Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

[cocomocha]

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

And women do not go on to be violent to their children.

The rush to insist that has been said does rather suggest an ulterior motive

Both direct copy and paste of your posts.

As you say 'I rest my case'

If you were a man and you hit your wife everyone here would be up in arms and telling you to hand yourself into the police.

You abused your husband, in front of your children. Him shouting at you is now a separate issue because you physically attacked your husband in front of your children.

Get help.

Sorry, Jessgalinda- I don’t understand. Those are my words, yes.

Yes those are your words

That women dont go on to be violent to their kids

And you suggested an ulterior motive. You deny and stand by those statements.

Cant help you if you dont understand that

??????

Context?

Men who batter/kill their partners often GO ON to harm their children.

That is far less prevalent in women. Not a never happens but far less likely.

That is how I interpreted Bertrand's post.

Is this not two people in a highly stressed relationship - young kids, no money - who do not know how to communicate?

I would be interested in how you problem solve the rest of the time. Does it always blow up into a row?

He asks about a budget - you assume he is having a dig - he explodes saying you are hormonal, won't discuss things and starts shouting - you hit him to shut him up.

The whole thing is a disaster.

Could you ever envisage the two of you having a conversation that went:

Him: We need to set a budget
You: Yes we do, it'll be really hard as money is tight
Him: I know, but there's lots of things we can't change. We just have to work as a team and see what we can do together.

Neither of you seem to know how to communicate with each other and I'd strongly suggest you get outside help.

Why was your partner bringing up finances a touchy subject? Was it because the children were in the car? The way he approached it, or the fact that you just didn't want to deal with it?

You were wrong to hit him. Goes without saying.

But he was equally wrong to take the piss out of your mental health issues (even if you say it is just a little anxiety).

He called you psycho, and he got psycho! You sound desperate. You don't need 'help', you need a partner who treats you like you're worth something and doesn't wind you up by name-calling.

Again, nothing excuses the hitting. But I can understand why it got heated.

That is far less prevalent in women. Not a never happens but far less likely.

That's not what she said.

She said And women do not go on to be violent to their children

If you cant tell the difference between the 2 statements you are just jumping through hoops to pretend people haven't said what they have in this thread. Its basic sentence structure

That's an ulterior motive

The reason I dislike this so much is that it really starts down the line of different standards for different people. You can’t have that without saying well, I should be excused. Abusive men are the first to say their partners provoked them - a great excuse which is often believed!

Hitting someone is deliberate, not a loss of control. Women are protected by this being the rationale in the law. MRA would like nothing better than to have loss of control as a defence to abuse. I do accept that often violence is conducted against those who are perceived as weaker, but frankly, when say a small child hits their parent, we correct them and say it is wrong. If you want to put women alongside children instead of being grown adults who are expected to control themselves, that’s a bad message for feminism.

What's MRA?

It is very unlikely that a woman would be able to seriously injure or kill a man with her bare hands or that the man in this case would be in serious physical danger from the OP.

Quite simply untrue. All studies I have seen show significant overlap between male and female cohorts in upper body strength although average female upper body strength is about 68% of men. "Very unlikely" implies very little overlap. Also there is little to stop a woman overbalancing a man and then kicking him to death for example.

Entirely depends on the woman and man concerned and the nature of the attack.

“Also there is little to stop a woman overbalancing a man and then kicking him to death for example.”

Could you link to examples of this happening, please?

Bertrand domestic abuse is not just about injuring your partner with your bare hands. A woman could just as easily stab, throw an object at or inflict some other kind of injury on her male. My aunt threw a pan of hot water over my uncle. He is twice her size.

Where is the evidence to back up your claim that women who hit their partners do not (generally) go on to abuse their children? What is that based on? The idea that woman are usually incapable of harming a child? My sister was a child protection officer for many years and could quickly clear up that piece of fiction for you.

I am in no way minimising male on female violence or trying to rewrite biological fact and pretend women are physically weaker than men. I just think that if an individual physically assaults another it doesn't matter if the victim is stronger than the perpetrator.

Women who hit their partners do not go on to hit their children.

How do you know this? Are there any statistics? Because common sense says that a woman who hits her husband when she loses her temper with him is not unlikely to hit her children when she loses her temper with them. Again, as pp have said women are perfectly capable of being physically abusive. It may be less prevalent but on a personal level that doesn't make it any less damaging.

That is far less prevalent in women. Not a never happens but far less likely.

That's not what she said.

She said And women do not go on to be violent to their children

If you cant tell the difference between the 2 statements you are just jumping through hoops to pretend people haven't said what they and you have in this thread. Its basic sentence structure.

'Women Tend to not' and 'women do not' are completely different sentences.

You are an intelligent poster Bertrand. Let's stop pretending you dont think there is a difference

I would also challenge 'women tend not to', but that's a different thread.

And women do not go on to be violent to their children.

And how do you know this exactly? My mum hitting my dad then going on to hit me must have not happened after all, then...

I think domestic abuse is significant here. The law recognises the seriousness of violence between two adults in the presence of children. It has a psychological impact on children for the rest of their lives.

Okay, the actual immediate consequences of what the OP did seem quite minimal. But really domestic abuse, violence or the threat of it, is what children see.

The OP’s behaviour is, socially speaking, unusual. Her husband didn’t rise to it and met the social norm we expect. There are plenty of men who do hit women and children, but that’s not the issue.

This woman hit her husband to shut him up. Her children have seen that. What does the OP think they will think? Truthfully, they will be frightened of her. And they will remember it.

Don’t give this woman permission by dint of tiredness and anxiety to excuse being violent. She should feel ashamed, not because she’s a woman or a mother, but because she’s been violent.

TacoLover I wouldn't bother. There several denying that was ever said whilst standing by the statement too.

It's really odd.

I know many children of women who were violent to their children. It's not at all unusual .

My mum hit my Dad (She's 8 inches shorter) and us.

My dad never hit my mum or us.

“Women abuse children.

Men who hit their partners often go on to hit their children.

Women who hit their partners do not go on to hit their children.

It is very unlikely that a woman would be able to seriously injure or kill a man with her bare hands or that the man in this case would be in serious physical danger from the OP. That is not to say that she was right to hit him, or hitting anyone is right. It is just to say that the advice to women to get out quickly is in response to the level of danger they are in.

There are people, both men and women, who have a vested interest in minimising male violence and in suggesting that domestic violence by women is just as serious and prevalent as domestic violence by men.

What do you mean by serious?

More common, more injuries, emotional trauma?

No one is saying there isn't a huge problem with Male violence towards women.

But some of us recognise that this is about female to Male violence . Pointing out that it's just as wrong and CAN be just as damaging and thelat women also abuse kids is not minimising Male violence.

Bertrand, I ask again, how the fuck can you make such a sweeping statement to say that women do not go on to hit their children?! Do you have proof that women do not go on to hit their children after hitting their male partners? Did my experience of my mother first hitting my father then going on to hit me not happen, then?

Do you have evidence to back up your claim that 'women do not go on to hit their children'?

Women who hit their partners do not go on to hit their children.

'Tend not to' or 'do not'. Because they are very different things. As already discussed.

Are you seriously denying and minimising peoples abuse at the hands of their mothers?

Are you saying it didnt happen?