Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

218 replies

Littlehelper101 · 29/03/2019 23:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 06/04/2019 08:23

Who did you get that “ legal advice” from?! Have you had the house valued?

stillworkingitout · 06/04/2019 08:38

It’s a complete no brainer. He’s not very nice to you, and your relationship is not going anywhere at the moment. He’s also been gaslighting you and putting you down. You are 24 with an amazing opportunity that you probably won’t get again, and you possibly wouldn’t be able to take if you did.

I did the staying thing, but the difference was that my (now DH) was encouraging me to go if I wanted to. I chose to stay, and we now have children. Things are good, but my career has taken a hit in terms of progression and pay (even though I’m in a fairly good job, it would have been more if I were more career minded). I wouldn’t have made this sacrifice for someone who treats me the way he treats you.

Go and don’t look back!

Mix56 · 06/04/2019 09:04

He is a nasty contrilling piece of shit, you have had said as much before.
The only sad thing about taking this job, is leaving the dog

Mix56 · 06/04/2019 09:05

Typos sorry !

IM0GEN · 06/04/2019 11:17

Did you get legal advice from a qualified solicitor who gave their opinion in writing ?

Or did you chat to someone you know who knows someone who once was a lawyer ?

What safeguards have you put in place with your STBX? A verbal agreement isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

You need to be smart here and stop feeling guilty. Remember he is the one who effectively ended your relationship because he refused to move abroad with you. Most loving and committed partners would have done so.

kbPOW · 06/04/2019 11:29

Very dubious 'legal' advice. Did your ex relay it to you. You are absolutely doing the right thing. You should not discuss finances with him or agree to anything. You need sound legal advice and you need a clean break from your abusive partner. You will never get your share if you leave him in the house.

Harebel · 06/04/2019 11:31

I have to ask this... is this poor dog going to be okay? Please can you think about your pet too, pets matter and I hope will get well looked after whatever decision you make? Sad

user1497997754 · 06/04/2019 11:45

Try and keep things amicable.....whom is to say that the job will be everything it's made out to be....you might really miss him and your dog and want to come back.....so keep your options open x

mummmy2017 · 06/04/2019 11:47

If he can't afford the house could you get the mortgage changed and get a lodger in?

Mix56 · 06/04/2019 13:07

This is a mistake, You may not want to throw him out of the house instantly. but why would you pay his bills ?
What if he moves in a girlfriend?
This needs something in writing.

another20 · 06/04/2019 13:35

Get the house sold ASAP - ASAP takes months anyway - plenty of time for him to sort himself out - YOU are able to get a new job, give in your notice and set yourself up on the other side of the world over the course of a few months - so why can’t he pack a hold all and rent somewhere round the corner in the same time frame?

I would not leave this abusive, resentful character in sole charge or your asset - you are asking for trouble - he could trash it, rent it out, stop paying the mortgage, move in a GF (with kids!).....just cut this one clean off - it’s only bricks and mortar he will get over it. He will use it as revenge.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/04/2019 23:13

I agree .. never have I heard any Legal Advice recommending you continue to PAY for a Property with your Ex, he will NEVER SELL THIS HOUSE, as you are subsidising him WTAF OP?!

Northernlass101 · 07/04/2019 08:47

I was advised to see the property as an investment when I'm out of the county.

I'm only paying 50% of the mortgage and he will be paying for the bills and the rest of the mortgage for the time being.

I see everyone's concerns and trust me I have mulled over it.

We are very clear of what happens and it is in his financial interest to play ball.

The realisms of us trying to push a house sale through in the next 3 months is unrealistic. We have a 4 bed house and it would only be appealing to a specific families!

Trust me a clear break is what I want but I have to think about other factors. We will agree to sell feb March 2020. By this point I'm sure he will have got his ducks in arrow.....

Northernlass101 · 07/04/2019 08:49

Of course there is every chance he turns into a prick and if that is the case.

I will apply for a court order and yes it will get very expensive!! I'm sure he would not be want to spend any money on legal costs either..

BUT if he does I will do it and will apply to force a sale.

Brew
WasFatNowThin · 07/04/2019 08:57

Do you have an online account to make sure he's paying his part of the mortgage? You don't want the house being repossessed!

kbPOW · 07/04/2019 08:58

Have you actually discussed this yourself with a qualified solicitor? Forcing sale will not be quick or cheap. He's already a prick!

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/04/2019 09:13

Legal advice about not selling due to Brexit ??? What are you saying ? The gloom predictions are that property prices will fall ....Nowhere have I seen that property prices will shoot up ..... I have just sold my property at a high price . People are buying and selling all over the place . I don't understand this . You can't hang about waiting on Brexit .

Are you joint tenants or tenants in common ? Did you make a cohabitation agreement when you bought this property ?

It's all very messy sounding . Get the house on the market and get some proper legal advice on what your situation is .

Northernlass101 · 07/04/2019 09:42

To confirm the mortgage is joint tenants.

Yes qualified solicitor.

He is financial savvy and has always been and would not want to risk his future by not paying his end of mortgage.

Yes we have a joint bills account so I have the ability to see all payments going in and out.

I'm hearing mixed opinions on house prices.

I know this is something I need to sort out in thinking of getting a legal document advising of a date of sale and if this is breached XYZ will happen.

Sad
Northernlass101 · 07/04/2019 09:43

FYI - forcing sale is final straw and I'm 100% sure neither of us would go to that level because of cost implications.

Northernlass101 · 07/04/2019 09:44

Also

We had conversations of selling now and he has asked to give him some time. Essentially saying he won't sell now.

So I would rather agree a time with him then try and force him now and it all go even more tits up.

Trust me!!!!

kbPOW · 07/04/2019 11:10

'He won't sell now'. Not really his call to make. You are very much under his influence and not necessarily in a position to trust your own judgment right now. Not meaning to sound rude or snippy. It's very risky to rely on manipulative, controlling people to play fair.

IMissGin · 07/04/2019 11:25

So will he be paying you rent in your half of the property so you get some return on your ‘investment’?

another20 · 07/04/2019 11:59

I have never heard of a solicitor being a speculator on property prices - so their judgement is invalid.

I think that you just want an easy way out and at least confrontation as possible with him due to you being mired in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You have caved at the first instance to him. A single man can get his ducks in a row in a month if he needs to. Why does he need a year?

This is just another year to control and frustrate you. You would be best placed to get it in the market and have an offer in place before you leave - then it is just the legal to process whilst you are abroad.

Rip the plaster off. Be brave.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 07/04/2019 12:33

You are being naive
Just tell him you want to start selling now (if you are luckily it’ll be 6 months) and see his response...

Let this drag and You will be saddled paying this into the foreseeable future.
I’m telling you now he is never going to want to sell unless it suits him (this may never happen!)

Fast forward two/three years

Scenario A you meet someone and move on with your life (ie want to buy) he still doesn’t feel like selling you are now being dragged through an expensive awkward legal process and put strain on current relationship.

Scenario B he meets someone (she’s had a baby) and they are stillllll living in your house. He refuses to sell or makes ridiculous settlement offers on the basis “you are making them homeless” and she can’t work /they don’t have the money.

Make a good life choice and Male a full clean break now.

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/04/2019 12:50

Joint tenants - well that was a mistake to start with .