Horrible row with DH in front of the kids

[cocomocha]

This is long, sorry. NC for this, regular poster though. I am feeling really really low right now and confused and anxious. Today I had a horrible fight with my husband and ended up hitting him in the car in front of our children. I’ve been feeling sick ever since. It started because he brought up the issue of finances and was saying that we need to do a budget as he’s skint every month. For context I’ve recently returned to work after ML. But haven’t received a full months wages yet. So things are tight. I only work PT so yes he pays more bills than me but I’m not spending anything on myself and still I’m short at the end of each month. So I’m feeling under pressure to earn more when I’m struggling with sleep deprivation (baby is 10 months and still not a great sleeper) and lack of confidence to look for another job or aim for promotion. I’m also studying part time so have coursework to finish. So I’m feeling really stressed and under pressure in general and having the usual guilt about leaving baby to work etc. So I didn’t really want to have the conversation with him right then and just asked if he needs me to contribute more as that seemed to be what he was driving at. Well then he just flew off the handle at me saying I don’t ever want to discuss important things and just can’t deal with the big issues and all the pressure is on him etc. So I started crying through tiredness and he carries on laying into me calling me a hormonal psycho and saying I am upsetting the kids. He also said he wants my bank account details so he can look at what I’m spending on. And when I said no I’m not happy with this he got offended and said I should be open about things. I do have access to his but only because it shows up
With the joint account, I have no interest in looking through his statements! He’s shouting at me in the car park and I’m just crying so I try to walk away but the 4 year old wants to come with me. I’m a wreck so just want to go home and he’s still attacking me and calling me a psycho. So we drive off and I tried to talk to him but he’s adamant that I had a tone when he asked about finances and I’m trying to explain but it’s like he just hates me, no kindness or caring, he just won’t listen to anything I say he’s just in a rage calling me all sorts and saying I’m hormonal and have MH issues (I suffer a little with anxiety). So that’s when I hit him and I feel awful about it as the kids were in the car. And now I just don’t know who’s wrong or right or how I feel or how to move forward. It all seems so bleak.

Are the kids ok?
Have you got out your pit been an adult and had a conversation with your husband and your children both together and separately.
I think you need to go the gp, get help.
Your relationship doesn't sound that healthy though if he decided to shout at you in front of the kids about money. He doesn’t gleam out in this but I don’t think you should of hit. Maybe you part ways for a while. I wouldn’t stand someone continually scream and shout out at me though. I can’t stand anyone shouting at me. So I’d not be with him anyway.

I don’t think you should leave the children with him either. I don’t think they need deep seated abandonment issues either in all this. Ignore some of the pps saying your as bad as a serial male abuser . I think and feel that although men and women are both equally capable of abuse. It sounds like your husband is fucking prick. So you flipped and lashed out. Wrongly but he sounds like a prize prick

Ignore some of the pps saying your as bad as a serial male abuser .

No one has said that. What people have said is that hitting your partner, even for the first time, is abuse, whether the perpetrator is male or female.

Well done OP for asking for help. Obviously hitting is unacceptable and you need to use this extreme incident as the starting point for learning how to communicate better with your DH.
Say sorry .
I think that you both need some help , probably with a counsellor, to learn how to talk to each other. You are at the most difficult time in your lives and it has taken its toll.
Can you ask your husband to forgive you and to see if he will agree to sorting out this part of your relationship. It doesn't sound as if he was behaving very well either but a solution to financial management should be possible. I don't know enough from the OP as to the general state of your relationship. FWIW I think that as husband and wife with children there shouldn't be his and hers money. You are each contributing to the family in your own way and being a higher earner shouldn't bring increased power with it. What if eg you were a city financier and your DH was a nurse? Would he be entitled to less benefits in the marriage? He wouldn't have a less valuable role in society ( far from it ) .
I'm sorry your circumstances have driven you to this.

Can we please stop blaming the hormones for shitty behaviour. You hit your husband so that makes you shit in my book.

Can you imagine on the next post a woman does saying her husband hit her if someone posted "oh he could t help it. It's the testosterone"

I thought the OP was a reverse when I read it.

The OP assaulted her DH and put their children's lives in danger because she didn't like his line of questioning about their finances.

Yet I'm reading responses indicating that both the OP and her DH are to blame for her violence. OP should just 'say sorry' and her DH must suck it up and stop asking to discuss finances. She has access to his accounts but refuses him access to hers and that's ok. Nonsensical comments stating that women cannot inflict serious injury on men and the OP probably hit him lightly so it's no big deal Yes, men are generally stronger than women. That's why some men who are victims of domestic violence are badly injured - they won't fight back for fear of seriously physically harming their female partner.

And yes, female on male violence is vanishingly rare but that doesn't make it ok!

Mesmeri what a load of nonsense. 🙄

So many people on mn will twist and outright lie to absolve women.

So far it's been 'she only wanted to talk finances and he kicked off' when that's not what happened

And she hasn't got access to all the finances and is short despite having no money for herself when op clearly says she has access to all his accounts but refusing to give him access to hers.

I 100% sure if a woman posted her husband all access to her accounts but her husband refused to let her see his, it would be called financial abuse.

Its seems men will always be the abuser to some. I hope none of you who are excusing the OP hitting her husband are parents of boys

If you're driving and physically attacked you can't take measures to defend yourself in the same way that if you're face to face.

Blimey... Some worryingly double standard comments on here.

The comments are only double standards if the same poster makes a different comment about a man hitting his wife.

So cut out the double standard nonsense unless you can prove it.

As it is you’ve all chased the OP away no doubt when she clearly asked for help.

So cut out the double standard nonsense unless you can prove it.

Theres been loads of it on here. One person basically said it's not that bad because a man can hurt a woman more. It's different, apparently, if it's the 'dominant' partner. On this very thread.

So theres your proof.

My dp is stacked. He could really fucking hurt me if he was that sort of person. It wouldn't be ok if I hit him I know he hates violence towards women and would never hit me back.

That's not ok. And if you hit someone knowing that they wont hit you back, then you are in the dominant position. It's you that exploiting the situation to assault someone

btw OP - cying and becoming hysterical is a way to close someone down when they want to discuss something you're uncomfortable with.
It's such a shit move in a relationship.

Fuck! cying and becoming hysterical is a way to close someone down when they want to discuss something you're uncomfortable with.
It's such a shit move in a relationship.

I don't condone the hitting but have you any fucking idea about sleep deprivation and exhaustion? Crying and becoming hysterical is something that anyone, male or female, becomes when ythey have reached the end of their tether. It signifies a complete loss of 'self' and isn't something to belittle.

I can only wish that you never, ever experience it. Or, if you do, that you search out anyone you have ever expressed such sentiments to and apologise!

OP How are things this morning? I think you know how bad things got yesterday, piling on here isn't going to help you or your DH unravel this. I hope you both have a good support netwrok, separately. You are both going to need it to work through all of the issues your OP raised!

Crying and becoming hysterical is something that anyone, male or female, becomes when ythey have reached the end of their tether. It signifies a complete loss of 'self' and isn't something to belittle.

True.

However crying and becoming hysterical when your partner wants access to you bank accounts, when you have full access to theirs.....can also be a way of shutting down converstation. The fact that when he didnt shut up, she got angry and escalated to hitting, does suggest this was tactic and she got mad it didnt work.

If a woman asked a man if they could sort a budget for their monthly spending and said they felt all bank accounts should be open between them and he became hysterical and shouted. People would be saying he is hiding something, trying to shut her down etc.

OP could have just had that reaction through exhaustion. Or she could be reacting in a way to stop conversations she doesnt want to have.

Crying IS one of the ways in which to close a discussion down.
It's quite a common move with abusive and controlling women.

@curiousabout

I bet this is how OPs husband feels:

"I've tried to discuss this with her...I am really worried about finances and when I want to have a serious talk about this....she just goes mental....!! Crying, screaming and shouting - she is hysterical
The other day when I asked to see her va k account she physically assaulted me. This is all in front of the kids which then scares them and me. And so I am forced to stay silent and we are no further forward".

Controlling women do this ALL the time.

Sandi I have absolutely no doubt of that. I wasn't defending OPs actions - I thought my whole post made that clear.

BUT I would never post something like It's quite a common move with abusive and controlling women. as I am only too aware that men also use emotions as control tactics.

Just as I am aware that sleep deprivation is a shite thing too!

Basically I think it is probably more productive not to beat the OP into submission, to utterly demnsie her (or any man in the same position) but to try and explain and give her options on her next move.

I think people become irritable when tired. With 2, 1 a 10m old and back at work. I think instead of picking at op about finances dh should be offering to get up in the night/let her lie in or help around the house.
I do think she needs to let him access her accounts. Maybe they should move more money into a bills account.
She should not have hit

calling her psycho isn't exactly doing the kids much good either.
It soundslike dh wants to blame op for wasting money while he has been working hard while she enjoyed herself on ML 🙄.
Clearly op knew she was very angry and tried to get away. Maybe next time dh needs to enable her to go cool down by taking the kids/distracting the one who wants to go too.

To be fair she might be wasting money.

That may be a legitimate concern.

I find it odd she has access to his accounts but isnt comfortable with him having access to hers. Despite the fact that he started the conversations saying he wanted them to work out a budget. To improve things.

Again, could be tiredness could be manipulation. He could be right about her spending, he might be wrong.

But the way she has reacted would make me think she is hiding something.

Sit down together and have a heart to heart.
Why do you need more money? Are your spending habits as a family too high?
Can he get a higher paying job?

A lot of people seem to over spend so it is good looking at the budget. But to be honest I live a very simple life and do we don't worry about money much and that also means I don't have to leave my children when they are still just babies. It's the sad thing about these times where mothers have to do so much and really you could be at home raising your baby for a little longer whilst he does his but getting the money and you recover from the birth and tiredness. Unless you don't like being at home then that is a different story. You need to get to the bottom of it.

Can we just clarify the hitting point. Hitting someone is something you mean to do. It is not an accident. You do not lash out as if there is a spontaneous mind screw which makes you hit people.

Lots of people put it that way, of course, because they don’t want to think of themselves badly. They say the other person drove them to it. But these are abusive people who give themselves permission, mentally, to do what they like. It doesn’t matter what sex you are.

The fact this occurred in a car, which could have seriously endangered the children is a very bad sign in the OP. If I were the husband I’d be contemplating a divorce.

.The OP sounds financially irresponsible and on top of that she is physically violent. I can only imagine that the physical violence was accompanied by verbal abuse.

It was accompanied by verbal abuse. His. You read the OP. But that's all fine.

The same way you can read financial abuse into a woman who makes less money not giving into demands that she prove herself to her dh while he calls her a psycho.

The OP would have been told to LTB had she not hit him. But because she did he is now a sweet loving abused man.

I think people become irritable when tired. With 2, 1 a 10m old and back at work. I think instead of picking at op about finances dh should be offering to get up in the night/let her lie in or help around the house.

The DP also has a 10 month old and is back at work. Why are you assuming he's not doing all those things you said? Because OP only said she's sleep deprived?

It soundslike dh wants to blame op for wasting money while he has been working hard while she enjoyed herself on ML 🙄.

Again, quite an assumption.

Clearly op knew she was very angry and tried to get away. Maybe next time dh needs to enable her to go cool down by taking the kids/distracting the one who wants to go too.

Yes. Remember ladies, next time your OH is gearing up to smack you, take the kids and let him cool down, because although he shouldn't hit you, you shouldn't tempt him