Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

[cocomocha]

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

Yes she was wrong to murder her husband - but the law recognised that she was, effectively, goaded over the years.

No they recognised they didnt take her mental health into account.

Mrs Challen's murder conviction was overturned by three judges who said the evidence of a psychiatrist, that Mrs Challen was suffering from two mental disorders at the time of the killing, was not available at the time of her trial and undermined the safety of her conviction.

People keep talking about her abuse and it may or may not have contributed. But that's why there is a other trial.

She didnt walk away a free woman and it's more complicated than, you are saying.

The OP was violent. She hit her husband.

He was also verbally abusive towards her.

Neither are covering themselves in glory in the OP.

I haven’t excused the OP’s behaviour.

*So the women who murder their husband after suffering from years of abuse - what’s your view on them?k

What's the situation? What woman murdered her husband because he wanted to sort their finances?

Neither are covering themselves in glory in the OP.

Agreed.

But you are also saying only the worst form of abuse is abuse.

Jess,

It is interesting that the complexities of real human interactions, with their shades of grey, are only of interest to you when they serve your argument!

What woman murdered her husband because he wanted to sort their finances

I like how your paint the OP’s partner as the sensible one who just wanted to talk about budgets and finances when actually, I recall from the OP, that he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids

So actually we have a situation where two people are acting appallingly towards each other in front of their kids.

It’s not as simple as she hit him.

How do we know the OP isn’t suffering from MH issues? Stress is a mental health condition.

But you are also saying only the worst form of abuse is abuse

Where did I say that?

I said I wouldn’t put them in the same category.

I can only judge by the OP - she did the wrong thing by hitting. She isn’t, from what I read, beating him to shit regularly

So you would say this to a female poster of her DP had hit her? Yes..... I agree you should 'give up' posting such shite

But how do we know she isn’t hitting him regularly? Many abusers would say they only hit their dp once to minimise what’s really happening. As you say, it’s not always black and white which is why you can’t excuse a poster for hitting her DP as there might be history of previous abuse she hasn’t mentioned. There might not be, but it’s dangerous to give her justification for her actions based on just this post.

This is just awful - on both sides.

But to hit your partner is just reprehensible - and in front of the children? This would be unforgivable to me.

I haven’t actually excused the OP at all.

I’ve just said it isn’t that clear cut and actually unhelpful to try and make out that it is.

I’ve just said it isn’t that clear cut and actually unhelpful to try and make out that it is

Again..... would you say this to a female poster. Simple yes or no will do

I like how your paint the OP’s partner as the sensible one who just wanted to talk about budgets and finances

I said that's how it started.

OP may have mental health issues. And while that would be taken into account, what she did is still classified as abuse.

The SC case she is likely to be found guilty but have her sentence reduced to time served. But her overturn was based in an unsafe conviction. Not based in her being the victim of abuse. See the quote I put above.

SC killed her husband. Wether its murder or manslaughter will be determined at trial which will include info on her MH. But that qont mean she will be found innocent of killing him. It will impact the sentencing

Sorry....male poster

But how do we know she isn’t hitting him regularly? Many abusers would say they only hit their dp once to minimise what’s really happenin

This could be right.

It's a massive thing to hit your partner in front of your child. Usually its started away from the kids.

But I am betting he shouts at her like that and she retaliated like that in front of the kids.

At the end of the day, what they are doing is classed as child abuse. That's the worst thing about all of this.

I’m not saying OP should be locked up, but she certainly needs to seek some sort of anger management therapy. Her DP is clearly going to be reluctant to voice any opinions in the future as OP might lash out again. This is how it starts, by controlling situations with violence. It can start to be habit forming; DP says something OP doesn’t like and gets a slap or a punch. After all, it worked before.

You mean Sally Challen. And she will be retried for murder based on her defence of being subject to coercive and controlling behaviour over the course of a long marriage, where by her account she was psychologically brutalised by her husband for decades, not being allowed to work, raped and humiliated.

That is nothing to do with the OP’s conduct, which appears by her own account to be based on an intense episode in a car in front of her children, during an argument about budgeting.

"He called her a hormonal psycho - screaming at her. He’s just as bad!!!"

Iggly I will remember your name and look to see if you say the same thing when a man hits his partner for calling him names and "screaming" at her.
I've never heard a man scream, I have to say.

The poster is lucky. I would strike back if anyone hit me. If my spouse hit me our marriage would be over.
I feel very sorry for her husband.

** Screaming at him, not at her.

So when are you going to sit down together and go through the finances then OP?

There’s no debate here that OP’s actions were extremely wrong. It’s DV.
Some serious self reflection needs to happen regarding how you deal with anger.
Also, your DP was being extremely emotionally manipulative by invalidating your feelings - hormones/MH issues/“psycho”.

Honestly, you need to learn to communicate and probably go to counselling. I would put that as a priority over the finances...

He doesn't sound like a very supportive DP to me. Agree that in future you will talk about things calmly away from the children. Its not really right to hit someone but don't feel bad about it, you really do not need that on the top of everything else. Treat it as a wake up call. I hit my husband once when under extreme pressure I'm not pleased about it but it happened. Sending hugs.