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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

218 replies

Littlehelper101 · 29/03/2019 23:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

OP posts:
CanuckBC · 29/03/2019 23:58

I would go! You are 24 and it is the opportunity of a lifetime! He sounds like a prat with no support for you. If he really wanted to he could make it work to join you.

You have your whole life ahead of you to grow, learn, love!

It sounds lieneven before this career opportunity came up things had fizzled. Take this chance and live it up!

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2019 23:59

I think I would go, full speed ahead. It sounds like you’ve come to the end of your relationship anyway, it seems to have fizzled out. The job sounds amazing. Would you regret not taking it? I’d say grab the opportunity with both hands and go!

Ferrovairio · 30/03/2019 00:01

He’s jealous because you have a promotion? I think this is not unusual, but it’s also not going to improve. LTB

YogaWannabe · 30/03/2019 00:01

Definitely go!

Your dog though Sad will he keep and care for it well?

mamato3lads · 30/03/2019 00:01

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him long term? If its a passionate YES to both then think this through carefully. If youre not sure about him, then go.

snitzelvoncrumb · 30/03/2019 00:04

Go, it sounds amazing! Don't let him guilt you into missing an amazing opportunity.

Original poster
Littlehelper101 · 30/03/2019 00:04

He will keep her. We could never get rid. Again - very very hard decision. The complexities of having to separate everything/sell is so tough to think about it.

The life I have now I could be content for the next 10 years.

Its the relationship itself that has it's issue - picture perfect on the outside its insane!

The hardest part for me is seeing the pain in his eyes :( its a mix of anger/sadness.

OP posts:
zoomies1 · 30/03/2019 00:06

You will resent him if you give up this opportunity and break up in the near future.

Is your relationship Rocky or are you making it sound that way because you want to leave?

It sounds like a great opportunity

Fridasrage · 30/03/2019 00:07

Is this really love v career or is it complacency v career?

It sounds like your relationship is headed for the graveyard regardless of whether you take this job. Your partner doesn’t want you to succeed because it makes him feel bad. You resent each other. You co exist. He’s jealous and bitter. You live very separate lives. Your partner would rather you stay with him and be miserable than be happy.

Even if you weren’t considering an opportunity I’d tell you to leave this guy. Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? It sounds like it sucks!

Taking this opportunity will be inconvenient. It will be hard working out what to do about the house and the pets, and it will be difficult having a messy breakup. But you should definitely do it.
Please please don’t throw away an amazing opportunity for this lousy relationship.

YogaWannabe · 30/03/2019 00:08

I think you’d be MAD at I stay then!
You’re so young to be saddled with so much responsibility and stagnant relationship!

Weenurse · 30/03/2019 00:10

Go and enjoy the opportunity.

CanuckBC · 30/03/2019 00:27

Like even before!!!

butterboo · 30/03/2019 00:28

Doing the maths you've been together since you were 18 which IMO is very young to settle down with your life partner. I think you'll regret not taking this opportunity to move abroad, and it doesn't sound like your relationship would survive if you stayed anyway.

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 00:29

You've put him in the shade and he can't handle it
you should go, why would you want to be with a man who isn't happy for you when you're successful?

Lollypop701 · 30/03/2019 00:36

You are already going... ‘ for me it’s the fear of the unknown’ you don’t love him enough. Go, let him find someone that will. You’re on a different agenda right now... enjoy the journey!

Smotheroffive · 30/03/2019 00:41

He's the jealous type!! Just that there, who wants to live with that, its controlling. Is bitter and you resent each other!

This doesn't sound like even considering staying around for, there isn't a relationship, and odd that you say its perfect from the outside. Others can see if he's jealous and you are resentful to each other, unless you both paint on faces to go out with. That sounds very toxic.

Very heavy going with these looks of anger and sadness! Youre 24, and him being 6 years your snr is a lot when you're 24.

I'm more worried that you're turning your back on your ddog Sad

DeRigueurMortis · 30/03/2019 00:47

Turn the tables.

What do you think he would do if the situation was reversed?

I bet I wouldn't think twice and frankly neither should you.

HeddaGarbled · 30/03/2019 00:52

Definitely, definitely the job.

This would be a real dilemma if you were still happy and fulfilled in your relationship, but you’re not, are you?

You’ve been with him since you were 18. Of course, breaking free is scary. But I really think you should.

gofigure88 · 30/03/2019 01:44

Judging from what you've said, I would go as well. But remember, moving counties and basically starting again socially is really daunting, and really hard work. You will definitely have lonely moments and WTF have I done moments - it's important to think clearly in those situations and confuse that with missing him and thinking you've made the wrong decision.

Good luck!

gofigure88 · 30/03/2019 01:45

*not confuse that

Youknowme1 · 30/03/2019 01:51

I believe you normally regret the things you don’t do not the ones you do, I would never want someone to do something they don’t want to they will recent you, I am just booking a flight and am getting away for a while because I’m not sure that I’ll be around for long if I dint I have to kids so I feel terrible but what use am I if I brung them down I’m not leaving them financially and when I’m back I would like to start 50/50 with the kids again my boy is going on football tour for a week and I’m hoping my daughter will come for a week once settled , hope they understand

Youknowme1 · 30/03/2019 01:52

Just read back not to much about you sorry one of my traits I ramble sorry

jedimaster · 30/03/2019 02:31

Relationships have a more lasting memory than career options. They are also a lot more complex, and your partner is not 2 dimensional. He may not be bitter or jealous, but is acting out that way to overcome his own disappointment in his personal goals that may be unrelated to your achievement. It's just, you're the closest comparison and his partner of 6 years. Most relationships have difficult times, be compassionate and understand his goals. Share and explore your own visions of the future, they may have changed.

Leaving at difficult times is a lot more exciting. Would you make this decision 6 months ago, a year ago?

I've made this decision, and had the most amazing experiences around the world and would not change it. I'm also with my partner I left 20 years on. I was also 24 when I made this decision. Just because you fell in love young doesn't make it wrong.

You should take him along, still adventurous, demand you work harder at the relationship if you care for him deeply. Sell everything. Take the dog with you. When you've taken all the risks with him, and the love isn't there you'll know to leave him.

Catren · 30/03/2019 03:12

Definitely take the job. I moved abroad in my 20s for a year, leaving bf behind. He waited for me and we're married now. At that age I never thought not to follow my career, and he understood that. It has had a lasting impact on my career and while it was hard, we worked on our relationship as we both believed it was worth it.

I think that's the issue here - you seem quick to want to leave everything behind, so maybe you don't really value the relationship and it's a convenient way to end things. In that case maybe you've come to the end of the line with your relationship.

Robin2323 · 30/03/2019 04:59

Just be careful if you choose this job.
Your dh may not wait fir you.
It may be the right time to part.
But if he met someone would you be happy for him or regret leaving ?
Only you know the answer to this.