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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

222 replies

cocomocha · 05/04/2019 20:39

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/04/2019 11:19

I can't wait for the next time a woman posts about her husband hits her to see all the posters here trying to explain his mind set and how the abused wife could improve to better her behaviour so he doesn't hit her...

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/04/2019 11:27

Yes, let's see all the posters calling home a psycho etc.

And posters like me objecting to that unhelpful demonisation too!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/04/2019 11:29

He should have reported you for physical abuse. Its not ok whatsoever to excuse it as women aren't as strong as men.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 11:33

And women do not go on to be violent to their children.

That's a massive sweeping generalisation. Women dont go on to be violent to their kids? Never. I doubt that's true and, as with abuse from any perpetrator, massively under reported.

NaturalBornWoman · 07/04/2019 11:48

However, it is important to remember that it is vanishingly unlikely that a woman could kill or seriously injure a man with her bare hands. And women do not go on to be violent to their children. Male violence and female domestic violence are different. Both wrong. But different.

So true. Why are there so many female MRAs on MN? I'm staggered.

Horehound · 07/04/2019 11:57

And women do not go on to be violent to their children. That is just a complete lie.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:07

Why are thereso manyfemale MRAs on MN? I'm staggered.

That people have different opinions to you,? That staggers you?

What staggered menus so many feminists try and insult other women for voicing an opinion.

Let's look at what you quoted.

Yes, women are far higher risk of death. A man, on the whole, has a higher chance of killing a woman with his bare hands.

What you are forgetting is that domestic abuse isnt just about pain and how much damage can be inflicted. A large part of domestic abuse, is the emotional impact, the shame, the embarrassment, the feeling you caused it. Those things can damage peopel irreparably. And men suffer from that side of it as much as women. With the shame, sometimes more so.

Why? Because people like some of the people posting here still think it's ok to blame a victim when violence is committed against them, if the victim is a man.

Again, if a woman is hitting a man because she knows he wont hit her back because he is aware he will damage her more, that makes her the dominant one. That's abuse. The dominant one isnt always the physically strongest. It's the one in a position if power.

And lets not forget, this op hit her husband while the car was moving. In her rage she put all their lives at risk. You really think that's ok, or should be filed under 'women dont cause that much damage'?

I have daughter and I have a son. I dont want either of my children to be abused by their partner and then blamed for it. Because they goaded them, spoke at the wrong time, shouted etc.

Theres no excuse for violence. The power isnt always with the strongest one. No victim should be blamed. The damage isnt always physical and less physical damage doesnt make it ok.

Is it ok if a man hits a woman but is very careful to jot hit her too hard? He hits her but she doesnt have Mark's? He did do it in the car with the kids in, but nothing bad happened that time, so it's ok?

sandi2019 · 07/04/2019 12:13

And women do not go on to be violent to their children

That's BS.
What on earth?

I'm sure there are a fair few people on MN who have suffered abuse and violence by their Mother's hands.

LexMitior · 07/04/2019 12:25

I don’t think it’s valid to say well he’s bigger than me and I couldn’t have killed or seriously hurt him: that argument extended says that there’s a sliding scale. I’m six foot tall. Does that make it okay for a shorter man to hit me, or me to claim I can hit another bigger?

Hitting people is a choice and the law doesn’t look at you and say, you are smaller, it matters less. In this instance, because of where it happened, it’s especially serious because of the harm that could have happened as a result.

None of this is anything to do with MRA.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:29

There always does seem to be a very excited pile in whenever a woman does something bad that is usually associated with men. It’s interesting.......

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:30

LexMitior exactly.

How would it work in same sex relationships? One is ok to hit the other because one being hit is perceived to be stronger?

One of my friends and her girlfriend are very different strength. The girlfriend is a door woman, strong and can handle herself in a fight. Would my friend be ok hitting her girlfriend, because the girlfriend is stronger?

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:31

“I don’t think it’s valid to say well he’s bigger than me and I couldn’t have killed or seriously hurt him:“

What I said was that women and children are in immediate physical danger from male violence and need to get themselves to a place of safety. Men, generally, do not.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:33

And I don’t think a single person has said that it’s OK for her to have hit him. The rush to insist that has been said does rather suggest an ulterior motive......

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:33

There always does seem to be a very excited pile in whenever a woman does something bad that is usually associated with men. It’s interesting

Totally agree. Theres always a pile of women ready to pile on and victim blame if a woman has done something she shouldnt to a man. They do things like claim mothers are never violent to their kids and make up stuff to justify it.

Again, as a mother of both a son and daughter I am horrified any mother of a boy, would be happy posting that it's not that bad if a woman hits a man.

I bet they would feel different if it was their son being abused.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:35

“I am horrified any mother of a boy, would be happy posting that it's not that bad if a woman hits a man”
Again, nobody has said that. I rather rest my case.

QueenBeex · 07/04/2019 12:40

Doesn't matter what the argument was about, you should NEVER use physical harm!! Him shouting at you isn't okay, what he was doing isn't okay. But you physically assaulted him. If it was a man who hit his wife, everyone would be urging you to call the police! You used violence infront of your children, you're lucky you haven't been arrested tbh. Both as bad as eachother.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:41

Again, nobody has said that. I rather rest my case.

Yes they have. I am going out but I can quote it when I get back if you want.

Theres also been 'it's not abuse'

You have even claimed women dont abuse their children.....it seems it's you that has the agenda.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:44

“You have even claimed women dont abuse their children”
No, I haven’t.
What I have said is that a man who is violent to his partner often moves on to be violent to his children. Women do not tend to follow the same pattern. So there is not the urgent need to get them out of danger in the way there is from male violence.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:46

On the first page the dh is accused of goading her by gasughting, shouting, shitting down converstation about finances which means he is probably also financially abusive (despite the op being very clear that's not what happened), claims that it's not abuse, he holds some responsibility for bringing up the conversation at the wrong time etc

Its saying that actually, if you partner hits you, you need to look at your behaviour because chances are it's at least 50:50 when it comes to blame. Imagine saying the to a woman whose husband hit her in a moving car, whole their kids were in the back?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/04/2019 12:46

I don't even have to go back to see what Betrand did type to know you have misunderstood it!

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:49

Women do not tend to follow the same pattern. So there is not the urgent need to get them out of danger in the way there is from male violence.

Nope you said

And women do not go on to be violent to their children.

Backtracking now? You gave a definitive statement. A few of us questioned you obit but you ignored it to get some digs in about people having ulterior motives.

If you thinks it's a set up, report me to mn. They can tell you have been here nearly 10 years and have consistent info.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 12:50

I don't even have to go back to see what Betrand did type to know you have misunderstood it!

No we haven't. As I said several people quoted her and questioned it. But she ignored it, or missed it due to trying to pull down women who dont agree with her statement.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:52

You claimed I said that women do not abuse their children. I did not say that.

And I did not accuse anyone specifically of having ulterior motives. But if the cap fits, as they say.......

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 12:54

“As I said several people quoted her and questioned it.“

I didn’t ignore anyone. I stand by what I said.