Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

[cocomocha]

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

Sorry to hear this. Do you what though, your hormones are probably still trying to settle down from your baby, you’re tired (no man truly understands this unless they have given birth, then gets up numerous times a night to feed and change, therefore not recovering from the birth), guilt, stress etc etc, that all you felt like you could do is lash out. Many people have been there. Talk to him say sorry but explain your worries and tiredness.

Thanks for your reply, you may be right about being hormonal and I'm finding going back to work tough but don't feel I can complain as it's PT and many people have to go back FT after a baby. I just miss being on ML and as this is most likely my last baby I'm feeling extra sensitive. DH just tells me to grow up.

He did not necessarily pick the best time to talk about money. At all. But hitting him is extreme. What is your relationship like when you've not got all this pressure?

That sounds awful! I feel like lashing out was your last ditch attempt just to get him to stop verbally abusing you.
He was gaslighting. You tried to bring up finances and have a conversation and he went right in for the attack and shouted you into tears! That's shocking.

For context my dd is 10 months. I'm self employed and just started working again feeling guilty about leaving her and after taking such a long break from it it's taking awhile for money to start coming in. DH can just about pay the bills but we're struggling. I also have PND and it's setting me back. I got panicky spoke to him about it spending the other day, he gave me a cuddle and said he'd pick up some overtime. We agreed id do more of the housework to cover his ot until my wages picked up.
Thats how a man should react, please don't feel guilty for what you did he should be the one apologising!

Is this how he treats you generally . It sounds to me you are in a very unhealthy relationship and none of this is healthy for you or the children

Lots of people go back part time too and make it work!
Joint finances is surely the way to go? You share a baby, you share all finances surely?
With studying too, don’t be so hard on yourself.
But yes, don’t strike out at your partner, kids there or not.

You tried to bring up finances and have a conversation and he went right in for the attack and shouted you into tears

No, he brought up finances and OP got upset. Not the other way around.

You've just physically abused your dh in front of your dc.

You need to get help.

If your dh had come on here asking for advice I'd be suggesting that he asks you to leave because violence is never acceptable and only trends to get worse. And you shouldn't take the dc with you because you did it in front of them and so aren't safe to parent them

Have you thought about talking to someone, like your GP or health visitor? Your reaction was extreme and not something someone would normally do if everything was generally okay.

Have you sat down as a couple to reassure your child about what happened?

Domestic violence is never acceptable, even more so in front of children.

He shouldn’t have verbally attacked you but there’s never an excuse for hitting someone. When you talk to him about it don’t use what he did to justify what you did.
I don’t really know what to suggest but whatever the situation you need to make sure it never escalates that far again.
Can you arrange somehow to have some time with just your DH to talk about the finances and what’s causing arguments? Money and part time work is a very sensitive subject for me and DH too and we’ve agreed not to talk about it in the car at times as having an argument in the car is the worst possible place

Also as well as exposing your dc to abuse, you put everyone in that case in danger.

I don't buy the being hormonal excuse. How many of us on here have been hormonal, severely under stress and haven't hit someone? You don't get a free pass because you're a woman.

Really, move out. Get help. And I hope you're dh reports your attack

Autocorrect: you put everyone in that car in danger

I think you're both as bad as each other. He's suggested doung a budget (perfectly reasonable) and you've manifested this to mean you need to work more all the pressure is on you etc. No. He want to bring all money together, work out bills and see what position you're in.
He shouldnt shout and you shouldn't hit.
Interesting you refused to show him your bank account though...

He was gaslighting. You tried to bring up finances and have a conversation and he went right in for the attack and shouted you into tears! That's shocking.

Come on atleast read the OP before automatically assigning the abusive role to the male.

Sorry OP, but my dp was like you for a long time. Head in sand, doesn’t want to discuss finances, always a wrong time to discuss and budget, not listening to what I’m saying (like you assuming all I’m bothered about is him getting a larger salary instead of actually growing up and planning what we spend on). All the while I was sinking, trying to make sure we weren’t living payday to payday.

It is exhausting being the one to worry about these things, and yes if my dp had broken down to avoid talking about money I would want to see where his was going.

if you have your own bank accounts that's fair enough, but i think it would be reasonable to share your banking with him at present, even if it's to reassure him that you haven't got a stash hidden that might help out until you get paid.
are there any benefits you could claim like tax credit ?

It sounds like you need to seek help. You physically assaulted someone

If you were the victim, I would be suggesting that you leave your husband and take the children to keep them safe. I think you need to be very honest with yourself about how bad this is.

I’m in no way saying that what your husband did was ok either. But, there is never any excuse to attack someone.

You hit your DH infront of your kids? While he was driving? You need serious help OP and maybe start thinking about a divorce as this won't be the last time something like this happens, now you've hit once you will eventually do it again.

You are at a crisis point. Get help.

Have you a free money advice bureau or similar where you are? Get an urgent appointment.

It is very hard to sort where the problem is when you have such a small baby, are worried about finances, studying and are exhausted.

You need to get help to cut the hassle out of your life, then you will be able to decide what to do about your relationship.

Make an appointment to talk to someone about your finances, make a plan.
Get some counselling yourself, go to your gp for help.
Postpone the studying
Stop spending money for the next 3 months, essentials only
Try to get some sleep (this is the most important)

This is a wake up call. Get help and good luck.

The OP should not have hit him. But please can the gleeful “this just shows that women are just as bad as men” posters just back off?

OP- what’s happening in your house this morning?

I don't think I've read the same post as some PP.

Your partner wants to talk openly about a budget. You for various (understandable) reasons are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. You started reading into your partners comments with inferences that we're not directly said because you are possibly feeling quite vulnerable and feeling (pressurised) like you are not contributing in the way your partner expects.

He got extremely frustrated with you and started speaking angrily. You responded with the same anger except yours got out of hand.

I would tell your partner how under pressure and overwhelmed you feel. I would apologise for hitting him and never ever do that again. When the kids are in bed I would steel yourself and have a proper chat with him about the budget.

Bertrand no one has said that.

OP I know it's hard hearing this, but you need to own what you did if you want to change.

Your children saw all of this. They will need counselling and support. Your dh shouldn't accept being hit by you. If you minimise what you did to him, or try to sweep it under the rug then you will be continuing the abuse.

He picked the wrong time to discuss it absolutely, but what he wanted to discuss wasn't unreasonable. Both of you should have been adult enough to realise it was escalating into an argument and to decide to discuss it later, sounds like you have both let your emotions get the better of you

Is this the first time he's tried to discuss it? Sounds as though he might have tried before? It reads as though you are both highly stressed and need to start working as a team, you are both on the same side

Hitting him as you know is 100% unacceptable. If it was the other way around posters would be on here telling you to leave because he is abusive etc. How are things between you both now?

i hardly think the dc will need 'counselling and support' if this is a one off incident ! they do need to see their parents behaving like rational adults though and treating each other with respect though.

Sorry your going thru this and ok not great that you lashed out. As PP have said this is wake up call time - your doing too much for a start, there is an issue around money and you need to find a way to talk that thru with you OH in a constructive manner.

That's the heart of the issue in my humble - on the one hand your OH was lashing out by not talking reasonably about finances then name calling and on the other you were unreasonable for lashing out physically.

The resolve is to find a quiet time (not the car) to talk money practically- what's coming in what's coming out. How long will you be financially stretched for, what do you both need do to save a bit here and a bit there, and find a resolve that way.

You both need to apologise to each other too and both stop name calling on the one side and hitting on the other.

Yet again the double standards on MN come to the fore when it comes to physical abuse and the consequences.