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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

218 replies

Littlehelper101 · 29/03/2019 23:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

OP posts:
Northernlass101 · 03/04/2019 18:17

Thank you so much for the replies I'm in my garden having a cigarette because I'm not that stressed FYI I quick smoking ages ago!!!!

When I go back inside I will break the news. Sad

Northernlass101 · 03/04/2019 18:18

I am stressed!* I can feel the tears hope I can get the words out.

Northernlass101 · 03/04/2019 19:25

I broke the news and it was awful. He said I chose the career over him.

We argued for a bit and then got into a debate of the house sale.

Our dream house I've ruined it all.

He is so so hurts

He walked out mid convo now I'm sat here crying in a silent house Sad

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2019 19:34

I know it is hard, but you have done it...
That was the hardest part

MitziK · 03/04/2019 19:37

Oh, good grief. You chose a life over having your life and future happiness being stolen from you by an abusive and violent prick.

He would have drained every scrap of joy out of you. And enjoy every moment of it, too.

It's done, now make sure you're safe and stay away from him.

IM0GEN · 03/04/2019 19:44

I think he’s more angry than hurt. Angry he can’t control you any more.

I suspect he will find someone else really REALLY quickly, so prepare yourself for that.

Or he will suddenly be depressed and suicidal or have a “ health scare “.

He won’t let your go without making your suffer even more. It’s his MO.

ahtellthee · 03/04/2019 19:52

Well done, even thought it feels awful at the moment, this is for the best. You will have an amazing time!

Stay strong x

bluedamsel · 03/04/2019 19:55

Oh honey, if he really and truly loved you, he would be excited for you and support you 100%. Yes, he'd also be sad, but he'd also reassure you of his support.

What a selfish twat, manipulating your feelings like that.

Isohungy · 03/04/2019 19:58

Honey I think deep down you know regardless of whether you get this job or not you need to leave him.

I hope you get this job Flowers

Loopytiles · 03/04/2019 20:00

You haven’t ruined anything.

Stop putting his feelings and interests above your own.

You are making a sensible choice - your DP is bad news.

goose1964 · 03/04/2019 20:09

My mum always used to say never give up anything for a man.
Quite sage advice.

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 23:34

I'm sorry this is so hard but it is the right thing for you, isn't it?

Of course you are feeling hurt. You are a good person and you do care for him and the life which you dreamed of with him but really, this is the best thing for you.

Strength to you OP and best wishes for a bright future. Am sending you a hug.

Northernlass101 · 03/04/2019 23:41

I'm laying on a single bed in my sisters spare room with a bag next to me with a few items of clothes this is very surreal.

He came back after walking out and called me every single name under the sun.

He said he would find someone ten times better and that I'm a selfish money obcessed person.

He said I've thrown everything away for a job with money.

He said he doesn't want to sell the house and would rather see me in financial ruin.

I think he was just saying all of this because it as all so fresh I stood there and said this is the reason why we are ending the disrespect I said the issues are within this relationship.

I then told him if we can't be amicable then I'm leaving and now I'm here thinking.

Holy shit my whole life is now upside down.

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 23:45

He came back after walking out and called me every single name under the sun.

He said he doesn't want to sell the house and would rather see me in financial ruin.
And there he is.

Bubblegumgal · 03/04/2019 23:53

Good on you OP! He’s not a keeper! He’s an awful, controlling bully. Honestly give it two weeks and you’ll be wondering why you held onto him for so long! Your life is about to get sooo much better!

OMGIwonacar · 03/04/2019 23:59

He's really not deserving of you!

AceOfSpades123 · 04/04/2019 02:00

You can do this.
Stay strong.

howmanyleftfeet · 04/04/2019 02:30

Wow, he's showing his true colours isn't he.

You 100% did the right thing, well done Northernlass101.

What's the status on the house? Do you own it? Are both your names on it? Do you both pay the mortgage?

CanuckBC · 04/04/2019 05:38

He is showing his true colours for sure. You are absolutely doing the right things! You are not weak! He has brought you down by emotionally abusing you to make you think that. You have an amazing job offer! If you were weak, you wouldn’t be getting offers like that! You said your current boss is going to be devastated at losing you... If you were weak, would she be devastated? No!

You were “weak” in the relaxation ship because he abused you. He shut you down and tore your self esteem down so you had no voice. Now that you are rid of him you will be able to build yourself up again.

Re the house, what is the status? Is it a joint mortgage in both of your names? Maybe see a solicitor regarding what needs to happen to force a sale of it. I would also get custody of the dog as he may do something to it to get back at you.

As soon as possible go and get all of your belongings so he doesn’t damage them. People like him get vindictive quickly.

Amicrazyornot · 04/04/2019 07:02

I have been following along quietly, rooting for you to leave.
I have just recently left my ex and it is very scary having to step up and admit what you want to happen. It makes you very vulnerable.
Well done OP, keep going, baby steps every day. Soon you will look back and be surprised at how far you have come x

mummmy2017 · 04/04/2019 07:32

Do not fight over the Dog.
You would have to leave your pet anyway.

MitziK · 04/04/2019 08:25

That didn't take him long, did it?

Time to get a solicitor involved for the house. And stay away from him for your safety.

Pinkmonkeybird · 04/04/2019 09:39

Well done OP, you've ripped the plaster off and as the PP have said, he's shown his true colours. If anything the person who is going to find someone better is you as he is a douche of high proportions and this job has done you a massive favour.

Keep holding onto the fact that had you stayed with him, he would have carried on being controlling and then at some point in the future you would have wondered about why the hell you didn't take the job. Yes, things are upside down...that's what happens when relationships end. It's the end of a chapter and the start of a new positive one for you!! Sod him. Don't allow his perception to colour your future and destroy your self esteem. You are a brave and courageous young woman with a fantastic opportunity ahead. If you were my daughter, I'd be extremely proud of you. Let him bandy around his threats etc and just deal with one thing at a time as they come along. Be civil, be factual, don't rise to any insults or threats, do everything through a third party if you can.

I'm sure many of us on have been cheering from the sidelines for you and we will continue to do so! You will be starting afresh soon with your new job, so hold on to the positive changes that are to come xxx

Huskylover1 · 04/04/2019 09:47

I think the fact you're asking, highlights that you should take the job.

I wouldn't dream of leaving my DH for any job. If you're considering it, there is your answer.

notapizzaeater · 04/04/2019 10:00

He's lashing out at you.

Start getting things In motion, it will be easier dealing with it whilst you are still in the uk,