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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

218 replies

Littlehelper101 · 29/03/2019 23:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

OP posts:
FookMeFookYou · 30/03/2019 07:55

I get the impression that if it were him getting the job offer abroad at this stage in your relationship then he would take it. And probably not spend so much time pondering it as you are. You don't want to spend your life thinking 'what if' - go for it

slummymummy35 · 30/03/2019 07:57

Take it!! A million times over. Congratulations! You are so young and not entirely happy in the relationship anyway. You do not want to resent him if you do t. Honestly, take every opportunity life throws at you. If the relationship is meant to work out (and it might not) then you will know. X

smallereveryday · 30/03/2019 08:20

I get your dilemma OP. You love this man but it has lost its fizz. The offer has come up and offers the excitement you are looking for as well as a huge leg up in your career.. but.. you love him and the physical preparation for such a move is going to be incredibly painful. No one wants to cause deliberate hurt to a friend let alone a lover.
This is MN though where women are always encouraged to grab opportunity with both hands and never look back - despite the hurt it may cause. I don't think you need to subjugate your wishes either BUT I don't hold for a moment with most of the nonsense spouted in here about 'abuse'.

Your partner is OF COURSE jealous and upset. The woman he loves, and has his life entwined with,is rejecting him.
No other way to dress this up - you would feel the same if it happened to you, doesn't mean that you can't try and be understanding!

Is there a compromise to be made ? You say he 'can't follow' . Why not ? Could he visit frequently. ? Could a long distance relationship be the spark you need or maybe a less brutal ending. ?
Could you afford to go and try it out first and then when you are there - make a decision on the finality . You may hate it, you may miss him.
A change of job CAN be just that. My DH has been a contractor for a decade and spends weeks abroad for large amounts of the year. For us it works really well and we live our time together.

Robin2323 · 30/03/2019 08:52

@smallereveryday
Had summed it up perfectly.

Northernlass101 · 30/03/2019 09:09

@smallereveryday

Thanks for your message.

My partner has already confirmed he would not move his whole life away. He said he shouldn't be expected to up route.

He has made it clear that's it's him or the job Sad

abcriskringle · 30/03/2019 09:11

You're 24!!! What's to think about??!! Go, go, go! Live your life and enjoy.

stofi · 30/03/2019 09:31

OP, you appear to have had a name change fail. What you have posted about your partner under that nn is rather different, he sounds vile.

Get out now.

Northernlass101 · 30/03/2019 09:33

For some reason I have 2 accounts and yes I just found the post I did in November and OMG it brought back so much pain!!!!!!

I always forget and brush it under the carpet :(

NeverSayFreelance · 30/03/2019 09:37

OP, I know it's hard to leave a relationship when it's all you've ever known - but you have to think about yourself here. Even if you stay with him, what would it achieve? It sounds like your relationship is going to end anyway, so why does it matter whether it ends with you here or there? Your options really are stay and break up later, or break up now and take an amazing opportunity.

Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, or do you just feel bad that it will be an inconvenience to him to reshuffle his life?

user1479305498 · 30/03/2019 09:52

Take the job, if the relationship is meant to be then maybe further down the line it can be resurrected

Tachy · 30/03/2019 10:19

You're getting everything you want! It's the way out that so many women long for.
it's not your responsibility to sacrifice your life to keep his together and he doesn't sound all that nice anyway op.
Your relationship is on the rocks anyway, when you do eventually break up do ou want to regret giving this opportunity up?

LeavingTeaching · 30/03/2019 10:27

Oh lovely, I can imagine how you feel as I have been there. I married young and settled into a life but, having always been the ambitious sort, quietly outgrew him. I felt trapped and resented him everyday. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and left. I felt awful for 'ruining his life' but to be honest, it was him or me. He quickly met someone knew and lives a very similar sort of life with them, where as I have a life I couldn't have dreamed of.
Think about us seriously, by all means, but don't let loyalty or fear keep you from being you!
Thanks

Didiusfalco · 30/03/2019 10:28

You only pass this way once, take the opportunity and live your life. This relationship has run its course, as a person you change so much from the age of 18-24, it okay to be a different person with different needs and move on. Of course it’s not straight forward because you are not a heartless person and you have cared about this man, all you can do is be a decent human being and not mess him about, but at 24 with nothing to tie you down please don’t impose limitations upon yourself.

LeavingTeaching · 30/03/2019 10:29

Just searched your name and you last post is chilling sweetheart. Walk away and live the life you deserve.
Fuck him...

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 30/03/2019 10:32

You have to take the job. Maybe he's understandably upset at the thought of you breaking up, or maybe he's always a knob to you. Either way you've said that the relationship isn't good any more so you can't put opportunities like this on hold for something that doesn't make you happy.

MissWimpyDimple · 30/03/2019 11:03

You are 24! Go!!!

It doesn't sound like there is much future in the relationship.

Can he buy you out of the property?

MissWimpyDimple · 30/03/2019 11:05

You might have to find somewhere else to live for three months though!

ScreamingValenta · 30/03/2019 11:09

You've asked 'what would you do'. My honest answer is that I wouldn't take an overseas job, especially if it meant leaving my dog behind. I would, however, end the relationship. I think you should try to separate the two things in your mind - don't take the job just because it's a convenient way to leave your partner. Commit to leaving your partner anyway, and assess the job on its own merits.

LannieDuck · 30/03/2019 11:14

Normally this would be a difficult decision. But he's emotionally abusive (previous thread), and you were on the brink of leaving him anyway. I think that makes it a very easy decision.

Dvg · 30/03/2019 11:25

Just go. There will always be a chance for love :) go whilst you have the chance and dont have any regrets in the future.

Userisi · 30/03/2019 11:27

This is easy because you haven't got love vs career, you've got mediocre relationship vs career. If he genuinely loved you he would support you, the fact he resented your previous promotion is a huge red flag. Whether you go for this or not I'd say he isn't worth being with, but I hope you do go for it as it sounds awesome! Well done!!!

Userisi · 30/03/2019 11:31

I just want to add I don't think your age is the issue here in terms of the relationship. I've been with my husband since we were 17, and the reason we have survived is because we have grown up together allowing the other to spread their wings how they needed to, I went to uni hours away and studied abroad, he didn't, he then joined the military and has been away from us months at a time. But we couldn't put our lives our hold just because we met young, we love each other enough to know we have the strength to withstand absence and genuinely want the other to be happy. If I was in your shoes in my relationship I probably would have still gone but I know DH and I would have made it work, the fact this is a relationship deal breaker (especially at this age in your life) says to me the relationship isn't worth persevering anyway.

PicsInRed · 30/03/2019 11:34

Your last post makes clear that he is a psychologically abusive head worker. He has been headworking you for years to convince you that you cannot survive without him.

Job or no job, you should leave.

This isn't love. Choose the career, this offer, and abroad, is the best opportunity you will ever have for escaping this guy.

Word of warning, stop sleeping with him, get some distance and/or contraception which is tamper proof e.g. injection. Something about your last post screams "guy who impregnates to augment control".

Userisi · 30/03/2019 11:39

I too have now read your other posts, this job sounds a fantastic opportunity to get out and start afresh, you need to leave either way but maybe this is the opportunity you've been waiting for. Please don't get bogged down with assets and ease of staying etc, you're young enough and clearly successful enough to get out of this and thrive.

Original poster
Littlehelper101 · 30/03/2019 12:49

Hi guys!

Sorry switching between 2 accounts. These comments mean everything to me. Thank you so much I really appreciate everyone’s comments.

I know ultimately deep down that I would be a fool not to take it I’m just a coward and scared of the implications and knock on effects it’s going to have on him and our families. The dog is a family dog and will always stay with him or within our family. The dog is a horrific part me to make peace with as well.

Current update we are now on an agreed break to clear our minds. I’m staying with family for a couple of days. Everything hangs on this phone call. I don’t know if I’m prolonging the inevitabile I feel all over the place Sad

OP posts:
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