Ex Husband and New Wfe

[SillyBillyMeClarkie]

Hi everyone, in desperation I find myself here. before I start my story, please can I ask that you don't berate me, im just looking for someone to tell me Im not bonkers! nor being taken advantage of at the risk of my children.

my exhub and I split up in 2015. things were relatively amicable. our girls stayed with me in the main, as I found it helpful to have them around me, and also because he moved in with his gf who he had been seeing for some time (found this out after). anyway the girls (then 12 and 13 ish) would go their dads once a week and then I upped it to everyother weekend. id started seeing someone (lasted about 8 months) but things didn't work out. my girls didn't enjoy spending time at their dads as his gf didn't make them feel welcome but they percervered as they love their dad.

so fast forward to now, I have a new partner my ex has married the gf. we have lived together for 18 months now, but y ex has become very bitter. we did have an informal financial agreement, but he cut that as soon as I started dating.

he then started cancelling the weekends with his daughters, which began to cause them such upset. he then refused mediation which upset everyone.

my ex was having overnight care every weekend, but this was getting in the way of his life, so he DEMANDED a change to every other weekend and a couple of nights which I gave into. I had a visit from his wife at the time, screaming and shouting the odds about when she is prepared to have HIS kids in her house!

so I relented and agreed to their rota. this was some 6 months agp, and the rota has been working well, up until now that is when he has taken to leaving me shitty voicemails, telling me not to send his kids to him. ive now received a solicitors letter setting out when he is prepared to look after his children.

I am at my wits end, for some reason he is failing to understand that his children need him and he needs them. his wife is playing mind games saying that his children smell, and that she can even smell their periods. she is doing all she can to derail their relationship.

we have no court arrangement, and he refused mediation. he played up about money so u had to make a cms claim. he refuses to pay even a penny more.

we have a shared care arrangement, which he is now trying to wriggle out of, I know there is no way I can make him see his kids, and you will hate me for saying this, but the same applies for me.

if I allow this behaviour to continue men like this will take advantage of women like me. he made these children with me, I didn't say id have childen on the understanding he'd always be there for them, I presumed that would be the case like many other women in my situation.

both mothers and fathers have a responsibility to their children... right? kids need both of their parents...right? how is his fancy free life with his pensioner wife be more superior to his children's welfare?

I know the solicitors letter isn't worth the paper its written on, but it has shook me never the less....

I never ever make contact. the polive have been involved as he tried to run me don in the street. he was cautioned as it was a section 47 assault.

So stop trying to force his behaviour, you can't change it only how you react to it.
Start from the position that the DC are always with you and make arrangements accordingly then if he does want to see them they are old enough to decide whether it's what they want/convenient to them. Your life will become infinitely easier.

You say you won't allow your ex to have no contact with his girls multiple times.
But you cannot force him.
No matter how many times you keep saying it.
He is twat.

Why do you want your kids around someone who could have killed you ? .

Of course you are completely right on all counts. Yes yes and yes. Of course you want free time and of course it isn't fair

It'll only be a few years and they'll be gone. You can't force him to step up and, anyway, you wouldn't want your girls there with the toxic pair.

Please don't put them through your ire about this. They need peace and your wrangling is not giving them peace. You may think you hide it from them (and I sincerely hope you do?) but it's in the air they breathe.

Health condition or not you're going to have to have them 24/7. It's grossly unfair, a travesty, but there it is. You have to accept it and give your girls peace.

Fwiw I wrangled with a controlling ex for years - something about their control makes you fight. I so wish I hadn't. It really damaged my kids., even though I thought I kept it from them.

If you want to be really canny, play him at his own game. If you make it subtly clear you are all happy as a family with your new man and no longer need him for 'childcare' the chances are he'll want full custody! Not that he'll get it, they are too old for a legal wrangle. It's a big risk bcs it can backfire and he could eg make life impossible with legal posturing etc. Or, worse, he could poison your girls against you - so easy to do when they're teens, sadly

But bear it in mind: if you want something, ask for the opposite. No sweat, mind, keep it casual. Xx

OP it really isn't about 'protecting your downtime', it's about your girls. I think their age is key - they're not little kids who need all decisions made for them. They are old enough to decide where they want to spend their time and how they want their relationship to develop with their dad. Of course it's frustrating that your ex wants to change terms and isn't playing fair, but it's what works for your girls that's most important. Yes financially you should ensure you get everything due to you, but forcing a relationship where it's not wanted is not right for your DC.

I would talk to them as young adults and see what they want. If they're struggling with his wife, they might be relieved to reduce days. It can't be a nice atmosphere and they have enough on their plate without that stress. If you were still married you'd have your DC full time, so not sure why you're so keen to have time away from them. At their age I had little contact with my dad, because that's what I chose given his family situation. My mum was just happy to have more time with me, during my last couple of years at home.

You're right about good parents taking responsibility BUT there is no way to enforce this. If you try you will be hitting your head off a wall - it will damage you, it will damage your daughters. Send him one last e-mail/letter explaining that you will no longer be facilitating contact with the girls, you will be blocking his number and will not open or respond to any e-mails. All contact can be made through a solicitor. Your daughters are very nearly adults and can be arranging to visit him themselves - there is no longer any need for you to be involved except to love and support them when he lets them down. Good luck.

Honestly your ex and his wife sound so dreadful that I think not having to see them will be about a billion times more beneficial to the girls than you having downtime.

I wouldn’t expect a formal contact schedule at their age anyway as they’ll have parties, exams, jobs etc etc. If they want to see their dad they need to arrange that.

Please, please don’t send them when they aren’t wanted.

I understand why you're so frustrated. Why should he get to choose to be a parent just when it suits him, meanwhile you're the person who has no agency, who has to be reactive to his whims, never get a break, dance to his tune just because you are a normal responsible parent.

I understand why people are saying 'cut your losses and stop contact' but then that leaves you 100% single parent with no respite, no time to yourself, no help. It is totally reasonable to resent this! If you were still together and he were behaving like this (leaving everything to you, only parenting when it suited him) everyone would be telling you to hand his arse to him on a plate and rightly so. But because you're apart you just have to....roll over and take it? That would make me absolutely spit with rage as well.

I have nothing helpful to suggest, sorry, just wanted to let you know I understand where you're coming from.

My DS is 15. I leave arranging contact to his dad. As a single mum (no partner) I understand how difficult it is. Ex had rarely has DS to stay since we split 5 years ago and has him for one week a year holiday.
Now it's tea on a Wednesday and breakfast in a Saturday. 4 hours a week (unless he is busy).

Your girls need to arrange it with dad themselves.

Should say him and his dad

I can understand why your angry I’ve been there but your anger too will be effecting your girls just as much as he is.

I hope your not saying similar to them.

My dd1 was an absolute arsehole. I raised her by myself while he dipped in and out - financially and emotionally.

They are not babies anymore. Your life should be getting easier to manage them. Most kids at that age don’t even do 50/50 because they have their friendship group in area.

Your trying to force him to take the kids to a house where his wife says disgusting to them.

STOP forcing the issue. Fuck him and his wife. Go to the the correct route to force money from him.

Tell the girls in appropriate way what the situation is.

I think your angry because he has moved on and you haven’t - you were left holding the baby(s) but they are not babies any more are they?

In a couple of years they will be at uni or working and you will be passed this phase. Try and move on

Dd1 father**

I have 5 dd/dsc . Aged between 14/24. The bloody awful EOW malarkey stopped 2 years ago for the youngest.

Who the hell wants to feel obliged to spend time with any parent as a teenager ?

We told them all years ago (my resident children and his nr ones) that you go (come) see your dad when it suits you (kids and father ) both . That I was no longer involved with this aspect of their lives. They have their own lives especially at weekends.

You OP - need to start making it clear that you are not available for meals/taxi service/money during whatever preplanned activity. At the age your children are they are quite capable of fending for themselves. Or should be.

Yes Parental responsibility should have enforcement measures attached to it. Are you going to change anything as the law currently stands and even if you do manage to get a change , by the time any law changes they will be adults. So you won't benefit but would of pushed them into a relationship with someone who isn't interested.

OP with the best will in the world you cannot legally make him have them overnight. Morally he should want to, but this is not something you can enforce, and at seventeen and eighteen they are old enough to make their own decisions on this issue. If they e.g. decided not to go of their own accord you absolutely wouldn’t be able to force them either just as you couldn’t make them stay with you if they say, decided to move in with him.

It’s incredibly frustrating when a parent appears to put the needs of their new partner ahead of those of their children, but make no mistake, although it is very evident that the new wife is a top-class bitch, by not challenging these views and statements from her he is just as culpable for the behaviour as she is.

In terms of caring for them,at sixteen and seventeen they are old enough to be aware of your health conditions and to realise that sometimes there are things they will need to do for themselves. And at sixteen and seventeen they should be veering towards being able to be independent anyway given they’ll be potentially off to uni/work soon.

I have a life-limiting illness and while I absolutely understand that emotionally I need to be here for my teens, and I absolutely am, sometimes it’s not possible for me physically and they have to take account of that. So if I can’t cook them an elaborate meal they have to make do with pie and chips, and if they want something more they know where the kitchen is. . And I speak as a single parent whose dc see little of their dad.

Ultimately this is now your life. It’s hard, and it would be great if we could legally make people be parents, but reality is that we can’t. If he’s paying you maintenance then I would be glad of that, but if he isn’t then I would pursue that avenue through the CMS, because that at least is one area where the law can be enforced.

But you need to let this anger go. he’s the one who will lose out if he regrets his actions down the line. But only time is going to make that happen. Being angry at him for who he is and what he stands for is only going to hurt you and his children.

You need to step away from this and focus on your daughters. They are 15/16 not 3/4 so they can make their own arrangements. The message you are sending out is full of anger and bitterness. He sounds like a right dickhead but you can’t change someone else’s behaviours. Just step away. No teenage kid wants to be trecking between parents anyway.

Having been through this and with hindsight, I actually think that children are better staying in one home when parents separate

I'd call his bluff and say that you would be happy to have a court agreement for when he would have the kids but say that the contact schedule proposed would not work for xyz and that you will be sticking to the current arrangement until something can be properly sorted as to upset the status quo now wouldn't be in the interests of the kids. I'd make clear that his daughters would like more regular contact than proposed. I'd also put in writing some of the issues with the current wife. It would be interesting to see what he says.

I don't understand why you want your children to spend time with someone who says they smell and someone who tried to run you over. Why would you want that? How can that possibly be beneficial to them?

Op I think you need help. I understand where you are coming from however you can not force him to have his kids if he doesn't want to. I would go contact less to be honest for the sake of the girls. You can not force him to have the girls no matter how morally you would like it to be the case. Just go no contact your girls are old enough to know and understand that it's his choice let them decide whether they want to have a relationship or not

Hmm...I’m just throwing this in there. I’ve no experience with this sort of thing and just the one child (teen).

But if dad says ‘no I’m not having them’ -because he wants a free life with a new wife, what’s to stop a mother also saying ‘well, no, I want a free life too, at least on the weekend, so I’M not having them either’.

Just wondering hypothetically what would happen legally.

Sorry you’re in this position op. My family member has a dad like this and believe me, can see him for what he is. Looks forward to a time when he’s old and begging for her company.

That’s my gut feel tbh

I’m a mom not his child minder

No disrespect but the way you talk you would think they are 3 and 5years old not 15/16. They should be able to care for themselves (unless SEN) they should be going to and from school be able to make a sandwich go to town on their own out with friends etc, I don’t understand how they can be hardwork. You sound bitter because you want rid of the girls and he should do his time. They are unpleasant to them you should be doing everything you can to shield those girls not put them in the firing line. I did it on my own with ds worked full times single mom with no break he would get up through the night and I still go to work where as his df had his freedom. Sometimes we just got to get on with it.

I agree with everything snapped except

I don’t understand how they can be hardwork

15/16yo girls not hard work?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It’s not a question of allowing him to pick and choose. He is doing what he wants, you can’t MAKE him see them and at their age, it’s their choice if they want to see him.

Tbh, I would make him sign over parental responsibility. Those poor kids should not be forced to endure the OW’s company. She sounds batshit.

It’s not that my girls don’t try because they do. They also know that I do my best. But they want their father. It’s a terrible situation which offers no support to the resident parent while allowing the ap to take flight whenever it suits. It’s the decent parents who pick up the baton because we live our children.

I want him to sign them across.