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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

218 replies

Littlehelper101 · 29/03/2019 23:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

OP posts:
Harumphharagh · 04/04/2019 10:01

He’s not saying these because he’s hurt, he’s saying them because he’s an ASSHOLE.

Ffs, OP, why were you believing all this crap about not being able to make decisions or be independent? What a load of old bollocks, you’re clearly very able and bright as a button.

  1. He’s abusive
  2. He’s holding you back from making your life amazing.
  3. You have no real ties
  4. Your family think he’s a scumbag.

Get ‘thank you, next’ and ‘seven rings’ playing on repeat, maybe with ‘irreplaceable’ for variety and get GONE!!!!

You’re TWENTY FOUR!!!!! You’ve got an amazing adventure opening on the OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!!! You’re going to have such a mind-bendingly amazing experience and meet all sorts of people you can’t even imagine AND earn good money AND you’ll never have to see this tosser again!!!

This is called A RESULT!

Well done you. Don’t look back.

stofi · 04/04/2019 10:31

He really is a very selfish and spiteful man. Be careful OP.

Northernlass101 · 04/04/2019 10:46

I just want you all to know that I read every single comment and I appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts. I'm so glad I have this post going before I genuinely from the bottoms heart need all the support and guidance right now.

I have bursts into tears more times then I can count and for some reason I can't even think about this new adventure because I'm stuck on this whole relationship front.

I need things to try and be amicable. We need to sit down and come to an agreement with how we will move forward with the house.

To confirm we are joint owners of the property I said yday I would continue to pay half the mortgage until it sells. He said he shouldn't be made to sell the house but then said he couldn't afford it on his own. It's all confusing. I want to come to an agreement without having to get in solicitors but it looks as if it's going that way as pre confirmed he is very vindictive.

I told my boss so I'm off work today and tomorrow because I can't face anyone.

I'm staring at the clock and time is going so slow.

I also need to resign from my work next week so I have enough time to cover my notice and a week off before needed to leave. The company are over the moon at my acceptance I just need to do the deal at work another very hard conversation.

Also I want to be in my house that I pay for but I know I have no right because I'm the one that's leaving :(

ConfusedSad

Thatnovembernight · 04/04/2019 12:09

I’d get some legal advice quickly. The comment about him not wanting to sell the house but not being able to afford it on his own...it worries me he’ll use guilt to tie you in for years, subsidising him living in the house. He shouldn’t get the idea that he can carry on living there without buying you out.

Happynow001 · 04/04/2019 12:10

He said he shouldn't be made to sell the house but then said he couldn't afford it on his own. It's all confusing. I want to come to an agreement without having to get in solicitors but it looks as if it's going that way as pre confirmed he is very vindictive.
This is really who he is - not the loving person he was supposed to be. He wants what he wants whatever the cost to you.

Take a little comfort that you've began telling people what he's really like, making it all more real. Resign formally and in a timely fashion from your current job to make it even more real and start the ball rolling on your new life.

Get legal counsel now ASAP (without mentioning it to him yet) to get the external legal support you will need.

It is really tough OP but you can do this. You have already made some of the hardest decisions. Focus on your future- which is definitely NOT with him. 🌹

TheABC · 04/04/2019 15:02

You do not have to subsidise him through guilt. Get legal advice to extricate yourself as others have said and start focusing on the future.

You have had a lucky escape!

steppemum · 04/04/2019 15:23

Oh love this is not a choice between love and career, this is a choice between a great opportunity, or being stuck in a crap relationship which is sapping all your confidence and viatlity.

he does not love you
he is emotionally abusive to you
you are young, the world is your oyster, you will have more boyfriends and one day I hope a great guy to share your life, there is no rush.

Go and grab the adventure.

BUT you need to be very hard hearted, you can do that nicely, but you need to realise he is going to try and rob you of whatever he can. Get a solicitor to draw up something about how you sell, sell asap. If possible sell before you leave. Undo all the ties with him. Be free!

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 16:45

Wake up OP.

Don’t miss any more work days: he isn’t worth it.

Don’t leave your property or make any financial promises before getting legal advice. After legal advice, make him sell the property.

You are leaving because of his behaviour and owe him no financial compensation because of your decision.

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 16:47

You do not “need” things to be amicable with him, and that isn’t realistic.

You need instead to take care of yourself, minimise your time with him, be in good standing at work for your job move, and take steps for the property to be sold at minimal cost to you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2019 16:59

Take it take it take it.

He's jealous, controlling and sulking. Eff that.

And it sounds as if things have fizzled out for you both anyway.

You're 24! Just at the beginning of your life.

Grab this opportunity with both hands.

IM0GEN · 04/04/2019 17:03

Get legal advice now. Tell him nothing .

Notwiththeseknees · 05/04/2019 08:19

Well done!! But why are you crying? Is it partially relief? Guilt? Sad? He brought this on, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You will have a fantastic adventure, so nothing to feel sad about? Relief? Dry your tears - you have done it now!! In the words of a great RTT therapist - You are enough, good enough, strong enough, brave enough and by the sounds of it clever enough!! Have a think about your dog - maybe your parents would have him, could you take him with you & find a dog sitter there? You don't owe him your dog - but you do owe your dog! See a solicitor about the house - but that will be likely to drag on. If you can get him to agree & sell it before you go, that would be ideal - but unlikely.
Let a solicitor sort it out after you have gone if necessary.
But well done, you are enough!!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 05/04/2019 09:43

I’m late to the party but if you are still reading OP
I read your first post and got to love vs career and thought “what love?” Hmm

It sounds miserable and you are only 24
I’m 10 years older and that decade feels like a lifetime ago already!? I can’t fathom what the next 10 years will hold but I wouldn’t waste it with the man you described

He is showing his true colours From your updated - just press on through.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 05/04/2019 09:58

Honestly one day you will look back on your 24-year-old self and you'll be so proud and happy that you took that job, what an amazing opportunity! When you'd been pottering along in an a not-great relationship for a while, you might have continued down that road and ended up being stuck with this man because you'd already invested so much in him - I feel like this job offer is divine intervention to get your life back on a better track!

Good luck with it all and DO NOT let him persuade you to stay!

ItsInTheSpoon · 05/04/2019 10:14

I think you have made the right decision. Be prepared for him to be full-on nasty now that he knows it’s really over Flowers

Northernlass101 · 05/04/2019 16:47

We are on good terms. He has accepted my decisions and we are fine. I'm feeling super strong and empowered.

I'm handing my bloody notice in on Monday!!!!

I had legal advice today and they advised to wait to sell due to current market and brexit.

I have agreed with him that I will contribute 50% of mortgage payments and will see that amount as an investment. I'm not an evil person and having had normal conversations I could not force him to sell and change his whole life. So for now he will live in house when I leave and will pay rest of mortgage and bills. I have verbally agreed 1 year but we understand it maybe sooner so will re discuss in January 2020. He knows I have the upper hand because I own 50% of the house and if he tries anything stupid I have said I will apply for a court order and force a sale through which will cost both of us time and money but I'm prepared to do that. He apologised for the I want to financial ruin you he said he panicked and he knows in doing that he would inadvertently ruin himself.

He maybe all the negative things I have previously said but he is certaintly not stupid!

Watch this space seriously...... I will post about the handing notice on Monday!!!

Another bloody obstacle Bear

Northernlass101 · 05/04/2019 16:49

Also everyone else has said to me to force a sale through now would be stupid and to keep current property as an investment until times comes to sell.

MitziK · 05/04/2019 17:03

Why couldn't you force him to sell and change his whole life? On one of your other posts, he physically assaulted you in public.

Be aware that today's 'reasonableness' could, just as the 'being lovely' was, be all an act until you don't obey again - or he realises that you are still intending to take the job.

howmanyleftfeet · 05/04/2019 17:23

I had legal advice today and they advised to wait to sell due to current market and brexit

Really? I'm interested in this as I'm hoping to sell ASAP as I'm worried the economy will tank after Brexit? I think I should sell ASAP not wait!

Who's predicting house prices will go up? How would that happen?

onemoremummy · 05/04/2019 18:56

I’m very surprised at this “legal advice” that seems to want to predict house prices? Or was the advice based on any actual legal risk??

DistanceCall · 05/04/2019 19:28

I would get a second opinion, OP. You shouldn't have to subsidise his life for one year (even if you feel like you should because you feel guilty).

If anything, I would say the time to sell is now.

springydaff · 06/04/2019 03:22

These abusers, they're so good at getting us to feel sorry for them Hmm

Thatnovembernight · 06/04/2019 04:26

I get paying the mortgage and any associated insurance policies but I wouldn’t be contributing to any other bills.

Ferfeckssake · 06/04/2019 04:53

I get that it might not be a good time to sell the house. But it means that instead of making a clean break , you still have to be in contact with him. Hopefully the distance involved will make it easier. But do try and sell ASAP .
Best of luck with your new lifeSmile

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/04/2019 08:11

We are desperately trying to buy a forever home.
We believe value will drop but interest will rise (possibly blocking us from the properties we can) and are keen to lock in low interest rates

I wouldn’t care about making an extra 15k in 4 years I’d want a clean break now....
You should honestly tie this up now and not let it drag.

If you insist on keeping it, If there is a spare room I’d be getting a lodger moved in pronto. To help cover mortgage contribution (your ex boyfriend is getting the benefit of living in the house why should you cover mortgage AND rent)