Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

[cocomocha]

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

You're both in the wrong. You should have pulled over (you mention crying and tiredness) and not hit him and I'm not victim blaming but it was not a good time to bring up the topic. It's not like you could log into your banking there and then.

Why don't you want him to have access to your statements and why don't you look through his?

Have you talked to the kids about what happened? They needed to hear from you that

1. You are very sorry that you hit their Dad.
2. They saw you crying lots but you're fine.

They need to hear from your h that

1. He is sorry that he shouted at you for a long time.
2. He is not going to hit anyone in anger

They need to hear from both of you

1. You've made up and very sorry.

I have a problem with your statement Loving - its unconstructive for starters and there is a difference between men and women.

Most men can beat a woman to death even if they defend themselves. If a guy were to strike a woman it would be likely to disproportionately hurt more that the other way round.

Absolutely we should not condone violence of any form in relationships, but most advice given to women who have been struck by their partners is based on where the escalation of violence can go.

It's about balance and proportion.

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my wife and ended up hitting her in the car in front of our children

Imagine the advice of the roles had been reversed here.

Hitting someone isn’t acceptable or excusable. Especially in front of your kids

Ah yes
Let’s blane the victim too

@Teaandcrisps

Sorry but no.

Many women have the strength to kill a man in a fit of rage. There are many things lying around that can be used as weapon in most settings. When you throw a punch you can never be sure of the outcome.

Justifying violence because it is 'less likely to hurt' is utterly pathetic. Millions of people deal with confrontation non-violently everyday.

OP is an abuser and has committed and act of domestic violence. MN double standards are awful on this issue.

Hope

Absolute tosh get a grip

You shouldn't have hit him and I think you both need to be transparent about finances. Why don't you want him to know what you're spending?

If he's feeling the financial pressure you owe it to him to evaluate the whole situation. I hate to say it but maybe studying now isn't a viable option anymore and you risk growing resentment if you don't tackle the finances now.

Yes he brought it up at a bad time but your reaction was extreme and you should apologise profusely to him and your kids.

People on here always say to women who worry about provoking their abuser that there's never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. The same should apply in reverse. Hitting out in anger is something that we sort in our kids before they start school. As the driver, OP has the option of pulling over and leaving the car. (I understand it's easy for me to see this option as I'm not under verbal attack and sleep deprived)

Justifying violence because it is 'less likely to hurt' is utterly pathetic. *
Yes
Would you say to your child that they should be relieved to be hurt by a girl rather than boy? Should they be grateful that they were hit and not kicked or punched instead? Or is violence unacceptable in the first place?

Hopoindown31
I agree

most advice given to women who have been struck by their partners is based on where the escalation of violence can go.

In what way wouldn't this apply if the roles were reversed. The OP has lost control in a way that is unacceptable. It may well never happen again. It could happen again and be worse the next time. She could be particularly strong for a woman or could use something she had to hand as a weapon. OP. I'm so sorry that you're stressed, it sounds awful. You absolutely must get some help for yourself and for everyone around you.

You have physical assaulted your husband. You have put your children in physical danger by hitting the driver of the vehicle he is in and you have emotionally abused them by exposing them to domestic violence that you are the perpetrator of.

You need to accept responsibility and apologise to your husband and children and tell them it’s not acceptable behaviour and get help this week.

Your husband was perhaps not rising it an ideal way or being the most sensitive but that does not excuse physical assault.

Suggesting you both sit down and work out a budget and look at how money is spent on the family is reasonable and sensible when you have had a change of income. Perhaps a joint account for family spending and individual accounts for pocket money is a good idea for you two. No where did you say your husband said you need to earn more. I think you are jumping to conclusions without communicating to find out what he is actually thinking.

Agree with Pp.
There is no 'pushing' that a victim of assault can do to justify the violence.
If I were him I'd have you removed from the property until the situation could be resolved.

Oh god OP just do not look at this thread anymore you'll drive yourself insane. Your DP was being a prick and wouldn't stop shouting so you hit him. Frankly I think that's self defence from a verbal attack. You're not an abuser you were just pushed beyond bearing. I'm pretty sure it was an open hand slap somewhere on the torso or arms and didn't even really hurt. Doesn't mean it was right but it does not make you an abuser in need of counselling. It makes a mockery of people in actual abusive situations to say this is abuse. There is a difference between the dominant partner hitting and the overborne and attacked partner hitting.

It may mean however that your relationship is over or at least needs space. You're going through a very hard period and he's not supporting you and you don't even feel like he likes you. That's not healthy.

@Teaandcrisps

No, not in anyway which is why you have resulted to insulting what I said rather than a proper rebuttal.

So I suggest you get a grip and stop being an apologist for violent behaviour.

There is a difference between the dominant partner hitting and the overborne and attacked partner hitting

The length of the sentence usually as a lawyer can use it as mitigating circumstances. Does that make it okay?

So many minimising posts and we are very much only reading about this from the OP's perspective. It is victim blaming. The OP needs to own what she has done and take steps to make sure this kind of thing never happens again. It is always easy to justify violence. He/she made me hit them.
What the OP did was wrong and children do not easily forget. Time to apologise and deal properly with the original issues in a calm setting once the children are in bed.

Sorry if I worded that wrongly, I meant get some counselling herself for support, she is at a real crisis point and needs some help. A good counsellor will give her steps to help her get out of the fog. Where I am, people go for counselling all the time if they need help with relationships, work or are stressed out. It's free mostly if you ask for it. It's not a big deal to recommend it and sometimes it really helps when you are so stressed out that you are not thinking straight. Sorry again if that suggestion rubbed anyone up the wrong way.

I just wanted to say that and I hope you work it out ok.

Wow.

Poor fella....and the kids.

If I hit my partner....I think I'd need counselling to get over the guilt. I just could not imagine ever hurting him.

Victim blaming going too on this thread.

This is domestic abuse.....and it's being excused because it's a female perpetrator.

Get help.

if I were him I'd have you removed from the property

100%.

If it was the other way around and husband hit the wife...there would be outrage

You hit him while he was driving? You need help. It is never ok to hit. He should consider his next options. If you were a man people would be saying you'll probably do it again and advising him to leave you.

I remember having a similar conversation with DH when I was going back to work, it didn't get so heated, but I got very upset. I was annoyed that he was only thinking about my financial contribution whereas I had so much going on in my head, the inevitable mothers guilt at going out to work and leaving baby in childcare, still thinking about all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc (although DH is very good at doing a lot of the cooking so I really shouldn't complain), trying to juggle work and being a mother. I think it boiled down to the fact that I felt he was pushing me back into going to work but I wanted him to recognise there was value in both options - either me staying at home and doing everything I had done whilst on mat leave, or in me going back to work. I wanted to feel like it was my choice.

After we thrashed it out I realised he was worried about the finances and carrying that burden all my himself if I wasn't earning or if I was earning a small amount but it wasn't making much difference to our family finances due to childcare costs. He just hadn't put his feelings across in a very constructive way. I don't think he'd really prepared himself for the financial impact of having children in terms of reduced earning potential and large childcare costs and this is probably a conversation we should have had much earlier, and definitely not when I was feeling emotional at the thought of going back to work after my first baby.

Our finances look a lot different now than they did before we had children but we're both happy with how things are for now. I used to earn more than DH and we contributed fairly equally to household bills, mortgage etc and had spare cash to go on holidays, meals out etc. Now I work part time and earn a much smaller amount, and we pay out childcare costs so household bills, mortgage etc are mostly covered by DH's salary and my salary mostly covers childcare other things for the kids (clubs, clothes etc) and we have much less left over each month. All our money goes in one pot so I'm not solely responsible for childcare costs, that's just roughly how the split works out.

I guess we had to have that difficult conversation to look at income and outgoings and ensure we were financially ok, but I remember feeling like it was an attack on me so I completely understand how you feel. Hopefully if you can have this conversation again while you're both feeling a bit calmer, you'll come to a conclusion you're both happy with.

I can’t believe people are trying to suggest that somehow he did something to make OP hit him, the old ‘if she hadn’t have been screaming at me I wouldn’t have had to hit her’. I thought as a society we’d moved on from that that is disgraceful. The double standards on some of these comments is sickening.

OP I guess you’re not coming back, but you need help and fast. Yours is not a safe household and your husband needs to ask you to leave for a while while you find some support. There are organisations out there for perpetrators of abuse.

Sorry but if it the OP said her husband had hit her everyone would be screaming ltb and police. The double standards on here from some posters is shocking!

Of course she was really wrong to hit him. And hitting someone while driving is unforgivable. And of course if a man feels that he and/or his children are not safe, they need support help.But anyone suggesting that there is an automatic equivalence with male violence is being disingenuous. It is very unlikely that a woman could kill or seriously injure a man with one blow. It is vanishingly unlikely that a woman will go on to be violent to children. It is not the same and should not be treated as if it is.

It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month

So rather than that the OP is off spending willynilly and refusing to contribute or discuss finances, she hasn't got access to all the finances and is short despite having no money for herself.

Financial abuse by any name.

So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish

She's studying, working and from the sounds of it doing the nights with the baby.

just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc.

He became agressive.

So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids.

He became verbally and mentally abusive.

He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things.

demands full access to her information which she has refused.

he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances

He's policing her TONE.

and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety)

He continued to mentally and verbally abuse her whilst IN A RAGE

So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

OP Luckily despite the weird MRA contingent on MN most normal people know that he was being abusive and that leaving your children behind with an angry man would be a fucking stupid thing to do.

But they have their own point to prove.

Hittin isn't nice. We all know that, but the reason a man hitting a woman in a relationship is a concern is because the women spend their lives terrified and abused. I'm pretty sure that this one off incident where your husband tried to speak to you like shit in front of your children has not left him in fear for his life.