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Original poster

Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

222 replies

cocomocha · 05/04/2019 20:39

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

OP posts:

SimonJT · 07/04/2019 16:34

And women do not go on to be violent to their children.

What about the thousands of children around the world who are subjected to abusive mothers, do they not matter to you?

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 16:35

“Are you saying it didnt happen?”

Nope. I have said repeatedly that women do abuse children.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 16:37

Nope. I have said repeatedly that women do abuse children.

But no woman has ever abused her partner and then the kids. Ever.

Anyone who said it happened to them is lying?

LexMitior · 07/04/2019 16:42

I think the point is being missed - you don’t have to hit children to abuse them. It is enough for adults to be violent in front of them to do that. You are putting children in fear of violence if you do.

Iggly · 07/04/2019 16:43

One person basically said it's not that bad because a man can hurt a woman more

One person.

My point is that the OP has messed up by hitting but let’s not claim the whole of MN is being double standard. Plenty of people on this thread demonstrate that - by calling out the OP on what she’s done.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 16:51

Iggly that's was an example. There lots of double standards.

People telling her he is financially abusive. Gas lighting her. Calling him the abuser. Thats a double standard. They have been told she tried to shut down the convertation then hit him when he would do as she said. She put all her families lives at risk. But people are calling him the abuser. I dont believe for one second anyone would be telling a female op, who was a victim that it was her fault.

So yeah a double standard

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 16:58

“One person basically said it's not that bad because a man can hurt a woman more“
If that was directed to me, then I said nothing of the sort.

nutsfornutella · 07/04/2019 16:59

Picking on someone's mental health is very nasty and many would label that abusive. It's obviously not a reason to hit someone though.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 17:01

if that was directed to me, then I said nothing of the sort.

No it wasnt.

PinaColadaPlease · 07/04/2019 17:02

You should separate, at least whilst you both get help. You are both abusive.

Iggly · 07/04/2019 17:03

Why is it a double standard to label his behaviour?

My view is that neither side come out great from the OP. Let’s not pretend the DH is an angel either.

Basically loads of people have piled in claiming that MN is going easier on the OP because she’s a women. Without spotting the irony in those sort statements. (How can MN be exhibiting double standards when loads of people are saying the opposite )

nutsfornutella · 07/04/2019 17:05

The beginning of the thread had a surprising number of posters supporting the OP. I read in horror wondering if I was on a different planet. The later posters were more balanced (thank fuck)

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 17:10

Iggly I didnt say he was an angel.

But I dont believe for one moment, any poster who have posted the OP was a fault or at least part responsible for being hit whilst in a moving car, risking the kids lives, because she had a go at him and called him names....would have had their arses handed to them.

Read the first page. The blame is put squarely at the DHS door, by several posters. More blame him. Some change the story.

Lots of posters here, some are regular (not you Bertrand, dont panic) that wouldn't post what they have if genders were revered. And many more that would be calling victim blaming and reporting to mnhq.

So yes double stands.

TacoLover · 07/04/2019 17:40

Interesting and also convenient that Bertrand continues to state that women do not hit their partners then go on to hit their children while ignoring my multiple posts stating that my mother is someone who hit my father then went on to hit me.

Guess I must be lying then

Iggly · 07/04/2019 17:40

Double standards all except the likes of yourself?

That’s the bit that grates. Posters who swan in, claim that there’s double standards etc etc all except them, the more balanced “fairness champions” who’ve got the sense to point out the injustice and double standards.

Iggly · 07/04/2019 17:41

Plenty of posters on the first page have criticised the OP for hitting

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 17:44

Double standards all except the likes of yourself?

Wheres my double standard.

My point of view is

Male violence against women is a huge issue. However its jot what we are talking about.
Acknowledge that women can and do abuse too, doesnt take away from the fact we have a huge problem with Male violence against women

Pretending violence committed by females to males isnt a problem, is damaging to our children. All of them.

Oh and a sub point that women certainly do move from abusing their spouse to abusing their kids. And saying it does not happen is calling people who it happened to, liars. Apparently it's ok to deny this abuse happened.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 17:45

TacoLover or posting proof.

While other posters bend over backwards to pretend it would have been allowed to stand if a woman had been told she caused the abuse.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 17:48

Plenty of posters on the first page have criticised the OP for hitting

And plenty have directed the blame at him. Job one said all in the first page.

Iggly · 07/04/2019 17:55

Yes which doesn’t prove your point at all.

I said all except the likes of yourself when it comes to your claims of double standards - what I mean is you’re saying that there are all these double standards, when actually it’s quite balanced. (I don’t mean you’re being double standard) Yes a small number of people are being double standard but it’s hardly endemic. That’s my point, that you come across a bit smug and holier than though, which I’ve clumsily made.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 18:03

That’s my point, that you come across a bit smug and holier than though, which I’ve clumsily made.

As do you. And also bending over backwards to prove that all of mn is balanced and great. When infact its like everyday life.

And yes of course I believe I am right. I would have that opinion if I thought it was wrong.

And yes I believe it's completely wrong to say a man can drive a woman to hit him

That women dont abuse their spouses and then there kids....ever

That if a poster dared do this with the sexes reversed, the regular posters on here would have handed them their arse for victim blaming.

But there has been some rather ugly denial of certain victims abuse, that again, has gone unchecked by lost of regular posters.

And yes this time I mean Bertrand. Total double standard.

larrygrylls · 07/04/2019 18:05

Unless I have missed it, the OP has not specified what ‘hit’ meant. If it is a full blooded punch to the face then, yes, it is unacceptable. If she reached the end of her tether and, frustrated, slapped his arm, it is completely different.

It does sound like a horrible row, especially in front of the children. I think the OP’s partner was frustrated about being able to logically sort out finances and the OP is stressed with young kids etc.

You should both apologise and have an adult chat when the children are in bed. If that is not possible, then maybe things are really bad and splitting up is the way forward.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 18:15

“And yes this time I mean Bertrand. Total double standard.”

I have not shown double standards. But I can’t frankly be arsed to discuss this with you any more. If you really think there is no difference between men and women in their patterns of violence-domestic and other- then there is really no point.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 18:17

They were in a moving car with their kids in.

Again, who would tell a female OP 'well was it hard? If it wasn't and you were winding him up, then it's not so bad. Can you work through it. I know your kids were in the car and it dangerous, but you both need to apologise'

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 18:19

*I have not shown double standards. But I can’t frankly be arsed to discuss this with you any more. If you really think there is no difference between men and women in their patterns of violence-domestic and other- then there is really no point.(

You cant be arsed because you are being in denying certain forms of abuse.

A poster is telling you her mother abused her father and her. And you are telling her it didnt happen.

I have not said patterns are not different.

But I wont accept that mothers who abuse their partner, categorically do not abuse their children too.

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