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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex Husband and New Wfe

216 replies

SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 15:42

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

OP posts:
WineGummyBear · 10/03/2019 15:48

You are not bonkers!

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice but you are definitely not bonkers and he is hugely letting his children down. Him. His new wife sounds awful but she is slightly a red herring in the sense that HE's the one choosing to invite her into their lives. Everything that flows from that is all on him.

So sorry OP. It sounds incredibly stressful and your children are lucky to have you and unlucky to have him.

Elizabeth2019 · 10/03/2019 15:49

I don’t understand surely it’s up to him if he’s going to ruin any chances of a decent relationship with his children? You can’t force him and pushing them to him surely makes them feel unwanted by you also?

If you’re just ranting - I’m sorry for your girls

MsPavlichenko · 10/03/2019 15:53

To be honest the less your DC have to see him the better for them. I would be happy if there was no contact in this situation. No dad is better than this sorry excuse for one.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 15:53

hi Elizabeth 2019, I feel for my girls, as they want a relationship with him, and in years to come if I let this go now, they could gravitate to him anyway.

we don't get a choice to be born right? men and women should not be allowed to seemingly abandon their children? my girls know I love them immensely and know I do all I can. they want their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 15:57

if we allow absent parents to be like this what is the outcome for children? we didn't enter into an agreement before we had children to say in the event we breakup im not looking after these kids... who would have kids if tht was the options.

the law needs to be changed. parentl responsibility is just what is says, you shouldn't be able to pick and choose. it doesn't help the children. anger and bitterness passes, time is the thing that is lost :-(

OP posts:
GetStrongKeepFighting · 10/03/2019 15:58

I'd get advice about talking to your girls but I'd also write to him. Tell him his children love him and want to see him and it seems like he is prioritising his marriage over his children? You want to clear everything up while making sure the children get everything they need and want in terms of time with their father. They want XYZ. Can he give that?

BrightSpells · 10/03/2019 15:58

Forgetting everything else - eow and a few nights in the week is ideal for everyone isn't it? You get proper time with you're girls, as does he.

What's he asking for now?

Imissgmichael · 10/03/2019 15:59

Do you think he’s jealous? A case of I’ve moved on but you can’t so I’ll make life difficult to punish you?

thefirst48 · 10/03/2019 16:04

How old are your girls now? 15 & 16?

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:05

once a month - three nights only

and depending on his shifts a midweek meal

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:06

yes, that's right, a time of their life when they need their dad. the contact rota has been working so well. I get my time, he gets his and the girls are happy.... they don't know about the letter. but the wife is making the gilrs very unwelcome, but my ex seems like he has no balls!

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:07

I do think that - yes

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:11

I can but try.

my partner thinks I should ignore the letter and keep to the contact schedule. hes thinking that their dad will find it hard to turn his children away.

I feel like running away lol

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 10/03/2019 16:12

So when is he prepared to have them? What has been set out in the solicitors letter?

Yes, both parents have a responsibility, but he is making the choice about when he sees his children. You cannot force him to have them more. You also mention that they haven't enjoyed their time at their father's, but have spent time there because they love him.

You are only responsible for your own behaviour and actions, he is responsible for his, and the choices he makes. Your DDs will be able to see that you have done all you can to facilitate contact. However they must be nearly 16 and 17 now? They are almost adult, and will be able to make their own arrangements with their father, if they are not doing so already.

Don't let him continue to dominate your thoughts and life any more. Get on with your life, make contact with him as is needed, but focus on you and your DDs.

Elizabeth2019 · 10/03/2019 16:15

I’m sorry you’re having to try to force this relationship for them, but sadly other than telling him that he’s effectively destroying a future relationship with them there isn’t much you can do. You seem to be being very accommodating to him to facilitate as easy access as possible, which will show the girls how much you care. Sorry you’re all going through this.

trulybadlydeeply · 10/03/2019 16:16

I think they are old enough to see the solicitor's letter, as they will wonder anyway why they are seeing their Dad less. Just explain that this is the contact that he wants, and leave it up to them whether they even want to see him under these circumstances. I think reverting to the previous contact schedule will be quite upsetting for them, as they will turn up when they are not wanted, and soon pick up on that. They are almost adults, and need to be aware of the full situation, so that they can make informed decisions themselves.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:18

his proposal has been set out, but hes slippery and changes things. if you can show mw children who are always happy and id give a million pounds, kids are kids and come with their own growing up problems.

if we as the resident parents allow slippage in time with the AP then we are taking the burden of the other parent...right? how is a burdened parent any use to a child? they are 15/16 and I feel that I must fight this.

the law needs to be changed,

its not right, and his poor behaviour cannot be rewarded by allowing him what he wants just bevause hes having a tantrum..right?

what happens if I have a tantrum? what then? hes playing on my emotions, and that's unreasonable. he made this kids with me, hes still a parent. he hasn't gven up his legal responsibility

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 10/03/2019 16:20

Children are programmed to love their parents. Unfortunately those parents are often unfit.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:22

I know - doesn't mean they are entilited to pick and choose, he didn't do that at the time of conception!

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 10/03/2019 16:22

Given that they must be about 16/17 by now, I think the best thing you can do is tell him that it's probably best now if he makes arrangements directly with his DDs (whonare presumably making lots of independent arrangements at the weekends even when with you.

Add that you are happy to facilitate their decisions about contact if that is helpful all round, and that you hope that the paternal relationship will remain strong as the DDs enter adulthood.

If he dicks them around, your role will be to support them (without bad-mouthing him, which can be tricky) as they come to terms with how much (or how little) he will do spontaneously

Orange6904 · 10/03/2019 16:24

She sounds awful and those comments to your daughters are terrible. Please look out for them, I had a partner of one of my parents like this and it ruined my a lot of my self esteem.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:28

15/16

OP posts:
Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:29

thank you

OP posts:
ALannisterInDebt · 10/03/2019 16:29

Ex & his bitch wife don't deserve to have your girls in their life.....I know you feel that they need their dad, but they don't need a relationship with people who say those awful things about them (or a DF who allows someone to talk about them that way) nothing positive will come from a toxic unsupportive relationship. Ex and his wife will only cause them hurt.

Protect your girls from these toxic people, keep them with you as much as you can.

You should convey the message to your DD that they don't need to beg and grovel fir time with him, it's his loss.

Original poster
SillyBillyMeClarkie · 10/03/2019 16:31

I refuse to back down or give into his demands.

or the stance I will take will be the same, I will write to him and offer care based on 50% only..see how he likes it!

this has to stop being accepted in society as the norm. Absent parents need to be held accountable, and his behavuiour should not be legally tolerated

OP posts: