Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

[cocomocha]

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

And you shouldn't take the dc with you because you did it in front of them and so aren't safe to parent them

Yes, do as this person says. leave your children with the man who flew into a rage in front of your children and called you a psycho because you couldn't magic money out of your ass while taking care of a ten month old, studying AND working.

Basically, OP if you reposted this and didn't mention that you retaliated he would be called financially and mentally abusive. But some posters have their own agenda so they're going to ignore all that to stick the boot in.

@boringlyboring The OP said she is looking for a better job. Studying and just got off maternity leave. She already doesn't spend any money on herself. Is that what was happening with your husband? Because it isn't relevant if not. She can't make a better job appear less than a month after maternity leave and while at uni. Did you call your husband a psycho?

Sorry OP, but my dp was like you for a long time. Head in sand, doesn’t want to discuss finances, always a wrong time to discuss and budget, not listening to what I’m saying (like you assuming all I’m bothered about is him getting a larger salary instead of actually growing up and planning what we spend on). All the while I was sinking, trying to make sure we weren’t living payday to payday.

If the OP were a man, he wouldn't be getting support. You were violent infront of your kids. That's not on.

It sounds like finances are very tight and your husband has all the burden and he's telling you he cannot afford the lifestyle you all have. The way you said "do you want me to contribute more" sounds like you were acting as though it's not your job. If you're family needs more money then yes, you will both need to find a way for you to work more. It's not fair to leave all the pressure on him and then just cry and refuse to have a rational discussion with him about it. It sounds like he is at the end of his tether and needs you to step up and talk instead of cry.

He should not have spoken to you the way he did, but there is blame on both sides here for everything that's happening.

The Op literally just got back from ML and is working and doing nights with the baby. Maybe she just want a full pay cheque before he starts?

OP you are obviously under a lot of stress at the moment, with a young baby, a job and your studies. I suggest you get some support for yourself. Speak to your GP or health visitor - or self refer to your local psychology service.
Castigating yourself for what happened is not going to be helpful. Getting some help with how you manage stress is.
When you and your DP are feeling calm and rested, try to have a good conversation about your finances. I'm sure you can sort it out.

@FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls

He's short too. Neither of them have enough money. And he doesn't have access to all the finances either. He doesn't have access to hers, but she has access to his as she said in the OP. He's asking for access to her because they don't have enough money to cover their outgoings so he needs to sit down with her and see what they have and make a budget.

My guess is this isn't the first time he has tried to talk about this. But OP just starts crying so he can't sort it out and today, he lost it. He cannot make a budget without all the incoming and outgoing and OP isn't agreeing to sit down together and talk about it.

This is not financial abuse. This is a husband who cannot make ends meet and he needs all the info to sort it out by she is withholding.

@FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls

All of this !!!

OP literally just came back from ML if he has been asking to discuss it for months why? He knows exactly how much she is getting and how much she is capable of getting.

Also she can see his statements (for some reason) but doesn't actually have access to his money form what I read. There are 3 accounts. His hers and a joint. She doesn't even want to see his he is DEMANDING to see hers.

Aggressively shouting in the car in front of your children is fucking stupid and dangerous. Calling an exhausted woman a psycho for not wanting to be shouted out makes you a Grade A cunt.

She doesn't want to read his but she also doesn't want to sit down and make a budget. Which they need to do.

Maybe he wants to sort it out before their wages come in so no one goes and splurges on something they can't afford. They've probably just been managing during maternity leave and the stress is overflowing now.

Money will be coming in again. If they sir down together and see what will be coming in and what needs to go out then they can make a budget. But crying and refusing to co-operate isn't going to solve their problems.

Definitely double standards here; it's ok for the OP to play the poor little hormonal me card and assault her DH, imagine if a man tried to excuse violence with 'I'm stressed etc'.
Why the refusal to allow him to see your finances when you have access to his? There was no need for this to escalate, OP caused this with her excuses and ridiculous behaviour, glad her DH has self control and didn't hit her back but obviously MN think it's ok for women to hit as long as she can blame the man or have feeble excuses.

The point Ferdinand is that the OP didn’t really ‘hear’ what he was saying.. He wanted to discuss budget, which I’m guessing means the money is going somewhere and they haven’t sat down to discuss where. He didn’t say get a better paying job, the OP chose to to say that to end the conversation.It is incredibly frustrating trying to have a discussion on finances and how to manage, when the other person won’t share the responsibility. The OP ignored what her dp said and just asked if she should contribute more - that’s what my dp used to do ‘just tell me the figure and you deal with the rest’.

An example doesn’t have to be identical to be relevant- the themes are similar.

No I haven’t called him a psycho, but I can understand the frustration of a ‘partner’ behaving in such a way.

I would bet everything that this isn’t the first time her dp has broached the subject and been fobbed off with ‘not now’

And the OP wont share her finances but can quite easily access his.

Tell me what would be your response if the OP posted:

My dp won’t discuss finance and budget
He cried when I tried to discuss where money was going
He hit me infront of the kids
He has access to my account but refuses me access to his.

See above - a pp misread and thought it was her dp avoiding the conversation and it was immediately ‘gaslighting’. It’s not gaslighting when the OP is avoiding the subject though.

I hope you partner leaves this abusive relationship.

cocomocha I really hope you're feeling better today.

I agree with everything Ferdinand's been saying.

Yup, that conversation shouldn't have been happening in front of the kids.

And no, you shouldn't have hit him. But no, it was not abuse, it was weak desperation as you were desperate just to make him stop. He'd ignored, misunderstood or belittled every attempt you made to communicate with him verbally. You were feeling devastated and attacked. In the moment, it felt like the only way to make him hear you.

And, as some PPs have pointed out, it is not the same as abusive violence. It was more an instinctive attempt at self defence. Not OK, not mature or rational or a productive contribution to the conversation, but not in itself dangerous. Sounds like as an isolated incident and as such highly unlikely to escalate given that you know for yourself you shouldn't have done it.

But you really need to find time to discuss this stuff (and more) when your children are not with you.

And I think you would definitely both benefit from some relationship counselling, sounds like you both need some help (and an umpire) to communicate with each other and move on from this miserable situation.

I hope it gets easier soon.

The comments excusing or mitigating domestic violence are a disgrace. The blatant double standards being applied are appalling.

Shame on you all.

Agree Jsmith, the OP's behaviour was terrible. Because she's a woman it's being downplayed. I hope the DH gets out of this toxic relationship. The OP sounds financially irresponsible and on top of that she is physically violent. I can only imagine that the physical violence was accompanied by verbal abuse.

If it is unacceptable for a woman to put up with this, it is also unacceptable for a man.

When I read men defending men who've been accused of hurting their wives, it makes me wonder what the defenders are up to that makes them sympathetic to the accused man.

Some of the comments on here are also making me wonder.

But I'm hoping it's just people who've not been on the wrong end of abuse and don't understand how that feels and the impact it has on the dc.

@jsmith
My comment agrees with you, I detest women using the excuse of hormones etc as an excuse for vile behaviour. And as for the twat saying women can't hurt a man; utter bollocks, plenty of men suffer horrendous DV.

@mesmeri
“And no, you shouldn't have hit him. But no, it was not abuse”

ANY FORM OF VIOLENCE, REGARDLESS OF GENDER IS ABUSE.

OP ABUSED HER DH!

I’m sickened by the double standards on this thread

Your post seems to be all about justification for hitting him. As well as minimising it. Your thread title calls it a "horrible row". You then say So that's when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car

Kids present or not, hitting your partner is always something to feel awful about.

Im not surprised by the comments, this is what always happens on mn if its a woman hitting a man its because HE pushed her to it. But if its a man hitting a woman it can never be because she pushed him. The usual double standards 🙄

And no, you shouldn't have hit him. But no, it was not abuse, it was weak desperation as you were desperate just to make him stop. He'd ignored, misunderstood or belittled every attempt you made to communicate with him verbally. You were feeling devastated and attacked. In the moment, it felt like the only way to make him hear you.

You don't know any of this. It's all conjecture. The only think we do know for certain is that they were arguing and the OP hit her DH. There is no excuse for that. Absolutely none.