Husband used ‘massage’ parlours numerous times. How to move on?

[Bengal12]

So I’ve found out that my husband of 9 years have made repeat visits to ‘massage’ parlours for ‘happy endings’.
Found a couple of old messages on his iPad by accident and confronted him straight away. He denied it for a week claiming it was just a fantasy but both messages had him saying ‘I’m in the street, what’s your door number’ so I refused to believe him. He eventually fessed up but it took him a week where I was in a complete shock, could not sleep, eat or focus.
He tried to play it down saying that although it’s been going on for 5 months, he only had gone a couple of times.
Well, by this stage I had cross checked his blocked numbers against his car satnav and google searching the number + massage and I knew it was more than that.
Cut the long story short, he finally said that it was more like 10 times and gave me full access to his phone and iCloud so i accessed all his old deleted WhatsApp messages and I know it was actually 12 times he paid the hookers to get his end away. He claims it was ‘just’ hand jobs at the end of a naked body to body massage but there are 5 messages where he asks if they would do full Dec with the massage. Each time the response is ‘no’ but that does not mean that he could not have called to book full sex with someone else... not that it would make it any worse as he has done enough to make me feel disgusted and utterly betrayed.
Yet... I am still thinking that we should give our relationship a go, I do love him.
Let’s be clear, I do t need him and I have lived by myself before - perfectly happily. But other than this the relationship was perfect! Can’t believe I’m even saying this as clearly it was not but we had good sex life, lovely holidays and a good social life.
He is not sure why he did it, says the first time it happened it was after a normal massage - she offered him an extra and he did not say no... and then he got a taste for it and. Kept going. He also says that he was worried about not being able to come as often as he used to (I’d every night) but he is in his late forties! And I thought I made it clear to him that I did not mind - because I did not. He has always complimented me on my figure/ looks etc and says it has nothing to do with me not being sexy enough, it’s just his stupidity.
I want us to stay together but it’s been over 2 months since I found out and I’m still having thoughts about him actually paying someone to wxxnk him off and other women sliding their pert bodies over his.
I was a complete wreck for a month but have pulled myself together out of the black hole and I’m now starting to think logically. But perhaps I should think with my heart? Opinions and experiences welcome...

Is this counsellor BACP registered?

She seems to give far too much of her personal opinion.

Do you know what her approach is? For example person centred, psychodynamic?

Oh so his fat ego felt bruised by you being more successful than him so his remedy was to pay to dehumanise another woman rather than up his game - Nice. He sounds like a total Prince.

he has not said why he kept going (and would have kept going). He says he cannot understand it himself.

He kept going be cause he enjoyed it and was getting away with it.

There is no other answer. This isn't an affair where he was getting blackmailed to stay with the woman...as many tend to say as an excuse.

He actively called and paid every single time. How often do you go back to a place you don't like and pay for the pleasure?

His reason for the first marriage ending is doubtful after this...because he's shown that even when getting regular sex at home, he'll still go hunting for it.

his remedy was to pay to dehumanise another woman

While he's in.the wrong here, I can't say I agree with this. The masseuse wanted extra cash and that's why they offer happy endings.

He's not dehumanising her. If there's any dehumanising, she's doing that herself.... but that's a whole other discussion and it's best not to derail the thread.

Google sex addiction - this is very typical behaviour. Does he look at a lot of porn too? He needs specific therapy from a registered sex addiction therapist. You too need therapy to help get over the betrayal. To stay or not , that depends on many factors.

"Sex addiction"....what bollocks. There is always a few apologists. Are you a counsellor too Bozzle ?

Bottom line:

Can you accept a relationship which is not monogamous?

There are plenty of healthy relationships out there which are not the "YOU MUST ONLY HAVE SEX WITH ME NOW I HAVE THE MARRIAGE CERT" norm.

If you are happy to accept that he gets his jollies with other people, and you have the freedom to have sex with other people too, then crack on.

If you need monogamy then this is not the man for you.

Oh, love.

Your husband is repeatedly using sex workers.

Come on. You KNOW you’re worth more than this.

I am glad I am not the only one absolutely staggered by your counsellors ‘advice’. She should NOT be telling you it’s worth fighting for even if that is what she privately thinks! She should be helping you explore and manage your feelings so you can cope with what has happened and work out what is best for YOU. Agree with a previous poster who suggested checking if she is BACP registered. Regardless, if you can face it, try another counsellor.

I'm just wondering where on earth you found this counsellor

To be honest, I was thinking possible sex addiction too - but that wouldn't excuse his behaviour and doesn't mean you are in any way obliged to stay with him. I certainly wouldn't.

Fight for this relationship?? Who are you going to fight?

He's not dehumanising her. If there's any dehumanising, she's doing that herself....

Any sexual encounter that is a) not mutual ie both people want the sex not anything else and b) where money is used as a proxy for consent, is about power. Paying for the use of another person's body and sexuality is dehumanising, always. He wants to fuck women that he doesn't have to bother considering as fully human and because of this, his wife will never be enough (or actually be too much) for him.

but that's a whole other discussion and it's best not to derail the thread.

Erm, you're not the thread police and if you didn't think it warranted discussion, I wonder why you made a point of discussing it? You don't get to come on at put your view across and then tell other posters that they are now not allowed to comment about it.

And actually I think it goes to the very heart of the OP's problem. The OP has a husband who has no respect for women. Any women. He won't change because he doesn't want to - he's got his cake and he's eating it.

My dad cheated too and when my parents went to a (female) marriage counselor my dad had her charmed - not to mention he was paying the therapy bill. The counselor told my Mother that my Dad worked hard and had a stressful executive job and is therefore perfectly entitled to have a mistress.

His description makes a hand job sound like heroin. He was just offered it, didn't say no, then got a taste for it? If that's the case, I'm next in like to the throne.

Logically, my own future wouldn't have a man like this in it.

Sex addict my arse, more like panting dog with 10 dicks humping a cushion.

It wouldn't surprise me if this is just the tip of a very large iceberg....

Your heart and soul know you're doing yourself a massive disservice staying which is why the "counselling" doesn't sit right with you and you feel worse after the sessions.

Any decent therapist would tell you that if it affects your mental health and peace of mind turn your back on it, be that parental, friendship or romantic relationship.

What he's done is repulsive and the fact he had to be caught and didn't stop of his own accord suggests to me a pretty much innevitable chance of him repeating this behaviour.

I think you're wasting your time with this

He didn’t go for a legit massage at a salon and suddenly get offered a “ happy ending”. That’s not what happens.

He went to a place where women are prostituted and he bought sexual services. Or as many people see it, he abused her.

He’s still lying to you.

I couldn't forgive that happening once, but that many times..

@Bengal12

First of all - whether or not you need to leave is entirely up to YOU...
Not what anyone here or anywhere says.
And what counsellor said is true - in real life (outside of MN) - most affairs do not lead to divorce. Many, many people stay and get trough infidelity....

Second - look up Esther Perel.
She has a book that might give you some answers on why... And maybe even some ideas on how to go through this all.
She is a couples therapist working with infidelity for years.
She also does talks - look her up on you tube.

Whichever way you decide to go - good luck.

Bengal, I disagree with your therapist that you “have a strong relationship worth fighting for.” In my opinion, it is not best practice to advise a client to stay with a partner who repeatedly uses sex workers.

Your husband has degraded you and your marriage. He has abused your trust and treated you with utter contempt. He was willing to put your sexual health at risk. He only ceased his sleazy cheating when you caught him.

It is likely that he has only temporarily stopped using prostitutes, and will resume when he can work out a new route of deception. You will likely never know the extent of his previous duplicity.

He is “very good at” making you feel special, all the while making a mockery of you with his lies and sordid back-room sex.

No amount of jewelry, flowers, holidays, housework, or promises could ever convince me to trust this man again.

I think as well as the lying, cheating, planning, betrayal and general shittiness, I couldn't forgive the use of other women in this way.

There was a repulsive survey where they asked men who used prostitutes about trafficking. Most of them knew it was entirely possible that the women were trafficked, didn't ask, didn't check and didn't care. Massage parlours are frequently fronts for sex slavery. He doesn't care whether the many women he did this with are doing it through desperation, addiction, sex slavery. Couldn't give a shit.

I mean could you have sex with some lovely younger man if you knew he absolutely didn't want to and was doing it for the money? I couldn't. But your DH could.

Josuk rtft

Op's john of a husband hasn't had an "affair" he's been fucking prostitutes

If you have such a strong relationship why did he cheat on you with prostitutes multiple times? I’m afraid I would be out the door after this.

Get the post nup. Wait for him to cheat then divorce his sleazy arse.

Is this counsellor a relationship counsellor specifically, and one you went to asking for help to stay in the relationship?

Or one through your church or something?

What are they counselling you for?

I Think on some occasions infidelity can be forgiven depending on the circumstances,. But this occasion is definitely not one of them..... Not only has your husband actively sought out to PAY for SEX on not just one occasion but over many times.... AND lied repeatedly to you about what he did, instead of Having the common decency to come clean with you about what he's been upto.

There would be absolutely not trust at all left for me, for far far less of a situation that you have found yourself in.

You deserve so much better OP. Do not live out your life with this lying cheating man.

Sending you strength to get through this, you sound like you're still in shock to me X