Husband used ‘massage’ parlours numerous times. How to move on?

[Bengal12]

So I’ve found out that my husband of 9 years have made repeat visits to ‘massage’ parlours for ‘happy endings’.
Found a couple of old messages on his iPad by accident and confronted him straight away. He denied it for a week claiming it was just a fantasy but both messages had him saying ‘I’m in the street, what’s your door number’ so I refused to believe him. He eventually fessed up but it took him a week where I was in a complete shock, could not sleep, eat or focus.
He tried to play it down saying that although it’s been going on for 5 months, he only had gone a couple of times.
Well, by this stage I had cross checked his blocked numbers against his car satnav and google searching the number + massage and I knew it was more than that.
Cut the long story short, he finally said that it was more like 10 times and gave me full access to his phone and iCloud so i accessed all his old deleted WhatsApp messages and I know it was actually 12 times he paid the hookers to get his end away. He claims it was ‘just’ hand jobs at the end of a naked body to body massage but there are 5 messages where he asks if they would do full Dec with the massage. Each time the response is ‘no’ but that does not mean that he could not have called to book full sex with someone else... not that it would make it any worse as he has done enough to make me feel disgusted and utterly betrayed.
Yet... I am still thinking that we should give our relationship a go, I do love him.
Let’s be clear, I do t need him and I have lived by myself before - perfectly happily. But other than this the relationship was perfect! Can’t believe I’m even saying this as clearly it was not but we had good sex life, lovely holidays and a good social life.
He is not sure why he did it, says the first time it happened it was after a normal massage - she offered him an extra and he did not say no... and then he got a taste for it and. Kept going. He also says that he was worried about not being able to come as often as he used to (I’d every night) but he is in his late forties! And I thought I made it clear to him that I did not mind - because I did not. He has always complimented me on my figure/ looks etc and says it has nothing to do with me not being sexy enough, it’s just his stupidity.
I want us to stay together but it’s been over 2 months since I found out and I’m still having thoughts about him actually paying someone to wxxnk him off and other women sliding their pert bodies over his.
I was a complete wreck for a month but have pulled myself together out of the black hole and I’m now starting to think logically. But perhaps I should think with my heart? Opinions and experiences welcome...

OP you do sound amazingly well balanced and self aware despite what you are going through (even if you might feel like one of those ducks with feet paddling furiously under water!). You’ve gone out straight away and tried to do what you can to help yourself, rather than collapsing into a snivelling heap.

I do admire you in doing this. However I do also agree in taking time to come to terms in what’s happening and deciding what to do for the best - for you!

I’ve tried a couple of counsellors in the past for different places things...both rubbish for my situation! It will be interesting for you now to see someone different - it might work better and give you a different perspective. Hopefully all of it, including what you read on here, will help you decide what to do.

Thank you 🙏

You'll see how fast the mysogynistic hypocrite shows his true colors

• so true!

We were having this argument at a dinner party when newly married. Fine, nothing wrong with it ...

but they were horrified when we wives said, ok we will do it then.

their sex life was non existent and he had an affair.

it is astonishing how we believe their version of events and just accept it unquestioningly. In the future I would never just take a man's word for how his marriage failed.

There will always be a phone call to the ex for what really happened.

Oh my ..

You sound like a nice lady.
What are you doing here, in this situation.

He's a skeezy, creepy, degenerate, sex worker using, lying, deceitful, no integrity weirdo - who stood in front of your combined family and friends declaring you were each others partner in life, including monogamy; and then went and hand jobs etc from (probably exploited) Thai prostitutes (and asked for more) behind your back, and came back to your home with your children and acted like he'd done nothing out of the ordinary - 11 (?) Fkg times.

You didn't know who he was, you know now. He doesn't exist as the man you thought you knew and loved.

(I'll tell you who needs counseling - him. As to why he's wasting his time and life in such a charade ; more importantly wasting your life in such a charade. Not that it would work).

(the counseling for him, that is).

Oh and a bit of armchair psychology - he doesn't think of himself as a punter, as a sex worker user, and doesn't want to. That's why he asks (dodgy) massage outfits if they'll do sex, rather than just using an escort or prostitute. He'd not a punter, he's not a prostitute user, he'd just a man who gets relaxing massages with "extras".

He fills himself and he's trying to fool you, and is nicely fking your head up with his attempted jedi mind trick. He's a lovely guy who doesn't do "this".

*He's
*Fools

Ugh. Not cheating because he's met someone, felt horny and got carried away. But has actively sought out potentially coerced women to pay for sexual acts with. Gross. Kick him out.

I know two guys that have done this. Bloke 1 ended up having a full on affair with the prostotute. Bloke 2 did exactly what you're describing and I know he was actively seeking out a partner(s) to have an affair with after his previous one dumped him. Scum bag. Couldn't be bothered to leave his wife because she had money. I hope it's not you

You are so right Morality. Exactly the two blokes I've described - well off, middle class guys with good jobs who might even describe themselves as feminists

Look, no one can force you to LTB - it can only ever be your decision but you are between a rock and a hard place. Staying will destroy every shred of your self respect and esteem. It will eat you from the inside out and you will end up a shell of a woman. Leaving is just as hard but in a different way. It is a form of bereavement, for the life you had before and the woman that you were and this bastard of a man has put you in this position. It is truly shit and I'm sorry that you are going through it. You know the old saying though......when you are going through hell.......keep going!!

OP - perhaps your own children are a lot more perspective than you think in terms of seeing through his character (- and I don't mean that in a negative way towards you).

not a lot more! have a lot more perspective...

@Moralitym1n1 yep, he def doesn’t think of himself as a punter. It’s all adding up now. He actually said that he was fooling himself that happy endings were not real infidelity.
(I did point out that I don’t make a habit of getting finger-fkd every time I get a pedicure.) so I can see that by looking for full sex in these type of places rather than with ‘true’ escorts he would have been able to give himself an absolution if it happened.
Or perhaps it did happen, I’ll never know.
His father was a serial cheater, had about 6 long term affairs, my mother in law tolerated them - for whatever her reasons were (no options/cultural conditioning).
So, joining you for some armchair psychology, the messages he received in his formative years were: you can cheat and still hold on to your wife + throw ££ at it (she has some impressive jewellery she never wears). His mum suffered but it would take about a month for things to go back to ‘normal’ which is probably what he subconsciously expected would happen with us...
Not making excuses for him, simply sharing thoughts as they occur to me.

The chances are extremely high that he'll do it again.

He has done it so often he has normalised it.

Interesting connections there OP. Hard for you and there will be so much pressure from mn to simply LTB but equally, based on what you know about his upbringing, do you want to go on perpetuating the cycle.

There's no easy answer. Keep ruminating here. It seems helpful for you

I did point out that I don’t make a habit of getting finger-fkd every time I get a pedicure.

.

Witty as well as everything else good you come across as - you don't deserve this, you don't need to be in this position, you shouldn't be; if you were my mum/sister/friend I'd hate this guy's fkg guts and want you away from him.

The parents situation/background is depressing and somewhat explanatory (also did you see that researchers believe predisposition to infidelity is often hereditary/genetic).

I'd be v interested to know the real circumstances of the breakdown of his previous relationships esp marriage (he's been married before hasn't he, was he the person who said he'd cheated due to lack of sex?).

Ruggypeg's post days everything else I'd like to say.

Forgot to say - so handjobs (and whatever else he managed to get, he was certainly looking for more) from masseurs/sex workers is neither "real" infidelity nor real prostitution .. well how very fkg convenient for him.

Unfortunately it is both to me and I'd wager most of the test of the population.

Would you paying for intimate massages including fingering etc (and whatever else, including you asking if you could get full sex) not be infidelity or sex work on the masseur's part either? But we don't need to think about that cause in his world, men do it and women out up with it (if the right things are bought and the right words said).

• rest
• put up with

I wish I didnt have to add my story to this as I always feel compelled to on these threads (so deep is the trauma still)
Mine was also a second marriage and I am an educated woman with a professional career or was until I had repeated mental breakdowns.
Same story but also porn, dating apps, hook up apps, webcam sex massage parlours escorts and who really knows what else?
I became very good at researching computers almost obsessional as a distraction to deal with it all. Even when picking up an emergency passport some 100 miles away I found escort searches.
It took 4 years of gaslighting, minimising, I contracted genital warts, had several severe mental health breakdowns was admitted to mental hospital and on one occassion when really ill and drinking to cope smashed up my living room and got carted away by police.
That 'man' cost me both my physical and mental health my career and dignity.
But I loved him.
I forgave him.
He got very good at hiding it secret phones and we moved house for a fresh start.
I told him that if he did anything again I would divorce him. Well it took just another six months and I got signs he was at it again. I checked ( by now he thought I was such a fool and would stay whatever he did) pics at work in his uniform utterly obscene.
My son from first marriage was due to finish college so I starting putting money aside did up the house with a credit card in his name. After a few months I confronted him with evidence and screenshots and put house up for sale. Told him I getting the lot or I would send pics to work ( public place instant dismissal) and left. 4 YEARS
I was so broken by that point I had to see a physchologist for disasosiative fugue and PSTD. I have since come to terms with never even knowing this man. I took myself to Asia and lived in a meditation retreat for months as the alternative to stop the suicidal thought. I had never had depression in my life.
Now I am happily engaged to a wonderful man and life is good but I still get flashbooks and melencholic moods if triggered.
Dont be me. You sound a nice person.
Men who love dont do this. Had you never discovered it this would be still going on. Now he will suck it up and hide it better until the next time. These girls are somebodys daughter what if it was your daughter?
This behaviour escalates. In your heart you know the truth. Get support watch dirty John on Netflix. Get Angry. Start working on an exit plan and save the money on that useless counsellor on a solicitor instead.
I truly believed he was the love of my life but I was just a respectable cover for his true lifestyle.
Yeah you can go through motions to make it work maybe fake it until you make it. But deep down you know this is nothing like love and you know your worth. Good luck I hope it works out. In fact if you go it will in time and like me wonder what in earth attracted you to this vile individual.

He did that 12 times. Then lied to you about it.

That's disgusting behaviour

@Yogagirl that sounds like hell
I'm glad you're ok now🌞
I do wonder what happened to your ex though, he is surely on a path toa bad ending, not that he deserves anything else but he must be messed up to do all that kind of stuff?

I think he is still lying. You don’t yet know the whole story. If you are considering forgiving and staying (I wouldn’t), then you need to know what you are forgiving.

He was actively seeking full sex from the prostitutes at these erotic massage parlors/brothels. He likely did have full sex. As @anonforthespies43267 said, these establishments are too cautious to answer ‘yes’ in messages/calls, but in reality they do offer full sex. I think if he was seeking, he was finding.

If you think he is still minimizing, get angry and tell him you aren’t prepared to even consider staying until you have the whole truth. I would make him leave while you are processing.

His earliest lessons in life taught him that women are mugs and men can do whatever they want that's how he's been programmed