Please help me - BIG DECISIONS

[Littlehelper101]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house together good jobs dog cars etc.

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out. I'm 24 he is 30. He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate live but our lives in every other way are very joined.

I have been offered a life changing position abroad, with amazing package, apartment and house paid for car etc - major career progression.

My partner is tied into a few things here so he would not be able to come.

I have broke the news today that I will be receiving a formal offer on Monday.

He is absolutely fuming and said the fact I entrained the interview process knowing he couldn't go shows how much I care etc.

What would you do would you take it or not?

For me it's the fear of the unknown.

LOVE vs Career

I need to give him answers. on Tuesday - One second he tells me to take it because he doesn't want to prevent me from this amazing job next second he tells me I've ruined his life?

X

How did it go?

what did you decide OP

He’s fucking awful. Get out now, before he traps you.

You're 24 and by your own admission love has fizzled out and you feel you just co-exist. GO! Do you see yourself with this man in 5 or 10 years? If the love has already fizzled out, it's not going to get better!

Go. I had a seven year relationship, it was hard to leave but we are both happier in our own lives now.

Go, take the job!

Im A very strong believer in “what will be will be”

The last year/6 months the love has fizzled out slightly and we feel as though as we co exist together. We try and do things but it never quite works out.

He is a jealous type and has become bitter since a big promotion. We resent each other and try hard not too but struggle. It feels as though we live separate lives

Over the years he has commented on my own independence and that I wouldn’t be capable of living without him and that I would never find anyone who treat me well if I left.

Re-read your posts OP - in particular the sentences above.

Then ask yourself:
a. are you happy in the life you currently have?
b. will you still be happy as you are (ie without the new promotion offer) but with a partner who resents you?
c. What would your partner do in your place?

What is your honest answer?

The opportunity you have earned and been offered doesn't come along very often does it?

You are young and so far without children (which would have made the decision harder). An ideal time to go as far as you can professionally - and to make an emotional break.

If you haven't already, take the opportunity with both hands OP and look forward to a new start to your life.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Hi guys! Update**

Wow so I received my contract today so it's all absolutely legitimate.

The start date is the 15th July.

I have a 3 months notice with my job so I will need to notify them next week which to me is mental because I LOVE my job and my boss will be devestated.

Obviously of course my partner and I are still on a break and now I have this offer I finally have the kick I need. I'm so so scared. I now have a time limits.

Also we were supposed to go on a paid for city break next week for his birthday I feel absolutely terrible dropping the it's over bomb.

Got home tonight and he is really trying to be amicable and suggested we end the break now and start a fresh and a feel a vile human being because I haven't said anything yet. I'm scared of his reaction.

So many things on my shoulders my job bum the materials.

I will tell him before the end of the week.

GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!!!

Meant to say job partner materials**

This whole experience is so intense and people who end up separating after 10/15/20 + years I commend you because that must be even harder and with kids!!!!

Sorry also to add

He is being absolutely amazing and lovely to me so it's so hard even harder because I'm forgetting what was like before

He's trying to manipulate you into rejecting the job, marrying him and having a baby.

I'd seriously recommend that you stay somewhere else, because if he doesn't succeed, his reaction is going to be extreme.

Oh jeez OP please reread your threads. This guy is an abusive scumbag who ‘wants you to suffer’. Being nice now is part of the abuse. He has a small window in which to convince you to give up your dreams and keep living with him where he can control you.

Call your parents and ask them to bring round the cars tomorrow to collect your stuff and move you out.

Move out and end this, take the new job lady

Take the job! You are so young. This is your time. How exciting! I’m so jealous. I’d love to be able to do what you are doing. What an opportunity. Don’t let anyone talk you out of this. He wants you, he can wait for you.

Just you wait, he will offer marriage and a baby.
How would you like do EA as well.

Wishing you strength, love. You can TOTALLY do this. It will be the making of you.

@Littlehelper10
@Northernlass101

Congratulations on your job offer! I am so very pleased for you BUT please be very careful now as your partner will ramp up his efforts to manipulate and "persuade" you to stay.

Your comments:
We're still firmly on a break. He said he wants me to suffer and feel the pain of what it's like losing him and only then I will realise what a stupid mistake I've made by speaking to the other company.
However upset he may be this is far from the comments you'd expect from someone who genuinely cares for you.

either way I see it I need to walk away. This is absolutely frightening and he knows I'm weak because he always tells me I can't make decisions.
You DO know what you ultimately need to do to protect yourself. He really is not a positive influence on your life.

Got home tonight and he is really trying to be amicable and suggested we end the break now and start a fresh and a feel a vile human being because I haven't said anything yet. I'm scared of his reaction.
Be VERY careful. He is working on you to twist you into his way of thinking- he will not let you go easily. Make SURE your contraception is absolutely bulletproof because if you become "accidentally" pregnant I bet you'd turn down the opportunity and stay with him which is what he wants and not, sadly, because he loves, respects and wants the very best for you.

He is being absolutely amazing and lovely to me so it's so hard even harder because I'm forgetting what was like before
He is love bombing you and is completely messing with your head and your emotions.

Please fully re-read your threads and remember how your parents felt when you told them the truth.

You have used the words "frightening" and "scared" - that's not how you are supposed to feel in a loving and SUPPORTING relationship.

Please don't consider going on the birthday break with him - that will absolutely be his opportunity to wear you down whilst you are physically isolated from your support system and in a romantic setting.

Get your parents help to move you out and stay with them for the next few months to remove yourself from the toxic environment you are living in because it really does sound, whatever your head is telling you, that your heart is saying something different.

You really do only get one life OP: don't throw yours away on this abusive man who, I'm willing to bet, would have snapped up the job opportunity without giving you a second thought.

Consider if, in the future, you had a daughter in your position. What would you truly advise her to do?

I hope you break free if him and soon. Whatever you decide, I hope the future treats you well. 🌹

Please get out today. Call him, text him - just go back to your parents until you can move to the new job. He is trying to trap you.

Update my parents my live just under an hour away so staying with them will be difficult. This is something I will be able to do towards the end of my notice and I can work out of there local office.... I couldn't do that now. So I'm thinking either my sister who is local or a friend.

I'm going to my parents house this weekend though for a family affair which he is supposed to go to but obviously we have had the discussion that it's best I go solo. Also no one wants to see him.

I will break up today or tomorrow or definitely happening. I just need to get the courage.

I'm thinking about writing out what I want to say as a prompt. Because of years of me being weak I can 100% say that he will be shocked that I'm stepping up.

Again thank you so much for the support. I will need the hand hold after I've done it. I will let you know because I know after I've done it - that's when the real madness happens.

Xxx

Go. It's too good not to.

Just think OP, once you have said your piece it will be done. You can make steps to move on to your new and exciting opportunity. I have a son a bit older than you and I'd want him to do the same if he was with a partner like yours. You have been offered something fantastic, please don't let this douche talk you out of it or you will regret it in time to come. You only have one life, go and live it xx

I had to lock myself in the work toilet to catch my breath and cry I can switch out of this and carry on pretending to live a happy life and he would be happy and that would now be the easiest thing but I know I have to get the bollocks to end things.

@Northernlass101
I had to lock myself in the work toilet to catch my breath and cry [...] I can switch out of this and carry on pretending to live a happy life and he would be happy and that would now be the easiest thing but I know I have to get the bollocks to end things.
I'm sorry - yes, you do! Do it, mean it and immediately relocate yourself to your sister or friend - or rent somewhere convenient short term- for as much time as you can in the next few weeks to get away from his physical influence.

You could, of course, "pretend to live a happy life" but at what cost to you? Your professional future, your emotional happiness (because trying to break up later when you possibly have a child will be harder), your self-esteem?

You applied for this great "life changing" career opportunity for a reason OP - why did you? How did you feel when you got your formal offer?

Truly step back and look into his mind. Do you honestly think he would be torturing and second guessing himself the way you are?

Courage my dear. 🌹

There’s no doubt this is really difficult. Just be really clear in your own mind - so you can be strong when he tries to wear you down - that breaking up and taking the job is what you want. Don’t let him make you feel like you have to have a good or better ‘reason’ to split up. You don’t. Let him talk by all means but stick to a simple, clear message and just keep repeating it. ‘This is the direction I want my life to take now and we don’t want the same things so it’s time to part’ or whatever you might want to say. Just remember - you only have to break the news ONCE. Then it’s a question of how long you want to let him talk about it. He’ll want a bit of time to process it. Since he’s said some horrible stuff during this I wouldn’t let him go on at you for too long and I’d making alternate living arrangement ASAP. Good luck x