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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

218 replies

Littlehelper101 · 29/03/2019 23:51

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 30/03/2019 12:55

You have just grown apart . These things happen.

Smotheroffive · 30/03/2019 13:21

So glad you are away from him.

So many red flags
He's a.jealous sort
He's the best man in the world (according to him!)
You have suffered ea from him

You are taking responsibility for too much. You are not responsible for staying together for the sake of upsetting others (families, etc). That's just ludicrous. You can't manage everyone elses.feelings. they're adults and will sort themselves out, its not them suffering abuse!

You have taken huge steps in separating your life from his, well done indeed! It's a massive step/leap, now make your job/emigration decision based on just you,not getting away from him.

Just well done Flowers

AnotherEmma · 30/03/2019 13:29

He is abusive. You should definitely end the relationship and take the job. While you're at it, read "Why does he does that?" by Lundy Bancroft and consider doing the Freedom Programme.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/03/2019 13:32

Go, go, GO!!!

smallereveryday · 30/03/2019 15:01

In light of the latest revelations, I would leave on the next available flight without even a goodbye.
The advice I have was entirely on the basis of this man being a decent human being. He isn't.
The problem with the word 'abusive' being bandied about on here is that it becomes so normalised and therefore not easy to see when it's real.
I've just read your other post about the incident with the perfume swab.. that's abusive.

Time to leave . He really doesn't deserve consideration. You are the same age as my eldest. If she were in this situation I would be coming to help you pack !!

Dieu · 30/03/2019 15:42

I would definitely go. You're young and your heart is no longer in this relationship.
However if you didn't tell him about what the job entailed, then you can't blame him for being shocked and pissed off.
I think you knew what you were doing - effectively ending your relationship - and you should own that.
I still don't blame you though, as it's a great opportunity, and wish you well.

Northernlass101 · 31/03/2019 22:17

Okay guys!

Update - back from my parents. With them I felt 100% that I was going to take the job and leave this life. I updated them on some of the dramas that have happened and they're disgusted because they've always liked him.

I got home sat outside my house looking in the windows to see him watching tv.

My heart sank. We have spoken a little but I do feel love for him I would be lying if I said I didn't. He so desperately wants me to be like I love you so much ignore I mentioned this job my life is you!

He asked me not to sleep in the spare room. I feel torn. I'm not sure if this needy love is REAL or just because we both are suffering.

He knows tomorrow the big call is happening so it's all so edgy

Sad
MitziK · 31/03/2019 22:31

Not sleep in the spare room?

He wants you to have sex with him?

I'd go back to your parents right now if I were you.

Kaleela · 01/04/2019 08:29

But you said you resent him... So it's

Life of resentment vs life of progression and independence

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 08:38

Take the job
If he loves you, he won't cheat or move on and this could be a massive kick in the pants both of you need.
Becareful, you don't suddenly find the condom failed and your trapped by a baby... Because of break up sex.

Pinkmonkeybird · 01/04/2019 10:14

You got me at the jealous type and as soon as you wrote about the opportunity, it became a no brainer. Go! You are young and have a lot more ahead of you to be staying with someone who is going to be pissed off and jealous all the time. The only thing I am sad about for you is your dog! Can you take it with you?

Inawholeofdoom82 · 01/04/2019 10:46

Go. You would be bonkers not to under the circumstances you have described.

Badtasteflump · 01/04/2019 10:50

100% go.

And in the mean time, save yourself some emotional drama and stay with your parents while you sort out the practicalities.

bubblesforlife · 01/04/2019 10:55

I found that between the age of 23-26 is when I personally changed and matured the most. This time in my eyes is detrimental to a relationship, and you both need to be onboard with the growth of one another. I was lucky my (now) fiance was fantastically supportive of me and everything I wanted and how I evolved.
But if it's causing a struggle between you and your partner now, well it's only going to get harder. You're still so young, go and live, see what else is out there. If you still feel the same after 6-12 months, you can always come back.

Go - have fun - be free!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2019 11:04

Take the job and leave your emotional abuser far behind. A better life awaits you particularly if he is no longer in it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/04/2019 11:31

I went. Mine was in Europe but far enough away, the other side.

It was the single best thing I'd ever done for myself. It still would be; but I met amazing DP this year and he's just pipped it... but I wouldn't of met him without that move and I wouldn't be the person I am.

Go. It will be hard for him and you'll regret it when you're lonely or it's tough, but overall you'll be so glad you did.

Where are you off to?

oh4forkssake · 01/04/2019 11:46

Take the job.

I don't think he's necessarily emotionally abusive. I think he's upset and hurt.

However. You were 18 when you go together. That is a world away from 24, particularly if you've grown in confidence and been promoted and done well. Don't let him hold you back. I didn't even meet DH until I was 29 so you're hardly on the shelf!

Take this opportunity, move forward, and if you two are meant to work out, you will.

onemoremummy · 01/04/2019 12:05

Your feelings are normal. You know how you feel when you’re on your notice period on a job, about to leave? I always feel sad and think “why am I leaving this great place and people” etc etc even though I know it’s the right thing to do. We are all wired the same way, we feel for what we are leaving, it doesn’t mean that it’s not the right decision. You need to put this behind you now and start working on the logistics of separating.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2019 12:12

OPs previous thread under a different name shows her partner being abusive towards her both in public and private. She fortunately as well called off the wedding to him.

OP needs to take this job opportunity with both hands and run with it.

Northernlass101 · 01/04/2019 14:49

Thank you for the further messages. I know you're all right.

I have ever been in such a mental situation. Yesterday was almost like nothing had happened. We're still firmly on a break. He said he wants me to suffer and feel the pain of what it's like losing him and only then I will realise what a stupid mistake I've made by speaking to the other company.

So I guess I'm just living through the situation at the moment I find out tonight the actual details of the offer so in just waiting on that hoping it willl be good. I don't want to say the country incase this gets found but let's just say it's 11 hour flight away from the UK. Very far.

I feel like I need the push from the phone call. To make me say enough is enough.

The break is supposed to be till Friday.

Will keep you updated with what happens but either way I see it I need to walk away. This is absolutely frightening and he knows I'm weak because he always tells me I can't make decisions.

Xxx

Pinkybutterfly · 01/04/2019 14:59

Op, get him out or get out of the house. He is scaring me. I am worried about you. Please stay somewhere where you can actually receive the call in peace. Be safe!

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 15:00

So keep on writing here,
We will back you...
You deserve more than to be put down by a man child, trying to punish you for being clever...

oh4forkssake · 01/04/2019 15:01

He said he wants me to suffer and feel the pain of what it's like losing him and only then I will realise what a stupid mistake I've made by speaking to the other company.

Are you kidding me?? OP, this isn't ok. Or normal. You are worth more than that. Regardless of what you decide to do about the job, you need to leave this man.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 01/04/2019 15:16

I've also just read your other thread, leave him, take the job overseas. Your partner is abusive and very cruel and I think that the best option for you is to cut all ties with him as fast as you can.
There will be practicalities to sort out but you need to get away from him.

jppw208 · 01/04/2019 15:24

Awfully hard decision to make, but I think you're gut will tell you the right answer and by the sounds of your note I think you sound much more excited at the prospect of taking this job abroad. At the end of the day (without trying to sound patronising) - you are so young and as someone who came out of a 7 year relationship at 24 it was so tough because it was all I ever knew but also the best thing that ever happened to me - the sense of independence and freedom was amazing and made me regret not ending something I knew in my heart of hearts wasn't right sooner! This is your prime - go and seize the exciting opportunity! Have faith that if it is meant to be with your boyfriend, it will be.