he did it, says the first time it happened it was after a normal massage - she offered him an extra and he did not say no... and then he got a taste for it and. Kept going. He also says that he was worried about not being able to come as often as he used to (I’d every night) but he is in his late forties! And I thought I made it clear to him that I did not mind - because I did not. He has always complimented me on my figure/ looks etc and says it has nothing to do with me not being sexy enough, it’s just his stupidity.
I want us to stay together but it’s been over 2 months since I found out and I’m still having thoughts about him actually paying someone to wxxnk him off and other women sliding their pert bodies over his.
I was a complete wreck for a month but have pulled myself together out of the black hole and I’m now starting to think logically. But perhaps I should think with my heart? Opinions and experiences welcome...

@Bengal12

I too feel stupid and gullible and like a worthless piece of shite! I'm an intelligent woman, cynical and nobody's fool. But yeah I was ... for 20 years!

That was 4 years ago and I'm just getting over it. You have to walk away for your own mental health. I look over my natal threads from over a decade ago and read again about how supportive and loving he was, the sweet things he did. I even read back on one where I was posting that he was going away overnight and was so so concerned that he'd be leaving me alone so close to my due date!

Now I know he was getting a few shags in from OW before baby came and he wouldn't be able to sneak out for a few weeks.

I used to work in a sector that dealt with intelligence gathering and analysing behaviour!! Hahahahahah All that goes out the window when you're in love!!

20 fucking years what a twat I was. Don't be me! You've found it! Could you live like that the rest of your life? No trust?

Mums net is going to tell you, in no uncertain terms, to end the relationship and divorce.

The thing is, they are remote internet keyboard warriors who don't have to live with the day to day fallout of that decision. You do.

It's pretty treacherous behaviour, if you wanted to leave I could see why, but I'd still bring it back to it's a decision you have got to make. Only you can decide if it's catastrophic or not.

I think the fact he didn't come clean, and lied about it, is a problem & perhaps it's the end. It really is only you who can weigh up whether that's the end or not.

In my world, if I had the same, I don't know how I'd react, badly. There would be a lot of soul searching. If I believed I could get that trust back then I'd push on. If it was irreversibly gone then it'd be the end.

Your counsellor sounds like an idiot who should not be practising.

just’ hand jobs at the end of a naked body to body massage

Well that's ok then?

Do you genuinely think you can trust him again?

OP sadly you have to accept that the relationship you thought you had didn't exist. He wasnt a sweet, kind man, he was an adulterous cheat. Hes also exposed your health to potential STDs - herpes and genital warts are not prevented by condoms.

You have a choice - feel crap, always look over your shoulder, get paranoid about further cheating, feel anxious and distrustful forever....or leave him and find happiness elsewhere.

What are the chances that a man who cheated so calculatedly and prolifically wont do so again in the future?

Ps change counsellor, she sounds unprofessional.

Second time I have tried to post this. I don't believe he will have had a cluster fuck of 12 sessions and been the perfect husband prior to this or is capable of being so after either. This behaviour will be part of who and what he is. I had a boss years ago that used contact magazines(prior to the internet) but went for a leg over three doors down when low on funds. He just went a knocking. There would be no trail. You have found 12 but this will be a tiny fraction of the truth OP.

Gosh, didn’t expect so many posts. And so many other things I haven’t considered like the misogyny of it all quite a few of you mentioned. And that he may have suspected that at least some of the salons used trafficked workers. TBH I did not consider it either but I did get annoyed that some of these people would be potentially subsidised by myself as a taxpayer as all the payments were, clearly in cash. In passing, I said that I’d report ever single one of the ‘salons’ to the HMRC for undeclared income. His response? ‘I cannot stop you but as long as it doesn’t come back to bite us because you know what some of THESE people are like.’ He was referring to a documentary we had watched about forced sex workers in Ireland only a few weeks earlier about. I was/have been in too much of a personal direct anguish to even think about this aspect. Ffs, are there normal men out there??

Your therapist is a joke. Strong relationship worth fighting for?
Really?

Yeah and as mentioned above, what if you hadn't found out?

He has NO integrity. I couldn't stay. I wouldn't do that to myself.

Invest in YOU. Stop thinking about him and how to make this shit-show (you didn't ask to be part of) work out.

@CKWattistgemanager ‘clusterfuck’😂
Seriously, he swears that was it and I tend to believe there was nothing before but my issue is the trust - I can’t see how I will ever be able to not look over my shoulder and accept that when he says he was stuck in traffic, he really was stuck in his car. In any case, most of his visits were in the middle of the day (2-3pm) as the nature of his job means he’s out a lot.

The HMRC comment is him trying to stop you. Threats of THESE people
If you can, take some time out of the relationship. Time to consider if you really can trust/believe him. I’m sorry but what he has done is disgusting, but is by no means a reflection of you.

Ffs, are there normal men out there??

Nope. At 47 years old, I have come to the conclusion that there aren't many normal guys out there.
But there's travel, OP. There's travel and hobbies and good friends and dogs!

Personally this would repulse me. Are you still having sex with him? Intend to have sex with him in the future? Knowing this. I simply couldn't.

I have a friend who did this. Her husband actually got caught getting a blow job in his lunch hour in a well known brothel. The marriage is now over, but this wasn't her red line.

I really don't understand how you can have romantic or sexual feelings for a man who cheats on you repeatedly in this sickening manner.

Totally agree with @TheVanguardSix
At 50 I will remain single as I can literally, never trust a man again.
The only decent man I know is my dad.

OP - this will be so hard to move on from.
It will always be there. In the back of your mind.
You won't trust him again.
He's become someone now, that you don't even know.

I always say, with cheating, that we are all different in our response.
Some can work through it. For others it's a complete deal-breaker (me)
But paying for sex!? Just no. No-one should ever be with a person who can do that.
Basically due to all the reasons others have outlined.

Really think about your own moral compass here.
You are in the thick of it.
Step outside of it and imagine this is a friend of yours telling you this.
What is your advice?

For fucks sake, do not believe that he won't be doing this again, as soon as things calm down at home. It is what gets his rocks off. You can't compete with this. You are the wifey at home, who he has had sex with for years (in his eyes boring), whereas what really floats his boat, is illicit sex with prostitutes that are young enough to be his children. Fancy trying to compete with that, for the next 20 years? I don't fucking think so.

He is still lying to you : no above board salon would offer to wank off a client, ffs. If your husband had been offended, he could have gotten her the sack. So, that's a fucking lie.

This isn't a drunken snog at the Christmas party, where he has woken up and been filled with guilt and remorse. This is multiple occasions of him soberly seeking out sex workers, whilst behaving so normally around you, that you had absolutely no suspicion.

The 12 you've found will not be the whole story. No chance. And if he can seek out this paid for sex, you can bet your house that he shags anything that moves whilst away on business/Christmas office party/lads nights out, when he meets women who are up for a bit of sex, and it's free.

You won't change him. He needs this. It's who he is. He will just get better at hiding it. And even if you could change him, and stop this shagging around, do you want a man that is faithful, just because he's on a tight reign, rather than a man who is faithful because he adores the bones of you?

Even is he doesn't cheat again, he will always want sex with other women, he needs it enough to pay for it. He wants it so much, he is willing to risk his whole life as he knows it, to get it. Imagine how strong that desire must be....and think about what a tight grip on him you'll have to have, in order to stop him seeking it out again. Can you be fucking bothered?

I had to re-read Godmothers posts, as her situation was the exact same as mine. 20 years. Continual cheating. He just couldn't stop. I left and now have a lovely DH who is very different. ExH cheated on every woman after me. He now has a serious GF of 4 years and they're moving in together...guess what, he's cheating on her.

I say dump him. Let him shag around until his little cock is on fire. You meanwhile, can rebuild, and in time meet a nice man who doesn't pay women young enough to be his daughter, to jizz in her hands.

@TheVanguardSix, a quote from a podcast I recently listened to: ‘de cerca nadie es normal’ (close up no one is normal😀).

I love all your suggestions, I would add hiking to the list😀. Honestly though, I don’t think I would need a replacement activity if I was to let him go - my work and kids (from my first marriage) as well as friends and hobbies keep me busy- and happy. I am happy with my lot ( excl cheating H).

I Am in my mid forties but I am not worried about not finding someone to get old with. Basically, I am sociable but self-contained.
What I am concerned is the effect on my parents and his kids (mine are not huge fan of his but hide it well) who are quite close to me and in their early teens.
And, I guess part of me still wants to believe that the sweet guy I married is just that and all that crap was completely out of character and we will live happily ever after. #flyingPigs?

I'm sorry, my post is harsh. I just see myself in you, some 11 years ago. It took me 4 long years to leave my ExH. I so wish I'd done it sooner. And I wish I'd known about Mumsnet then, as I had virtually no support.

It wasn't out of character. This is his character.

Bengal12 stop being so naive and lying to yourself. Your H has and is repeatedly lying to you, he's told you as little as he can get away with. You need to get your own sexual health checked and not rely on his alleged text results.

What exactly do you love about this man who is unfaithful to you with paid and probably trafficked prostitutes. If you believe it was just masturbation you are a fool. Oh and ditch the crap therapist.

He is not the sweet man you married though is he?

What I was trying to get across is the 12 occasions you have uncovered are unlikely to be all there is. It's just that those 12 are tech discoverable. This behaviour is likely to be woven into his personality. His promise to give you the house if you catch him again just means that he is certain of not being discovered by the means that he intends to continue this behaviour.
How can you ever look at him let alone shag him? My marriage would be over because I would never wash a sock of his or make him a brew or...anything ever. It would be tits up dead in the water from the moment of discovery.

And, I guess part of me still wants to believe that the sweet guy I married is just that and all that crap was completely out of character and we will live happily ever after. #flyingPigs?

What you are really wishing for is what you had before, and that is just the illusion of him being "sweet". He never was. "Sweet" men do not pay women to wank them off. A "sweet" man would rather be celibate for the rest of his life than pay a woman who is potentially trafficked, desperate, coerced or similar to take part in a sexual encounter she does not want.

It's entirely possible that those 12 occasions are it...but how many more would make a difference? Surely 12 is more than enough to establish this is who he is.

Coupled with the fact his first marriage ended due to infidelity by him... that's exactly who he is. He's a serial cheater. His cheating ending his first marriage and he has continued that pattern of behaviour with you.... who he has a regular sex life with.

I'm sure his Ex wife's version would not tie up with claims of a sexless marriage. Why would you believe it based on recent events?

I couldn't knowingly be with a man who paid for sex. Nope.

It is interesting that your children are none to keen on him, maybe they have picked up an underlying aspect to his character that makes them uncomfortable. He has covered this up for you by all the hearts and flowers, but your children won’t have been blinded by the Mr Nice Guy front in the way you seem to have been.